I Love a Girl With a Boy's Name

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Hey folks, long time no post in here, but I figured I should get back into it. Here's a short piece I wrote earlier this summer about, well... it should be obvious. I know I can't have every line start with 'and,' but its a habit like everything else. And yes, I know that there must be some cheeseball lines in there, but that's why you're critiquing it, isn't it? C4C, just gimme the title of what you want me to look at.


I Love a Girl with a Boy's Name

And poetry doesn't taste as sweet as your lips
even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk
pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not).

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to.

I walked you home, you asked if I
wanted to talk about it I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to,
and I haven't been able to smile since the day I was born.

[Lowridenn]

First off, the three long lines can be broken up for a better effect. Line breaks are your friend. Next, the story needs to be developed better. The narrator did something bad, but we don't have any clue what it is, and we don't even realize that he's done something bad until the third stanza, half way through the piece. The third stanza is also very jumbled and the flow is very start-and-stop. The piece needs more developement and the line breaks should be rethought.

[FA]

I Love a Girl with a Boy's Name

And poetry doesn't taste as sweet as your lips
even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk
pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not).

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to.

I walked you home, you asked if I
wanted to talk about it I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to,
and I haven't been able to smile since the day I was born.



(A different colored dot, different color than the ones you see in those nasty tampax commercials)

I'll hit it up after class.

[Octavius]

I liked this piece alot, it has a kind of innocence to it that you dont find very often in lyrics on here.

Firstly I love the name of this

And poetry doesn't taste as sweet as your lips
even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk
pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not).
I love this first stanza. Because it starts with 'And' it feels like its taken from a larger piece of writing. I like the way you have used imagery to describe the state you are in. There is a quite down to earth and innocent feel to the way you described how you were drunk.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to.
I don't really get this part, is the way she used to look at you a good look or a bad look? Is she smiling because she isn't with you, or because she is with you?

I walked you home, you asked if I
wanted to talk about it I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.
Are the line breaks supposed to be in these places? Because in their current places i don't think it flows very well. the first half is very romantic until it gets to 'So i sang...' and it kind of stops dead there and shatters the story. Maybe it could be a bit longer, it seems to stop abruptly. So maybe you could look at moving the line breaks and adding a few lines.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to,
and I haven't been able to smile since the day I was born.
Again doesn't makes much sense to me, but i like the structure of this part. Also it doesn't really sound like an ending, maybe you could add more stanzas and a deffinate ending.

Overall good, just mainly work on the structure.
7/10

If you have the time my most recent post on here is called 'She'd kill me' Cheers

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Anybody else?

[FA]

I'll get to it soon...I'm busy memorizing the alphabet...

L is for Lazy
P is for Procrastinate

[Oh, Cassandra]

And poetry doesn't taste as sweet as your lips
even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk
pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not).

I love the brackets at the end of the third line, it gives a more intimate feel to the piece. From a grammar point of view, I think you should add some commas around the 'half drunk'.


And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to.

Very long line - I would advise breaking it up a bit.


I walked you home, you asked if I
wanted to talk about it I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.

You lose some of the poetry here, because the first bit reads the way a person would speak. It seems to work well in this particular stanza, flow-wise and whatnot, so I wouldn't really want to change anything. Just throwing in my two cents.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to,
and I haven't been able to smile since the day I was born.
Again, long lines.

This is a short piece but is nicely written. It certainly flows well throughout. I don't have much else to add - well done!

[Linsey]

yeh, it was pretty good. i agree with the rest of the guys. probably just a case of breaking up a couple of lines here and there.

i like the simplicity of it.

[FA]

And poetry doesn't taste as sweet as your lips
even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk
pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not).

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to.

I walked you home, you asked if I
wanted to talk about it I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.

And you, you can still smile and look at me the way you used to,
and I haven't been able to smile since the day I was born.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm, interesting piece I guess. The overall theme I get...well strictly based on the last line is you admitting depression of some sort...never being able to smile, etc. Anyway I love this opening stanza, although I don't know why poetry would have a sweet taste in the first place but hey I make weird metaphors and similies, so it's all good. One thing that I'm not sure is intentional or not is your punctuation on certain lines and in certain stanzas. Some parts it tells me to just keep reading but it doesn't sound right and at times it tells me to break when I think it should keep flowing. It's not a big problem because you, as the writer, know how to speak it, it's just a pet peeve of mine. I'm sure most of them were intentional and I understand that. Also in the opening stanza, I'm confused (probably something I'm just reading wrong) but when you say:

"...even though it stings when I kiss you half drunk pretending that I'm not (well, I'm not)"

I get the sense that you're faking drunkeness not to upset her, but then why would you even take the time to mention you're half drunk? Or are you doing it to make her more comfortable? Oh well, no big deal.

Although the last line seems a little...cheesy, it kind of fits how you led things up. You mentioned she can smile at you like she always has and you lead it all into a depressing state saying you've never smiled. Something little that I think would help is if you added an "and" in the second stanza...


I walked you home and you asked if I
wanted to talk about it, I said:
talking's never helped. So I sang,
and made things worse.

It's a short song, but it doesn't suffer for it really, unless you wanted to add more imagery and depression in there, but that can always clutter things up. It's a nice piece and gets its message across very easily. Not the best, but it's not bad. Looking forward to the next piece.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

^ Two bits to clear up: I was very drunk at the time, but I kept trying to tell her I wasn't so that this incident would have some sort of legitmacy the next morning, that it wasn't just the alcohol. I dunno if that helps the poetic meaning, but its just the way it was. I also thought the final line was cheeseball/cliche, but I do need some sort of conclusion. By "the day I was born" I'm really refering to that night, kind of an extremely subtle and unnoticable allusion to Bright Eyes' "First Day of My Life" or (alternately), a subtle and unnoticable metaphor for the same idea.

Thanks folks! If there was anybody who wanted me to check your ****, and I didn't, feel free to yell at me.

EDIT: Please ignore this thread, I want it to drop down on the list so's I can politely add another submission.