Pools

[TheBigMachine]

Lantern lights, beacons of lost life
Lost love, lost luck and lost souls.
Storm clouds to the east -
Gale winds to the west -
Nevermind going north or south,
where the drought lands lie.

Blind, stumbling, lonely.
I never saw that pit before me
Unfortunate. Unprepared, and scared
Falling at fifty thousand miles an hour
Straight into a pool
The pool of lost life, lost love
Lost luck and one lost soul.

My mind melted in the cold
Here the laws of science
Simply dont apply, this is
Chaos.
This is
Anarchy.
This is
Love.

And time froze with the warmth
Of your smile, of your touch
A still frame that'll last forever
No photo can replicate this, no science
Will ever come close to recreating this.
Only memories.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is bent.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is shaken.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. My picture is broken, longing
For a saviour, salvation and someone
To make it feel ok.

And there's a rumble in the depths, there's a stir.
Twisting, curling, rising to the surface and bursting through.
The pool is disturbed! Not since the days of old
Has a ripple passed through here.
Never before, and possibly never again!
The pool is disturbed, balance thrown out
Proportion blown out, caution tossed to the
Gale winds of the east, shame, washed away
By the storm hailing in the west.

Tomorrow, ill pull myself up, force myself to float.
Tomorrow, life goes on as normal.
Tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

First song in ages, hope it goes well. I'm not behind in crit count, I've been doing them rather scattered and haphazardly however. So yeah. Lets see what response this baby gets.

[Surf]

Lantern lights, beacons of lost life
Lost love, lost luck and lost souls.
Storm clouds to the east -
Gale winds to the west -
Nevermind going north or south,
where the drought lands lie.

first comma should be a semi-colon. bit too much alliteration, with no obvious reason; tone down the 'l' words. last four lines are good.


Blind, stumbling, lonely.
I never saw that pit before me
Unfortunate. Unprepared, and scared
Falling at fifty thousand miles an hour
Straight into a pool
The pool of lost life, lost love
Lost luck and one lost soul.

'that' pit could become 'the' pit. nice use of punctuation in the third line. drop the pool from the start of line six. not too sure about the aliteration again, but its not so bad here

My mind melted in the cold
Here the laws of science
Simply dont apply, this is
Chaos.
This is
Anarchy.
This is
Love.

good, not much to say

And time froze with the warmth
Of your smile, of your touch
A still frame that'll last forever
No photo can replicate this, no science
Will ever come close to recreating this.
Only memories.

really like this part, not much i would suggest, maybe drop the of in the second line.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is bent.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is shaken.

i think the second repition doesn;t work as well as you'd like it, especially considering the line is repeated next anyway. if i were you, i'd just put shaken after bent. but leave the full stop


The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. My picture is broken, longing
For a saviour, salvation and someone
To make it feel ok.

again, good, not much to say

The pool is disturbed! Not since the days of old
Has a ripple passed through here.
Never before, and possibly never again!
The pool is disturbed, balance thrown out
Proportion blown out, caution tossed to the
Gale winds of the east, shame, washed away
By the storm hailing in the west.

the first line is too sudden. try giving perhaps a line of imagery to build up to it first. the 'shock value' doesn;t work to well, comes acros as a bit cheesy. rest is pretty good

Tomorrow, ill pull myself up, force myself to float.
Tomorrow, life goes on as normal.
Tomorrow.

good way to end. is the second tomorrow really vital? i think it could work the same/beter without it.

overall, really good. sorry if this sounds curt, but i'm trying to write it quickly. as well as the fact that i can;t find much imensely wrong.

[Sloth]

I've been having a hard time getting a feel from the stuff I've been reading on hear lately...I blame myself for listening to music while trying to crit. So that's why I'm giving such a ****ty crit.

But I'd really take into account what Surf said.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is bent.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is shaken.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. My picture is broken, longing
For a saviour, salvation and someone
To make it feel ok. I don't know if this is what you had in mind, but I thought this would be a nice breakdown... with the repitition and such


And there's a rumble in the depths, there's a stir.
Twisting, curling, rising to the surface and bursting through.
The pool is disturbed! Not since the days of old
Has a ripple passed through here.
Never before, and possibly never again!
The pool is disturbed, balance thrown out
Proportion blown out, caution tossed to the
Gale winds of the east, shame, washed away
By the storm hailing in the west. then the breakdown leads into this...back up to tempo, faster even...the part of the song people would really get into and kill each other in a mosh pit. That's the feeling I got from this.

Overall, I liked it. I just don't know your writing style well enough to give a helpful crit....just listen to what Surf said :thumb:

[MusicianAdvice]

If you need advice, read this article:
http://musicianadvice.info/getting-on-the-music-industry-radar-screen.html

[colorshines]

hey, all i have to say is that i love the imagery and i especially love the first stanza.

[DeadReligion]

I don't see much a problem of alliteration in verse one, just use of "lost" way too much. Change a few of them to something else. Same in verse 2, and also the rhyme in the first two lines is kind of annoying, but whatever. The only other thing really is the exclamation points in the second to last verse, just...unnecessary. Yeah...not too much wrong with this in my opinion. Sorry I wasn't much help.

[TojesDolan]

Lantern lights, beacons of lost life
Lost love, lost luck and lost souls.
Storm clouds to the east -
Gale winds to the west -
Nevermind going north or south,
where the drought lands lie.


Very solid beginning. it feels like the first and second line recquire some separation, maybe a comma or something. The rest is alright.


Blind, stumbling, lonely.
I never saw that pit before me
Unfortunate. Unprepared, and scared
Falling at fifty thousand miles an hour
Straight into a pool
The pool of lost life, lost love
Lost luck and one lost soul.


I don't like how it goes from the 2nd to the third line so abruptly. That may be the element that makes it so awesome, so let's leave in ???? only.

My mind melted in the cold
Here the laws of science
Simply dont apply, this is
Chaos.
This is
Anarchy.
This is
Love.

Excellent. The pace is awesome. The line breaks weren't that great, but whatever.

And time froze with the warmth
Of your smile, of your touch
A still frame that'll last forever
No photo can replicate this, no science
Will ever come close to recreating this.
Only memories.

The last three lines are gold, amazing.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is bent.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. The picture is shaken.

Nice change.

The pool goes undisturbed, on the surface
A myriad. My picture is broken, longing
For a saviour, salvation and someone
To make it feel ok.

Eh I don't dig "ok" maybe there's another way to show that you are ALRIGHT?.

;¡)

And there's a rumble in the depths, there's a stir.
Twisting, curling, rising to the surface and bursting through.
The pool is disturbed! Not since the days of old
Has a ripple passed through here.
Never before, and possibly never again!
The pool is disturbed, balance thrown out
Proportion blown out, caution tossed to the
Gale winds of the east, shame, washed away
By the storm hailing in the west.

Excellent. The moments of stress are accurately marked with the exclamation marks, Great.


Tomorrow, ill pull myself up, force myself to float.
Tomorrow, life goes on as normal.
Tomorrow.

whew. That was great. It was very good, actually. Good thing that you're back in it, haha. Great, very fun.