Rays of Life

[Barker_Grohl]

Only my second time posting, but really hoping for a lot of feedback. Please critique- go nuts on it if you like.

I am sad at this sight
Can’t see the colours through the night
Save me b’fore these city lights

In the darkness, these lights stand
Set to come on, when night began
White and Black, they will collide
It’ll be enough, it’ll be alright

They’ll send rays of faith and insight
They’ll keep me safe, they’ll save my life

They’re always there and on time
Same hour-minute, so sublime
Inside me, allow this light
Standing here, it’s so divine

They’ll send rays of faith and insight
They’ll keep me safe, I’ll be alright

Not even a flicker, to meet the time
What is happening, my god defies
How can this be, request denied
It’s forever dark, sun’ll never rise

I will live in light, soon enough
I will live in light, soon enough (start to fade away)
I will live in light, or I will say goodbye,
(whispered) I will live in light, or I will say…good…bye

[Barker_Grohl]

anyone, please a small critique?

[Surf]

small critique: on the whole, not bad. some good ideas, and a good choice of structure. drop the rhyme on the third line, it doesn;t do anything for you. what this would really benefit from is more of the same; take the smallish bits of imagery/metaphor etc and expand on them, take them further and use them more to explore the theme of the piece. that, and your word choie could be spiced up a bit. short comment i know, sorry. if i think of anything else to say, i'll edit it in.

[Barker_Grohl]

Thanks a lot for the feedback; i appreciate it however small it is. if anyone else has anything to add please post. Thanks