I swear I'll never fall for indie girls again (INCENDIARY)

[TojesDolan]

Hi. Before you pass any judgement on with comments like "d00d u suk that sh¡t is no indie you kno sh¡t bitch fuc ****" let me explain. This is not meant to be derogatory against indie, or alternative. This is actually a sarcastic way of viewing how all the girls I've tried to be involved with are into pseudo-alt/indie, so I hada lot of internal conflicts or whether I should have slapped them or try to get to some physical contact. eh.

Here it is. Imagine it's sung a-la Bright Eyes, I've thought of a good rhythm for the song, and the lyrics flow, strangely.

I swear I'll never fall for indie girls again

Treacherous tragedy,
with comic taints for fun
my life had become.
I swear I'll never fall for
an alt/indie girl again.

It's the patches of uninteresting bands,
and her buttons with silly messages like
"I'm really a boy" in her school girl skirt...
But her eyes.
how gorgeous are her eyes!
They shine like headlights
in the bleak forests
ink has turned her hair into.

But they are all like that,

Unbelievable I find,
yet stupidly cute
how she thinks Green Day are great,
but I can always tell I dig "Redundant" by them,
and how redundant and alternative
our talks are. I adore her bright eyes.

Under the bright moon
and that stupid pop-punk concert she invited me to
a mellow song the band plays
that glues perversely in my head.

But I never kissed you
because you were to busy screaming
at the singer of the band.

I hated the tone of the guitar.

I hate TV and radio
because they are against me
they remind this stupid fool of a girl,
I hear her voice in catchy choruses
and her laugh in three simple chords.

I swear I'll never fall for indie girls again.
Because TV and radio remind me too bad of them

Oh how much I miss my alt/indie girl.

***

I think I need to change some bits. Yes people, this is not about indie or alternative. This is a bit of a sarcastic comment. I'llgive it a better look and touch it up a bit after I have the rhythm and stuff.

[Linsey]

yeh, it needs a lot of work. its quite a nice theme, but its not written very well. it doesnt flow that well and it doesnt make me think about it - i cant picture the girl or any of the situations you mention... its all a bit bland. with the exception of...

"I hear her voice in catchy choruses
and her laugh in three chords."

i like that bit alot.

other than that, its not that great, but with a bit of work i think it could be pretty good.

[TojesDolan]

Yeah I'm giving it some touches later on. :)

Thanks.

[cas]

amazing, simply.

[Minus The Flair]

I'll give you little more comment soon but this is definitely not one of your best pieces. Obviously, I can see what you're going for but there is no driving edge or originality, and it's a little too literal. There are a couple bright bits, but they're not really in keeping with the song and feel very random and like thoughts that were in your head which you felt you needed to put on to paper, but shouldn't really be there.

Ok, like I said, no cutting edge to it, there was nothing to set it apart from any other song like this. Although, these kind of songs are really quite hard to make not corny, and actually make them interesting and original. In a way, I liked the wierd language/word order used but because the lyrics wern't too great, that didn't seem to fit with it. And if you were going to sing it would you sing the alt/indie part like alt slash indie. Because that would make me laugh, in a good way. Overall, if I were you, if you really want to make this sort of song work, scrap and start over and try and keep away from overly literal messages and give it something different, othewise it ends up being just like the rest. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, I know this sort of song is hard to write without sounding like everyone else.

[Sloth]

Hmmmm, this is the first piece I've seen from you in a long time...and I'm kinda disappointed, Tojes. But then again, I didn't expect much from the title. So I should thank you for the heads up on.

While reading it, I definately thought that I'd like it if I heard the actual song...but just the lyrics, it's not my style. It's not YOUR style...at least it wasn't way back when.


I'll try to check your other stuff :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

Nah it's just my hit single when I actually get a band.

<_<
>_>

Yeah. This is meant for top 40.

Thanks for the comments.

[DeadReligion]

dood you sukk you don't kno **** about indie dood. You sukk and WAAAA! Hah, kidding. This bored me, sorry man, you know I love your stuff, but I just didn't care for the topic or the poem at all.