Oh My God. There's A Bear In My Oatmeal!

[Minus The Flair]

Yeh FG.

So, this is the first time I've written while high, I've heard it improves your writing skills, so I don't know what to think of it. I think it's TOO simple and obvious for me, a little too short aswell, it needs editing but I wanted to see what people think of what I wrote at the time.

Obviously, it's your typical where am i going song but it's what I was feeling at the time. C4C and that. And Tojes, I'm sorry I missed yours again, I feel really bad, I will get it.

So he sits up and says "What am I doing?'
We told him to shut the **** up.

Last night, when I was sitting inside my metaphoric megaphone
Way at the back of my metaphoric mind.
Chewing up and spitting out my 30 second aspirations

I suddenly thought, all of a sudden
'What am I doing?'
'What am I doing?'

Damn you Dave.

Next morning, the sun rises, as it always does.
And I'm eating my oatmeal
And I'm scared
That the sun might not sit up again
But laugh it off is what I do
It's what I always do
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!

But this megaphone will never work
But it will also never break
Stuck inside my recycled brain
With roots that never wake
The headless ants run wild

HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!

****

Yuk.

[Surf]

er, i don't really know what to say. its obvious where you're going, and there's flashes of brilliance, but it seems a bit poor. especially in comparison to other pieces of your's that i've read.

Chewing up and spitting out my 30 second aspirations
...
But this megaphone will never work
But it will also never break
Stuck inside my recycled brain
With roots that never wake

these were the parts that i liked, but the rest seemed a bit meh. it was very rambling, no dictinct edge to the words and too much ha ha ha-ing.
if i were you, keep the good lines; drop te rest, and build something new from it. maybe whilst not under the influence.
sorry if this is negative, but there's not much to say. still i really like a couple of bits. shame about the rest

[TojesDolan]

Use thirty instead of 30.

I liked it, it's simplistic but the parts that are insighful really bring the feeling up. This would work musically, or in a lesser way as poetry. It's angsty, so it can lead to diverse ways of viewing it.

[Minus The Flair]

Surf, I completely agree. I is unhappy with it. I just wanted to see what people thought of what I wrote at the time, cause, y'know, I've never written like that before. I guess it didn't work. I don't want to scrap it but will do some serious editing when I get a couple more crits.

[FA]

I've always contemplated using a "megaphone" reference in my writing but then it slipped out the back of my mind up until now....I may use that in my new piece..

[Minus The Flair]

Bump't

[Sloth]

I like "metaphoric megaphone" and "thirty second aspirations" but that's it.
This was not an impressive piece... I'm just glad you wrote while you were kinda high. It's a good excuse for poor writing.

Just keep at it. Maybe try writing high again, but find a good idea or image to work with first, rather than just free writing with 2 ok lines.

[Minus The Flair]

Ok im scrapping this then and starting over tonight

[DemonicRubberDucky]

Wow, that was insane. If you don't want it, i'd gladly take it and turn it into a song. We need a "stoned lyrics" thread.

[Minus The Flair]

Yeh, go ahead man. But if you ever do turn it into a song, be sure to let me know. I'd love to hear it. And ditto on the thread idea but trust me, it'll never happen

[DemonicRubberDucky]

It could be like Mr. Bungle's "Carry Stress in the Jaw", all sorts of odd genre changes. 2 things:

1: Did you specify where the i/v/c/o are?
2: What's your e-mail in case if i ever make it?

[Minus The Flair]

1. There isn't really a structure, play around with it, do whatever the hell you want with it, have fun with it. Add to it if you want, or take out the bits that don't work. Seriously, I'd just love to hear my lyrics with some music. It starts from 'So he sit's up...' and ends at '****'

2.mattz_123121@hotmail.com

[El_Goodo]

I thought it was pretty funny! In that sense it got it's job done.

[Minus The Flair]

Thanks, it was meant to be to give a little extra edge but I still think it needs a lot of work. Defininitely not one of my better pieces. I'm editing it now