Need a title for this one

[Aryl7]

gone

[Volume8]

Back to the Key;

[] Lines that don't make sence.
[] Lines that scream "Hello, i'd be awkward as hell to sing
[] Lines that don't fit in with the rest of the song
[] Lines i liked

Radiance detonates from within
The reverberant lanterns
Of your shiny new headlights

- Reverb being a term used for the distortion of sound through echo/reflection
- Some kind of terrible metaphor for eyes?

Soon to be
Devoured by the loneliness
That surrounds the glowing holes
Of light in the frigid sky

- The term hole conjures up images of unoccupied space, darkness, Try using the term "glowing pockets of light" or "Vibrant pockets of light" or "not a very good song"

You’re so far gone
I can hear the alcohol
On the tip of your tongue

- I like this word play, im guessing it is hinting at the fact the person may be slurring their words the way a drunk would. However, i have a nasty feeling you might have just used the wrong word again. Unless this song is about a blind person.

Wandering through your
Mind’s acid rain
You burn holes in me
As you confess your undying love
To your reflection in the window

I want to get you
Out of these woods
(…or do I?)

- Just no.

And we’re only here
Because your dad said
That we are all like ants
Under the magnifying glass
Eventually we will all
Just burn away

- Oh for the love of all that is sacred NO!

Well im going to have to be honest, I didn't like this song, it felt like you were constantly trying to force metaphors which for the most part were a contradiction of themselves.

3/10

[StoneTemplePilot]

Call it "The Car" or something like that...cuz its about drinking and driving right?

[Aryl7]

Back to the Key;

[] Lines that don't make sence.
[] Lines that scream "Hello, i'd be awkward as hell to sing
[] Lines that don't fit in with the rest of the song
[] Lines i liked

Radiance detonates from within
The reverberant lanterns
Of your shiny new headlights

- Reverb being a term used for the distortion of sound through echo/reflection
- Some kind of terrible metaphor for eyes?

Soon to be
Devoured by the loneliness
[color=red]That surrounds the glowing holes
Of light in the frigid sky

- The term hole conjures up images of unoccupied space, darkness, Try using the term "glowing pockets of light" or "Vibrant pockets of light" or "not a very good song"

You’re so far gone
I can hear the alcohol
On the tip of your tongue

- I like this word play, im guessing it is hinting at the fact the person may be slurring their words the way a drunk would. However, i have a nasty feeling you might have just used the wrong word again. Unless this song is about a blind person.

Wandering through your
Mind’s acid rain
You burn holes in me
As you confess your undying love
To your reflection in the window

I want to get you
Out of these woods
(…or do I?)

- Just no.

And we’re only here
[color=red]Because your dad said
That we are all like ants
Under the magnifying glass
Eventually we will all
Just burn away

- Oh for the love of all that is sacred NO!

Well im going to have to be honest, I didn't like this song, it felt like you were constantly trying to force metaphors which for the most part were a contradiction of themselves.

3/10

Ouch...But I guess thats what I get for posting a song I wrote in 5 min. Should spend more time next time maybe...anyways thanks for the crit.

Also:
reverberant-having a tendency to be repeatedly reflected. If this def. is correct, (it is) than the word fits fine. There was no metaphor for eyes, I literally meant the headlights of a car.

A hole can simply be a space through which something moves; therefore: a space through which light moves.

[Volume8]

A hole can simply be a space through which something moves; therefore: a space through which light moves.

Im not arguing the definition of the word hole, im merely telling you the standard imagery that the word "hole" draws to mind.

And yes, the lines about the headlights make alot more sence now they are taken literally rather than metaphorically :lol:

[DemonicRubberDucky]

Hmm... "You burn holes in me"... perhaps the song could be called "holes"? Oops, not in the awkward sense, but in the sense of the holes burned through you. Perhaps you could make the choruses about that.

[Aryl7]

Im not arguing the definition of the word hole, im merely telling you the standard imagery that the word "hole" draws to mind.

And yes, the lines about the headlights make alot more sence now they are taken literally rather than metaphorically :lol:

its cool I was thinking of changing it anyways
also, pretty sure that the "chorus" part will replace this:

I want to get you
Out of these woods
(…or do I?)

I knew it was weak, but I felt like I needed some filler in that particular spot

[Aryl7]

any new crits...anybody?