A Good Fight Lasts Forever

[Oblique]

A general song about war, nothing too special. Basic song structure. I'm still working on a bridge though.


The battle for the earth will begin
Sides are chosen to be fought
The forces of you are sure to win
You are certain we are not
Our causes have been tarnished
By your unforgiving thoughts
Your pauses try to resist
The constant feeling we've been caught

This pointless conflict
An excuse for you
To be a leader
And become a fool
This insane conquest
A chance to do
All the wrong things
They believe in too

The struggle for our home has begun
Love is over we have crossed
The power of you with your new guns
Hate has made you feel so lost
Our focus has been target
Of your unrelentless might
Your reasons have been misled
By the feeling that you're right

[Surf]

my magical power of deduction tell me you have posted this song before. and that you got no crits. and that you haven't changed anything. could you really not think of anything to change in three years? self edit man.

but my thoughts. firstly, too many pronouns. you tried to draw a metaphor using war and relationships, which doesn;t pay off. there's nothing really engagin in either side, nothing to keep me reading. the amount of pronouns gives a very prosey feel which detracts from the rhythm of the piece. secondly, the themes, and the way they ar comunicated aren't great. there's no maturity, nor depth to what's being said. the metaphor tries hard to break this, buts it's too weak to sustain. my suggestion would be to focus far more on the side of the relationship, with only more slight reference to war. the parts about war seem very dull.
overall, not great. but by tweaking the balance of the metaphors, you could make it much more interesting.

[TojesDolan]

I'm not worried about flow, to be quite honest. What worries me is the simplicity, and lack of a sense of metaphor, like Surf said.

It would work as a song, I can give you that, but for what it was written for, to be a simple song it's alright, but it's always good to push boundaries. :)

[Oblique]

yea, i wrote the song to be pretty simple, just trying out various writing styles.

I totally forgot about this piece till i was digging through some old files on my computer.