first thing ive written

[ryanc]

hey, im trying to get a hardcore (not true hardcore but one of its subgenres) band started, so i figured id make the first step and write a song

i watched a documentry on gary ridgeway a little while ago so thats what inspired this haha






"window shopping in the red light district"

this concrete strip is like a beach, hundreds of shells of beings for a tourist like me to choose from
i like to think of myself as a street sweeper, a janitor of sorts.

who the **** cares anyway?

just watch them as they try to sell their product of sin
hell, im doing them a favor

maybe its for their unloved burden at home, or for their next trip
to a place that will never exist on a map

i dont care

****ing scum
get off my streets you filthy sinners

window shopping in the red light district has never been a greater gift.


my guest in the backseat
is about to get a hatchet
buried deep withen her skull
but not before i get my moneys worth, what normal man would pass this up?

leave the body in the forest, tonight the angels
sing a chorus
about the janitor who cleaned the streets for the simple price of pleasure

[usuck]

I was looking through all the old threads, and saw that no one had critted your song and I know I hate when that happens to me, so I'd thought I'd give it a shot.




"window shopping in the red light district"

this concrete strip is like a beach, hundreds of shells of beings for a tourist like me to choose from
i like to think of myself as a street sweeper, a janitor of sorts.
Okay, I like the beginning, but you might want to put the song in some kind of 'format'. Make the lines clear so that it's easier for people to read and understand how it's supposed to flow.


who the **** cares anyway?
Get rid of this. This line is so worn out by rock bands...


just watch them as they try to sell their product of sin
hell, im doing them a favor
This doesn't really fit... You might want to try and lengthen your verse and tie them in more...


maybe its for their unloved burden at home, or for their next trip
to a place that will never exist on a map
Also doesn't tie in with the rest.


i dont care
Also worn out...


****ing scum
get off my streets you filthy sinners
Where did this come from?...


window shopping in the red light district has never been a greater gift.
Okay, this is where the title comes from, but again it doesn't fit with the song.

my guest in the backseat
is about to get a hatchet
buried deep withen her skull
but not before i get my moneys worth, what normal man would pass this up?
Also doesn't fit, but does provide some imagery. This part is better.


leave the body in the forest, tonight the angels
sing a chorus
about the janitor who cleaned the streets for the simple price of pleasure
I don't like this ending. It seems abrupt.



Okay, well this definetely needs some work, but I think it could make an alright song. Make the verse longer and tie them together. Also make sure the chorus has something that sets it apart from the verses but is still tied in with the rest. Revise this and make the lines a bit more coherent... Overall, ...3/10. Could probably be better after a revision.

[TheBigMachine]

Ok, so as far as a first song goes it's not to bad. In stanza one, where you put the first comma, put a line brake.(sp?) The rest is good, I like the simile/metaphor you made in the first verse. However, one does not exactly picture a hardcore band playing this - and that's the beauty of it.

The next three lines are a little bland. The "who the **** cares" line especially, is a very trite little line, one that you could probably find in a vast majority of hardcore songs. The next two lines frequent prostitute songs everywhere, more or less. What Im saying is too think outside the square - you've done this to a reasonable extent in the first stanza, but can you continue it on?

The next couplet could probably join in with the one above it. It'd make it an easier read too. Plus, one more thing, add some grammar in, because that will usually make a piece more readable also.

The next three lines, again, trite, overdone and boring, and furthermore, slightly contradictory. Cuttit.

A nice one liner, this is what Im talking about. Use some originallity in the piece to brighten it up. However, Im not really sure what the guy above me is saying that nothing fits with the song... I think it fit's quite well, and knowing the nature of hardcore music I can see it working quite well in-song. Well I can now anyway, I couldnt at the start! :p

Again, where that one and only comma is in the next stanza, replace it with a line brake, and bring the last two words onto the end of the newly created line. A nice rhythm here, and a nice half rhyme at the start. The way I saw it, is some kind of breakdown or something now, with much much happening, am I right? Anyway, tis not to bad, but again, a little bit bland.

Last stanza is good, put a line break "about the janitor who cleaned the streets/ for the simple price of pleasure" as shown.

Ok, so for a first song, this is a good start. Musically, I can see it working, so nice job on that one. If your interested, check out the guide(if you havent already) just to further expand your armoury.

Keep writing.