Song for Django (revisited)

[Schyma]

I've taken out the parts I didn't like, put in some new parts and this was my results. Tell me what you think. Constructive criticism greatly wanted and will be greatly appreciated.

Song for Django

Django and your Gypsy Jazz
Infectious rhythms fly
swooping around our heads
you offer a swing and dance
with your swinging Jazz we'll drift out until
the sun rises like a child in the sky
until then let those luxurious melodies spin
around your fingertips.

Django with your Gypsy Jazz
Freewheeling rhythms glide with
Grappelli's violin elegantly singing
to the baselines that dance down spines.
Your music drifts about
like the sweet aroma of tea
flowing out of the Jazz Hot-clubs
and into the French streets.

Django with your Gypsy Jazz
pulsating rhythms bounce making
our hearts beat, beat, beat
and our feet tap mad mad mad
your stringed instrument will serve
as a paint brush, so paint us a picture of the
furious frenzy of fires dancing
inside those gypsy eyes.
~ Spencer Schyma

I feel the ending needs a little more......

[stevensonmat2]

Is this Django the cyborg monkey from sealab 2021?

[Schyma]

:lol:


http://image.allmusic.com/00/amg/pic200/drp300/p347/p34714xiudt.jpg

He's a hugely influential Jazz Guitarist from France that has a Gypsy style.

[stevensonmat2]

Oh, I was way off haha!

[Rubes9492]

Reinhardt....that's a pretty groovy description of him. Beautifully written. Certainly reminds me of his playing style....his great playing style...

I heart Minor Swing....

[Schyma]

Thanks. :)

Minor Swing = sex in a bottle

Possibly my favorite song ever and the biggest inspiration for this song.

[Surf]

firstly, and most importantly, you've spelt 'eclipses' wrong in you signature. :)

but as for the song, its better in some ways, and worse in others; overall better.

i think in the first version, the one stanza approach really worked, made it feel more improvised (to an extent) more off the cuff; something i felt was reflected well in both the subject matter and the style. to be honest, you could keep it the same, just put it all into one stanza.
i don;t think the repitition of mad mad mad works very well: to trivial a word, in terms of the tone of the poem. try a synonmn, and don;t repeat, or perhaps a similie.
i love the line about the french streets, my favourite here. but on the last line, drop the and change into to onto, and exchange 'the' for an adjective.

thats all. i still really like this, and its better than the last version. just give some final tweaks and i think you've got it.

[Schyma]

Song for Django

Django and your Gypsy Jazz
Infectious rhythms fly
swooping around our heads
you offer a swing and dance
with your swinging Jazz we'll drift out til'
the sun rises like a child in the sky
but for now let those luxurious
melodies spin madly around your fingertips
and Grappelli with his elegantly gliding violin
weeping along to the baselines
that dance down spines.
those pulsating rhythms make
hearts beat, beat, beat
and minds ramble mad mad mad
your music drifts about
like the sweet aroma of tea
flowing out of the Jazz Hot-clubs
and onto the French streets
let your stringed instrument serve
as a paint brush, a note for every color
and a canvas for every song
so paint us a picture, Django man, of the
furious frenzy of fires all dancing
inside those gypsy eyes.

~ Spencer Schyma

I rearranged it (again), took some stuff out, changed/added some and put it all into one stanza. Tell me what you think, Surf. (or anyone for that matter)

Surf: I greatly appreciate the help, man; next time you post a song I'll be sure to crit it and here is some rep too. :)

[Surf]

no worries man.

i think this is pretty close to complete; there's only two little things i'd change.

firstly, in the fifth line, change the 'til' for 'until'. rather that a colliquialism, i think this will work alot better as a 10 sylable line; the metre will be more in tune with the next line, and the rhythm/flow will be improved. besides the 'til' sits rather awkwardly on the tongue.

secondly, change the word stringed. its too basic, and there's plenty of other words you could use that would have a better effect. stringed just seems to play it too safe, too obvious. try to think how he'll be using the instrument, or what colour is it? something a little less ordinary.

anyway, that's all i can think of now. i really like this. so good luck with any rewrites etc.