i hate poem titles

[A Spoonful Supreme]

A man wearing a mask for oxygen
Flies a plane on the fringes of our atmosphere.
He is close to the space unknown,
Travelling at high speeds,
Cutting through the sky like a razor.
As he streaks across,
Outracing sound,
A 50 Megaton blast from below.
The sky is eerily illuminated,
A sudden burst of energy.
The ocean boils far below,
The sky chokes,
And the pilot bears witness,
Up there, so high,
He could drop bombs on heaven.

[TojesDolan]

I'm not a big fanatic of using numbers as digits, but properly spelt: "fifty megaton". The theme is alright, I don't love it to be honset, but if you made a rip-off thrash metal band this would work just fine.

There's a clear excess of punctuation, but that's not much of a problem in my eyes, just try to make it flow better or something.

[A Spoonful Supreme]

haha oh god a metal band would be the last thing id join

[TojesDolan]

haha oh god a metal band would be the last thing id join
I meant that your style was very... Megadethish, to be quite honest.

[A Spoonful Supreme]

just cuz it had an atomic bomb description in it?

crazy generalization u got there

[TojesDolan]

The mood overall, actually. The mask for oxygen, the overall sky-like sensation, but mostly it had a bellic taint to it. There was no space for romanticism, up until the moment you end, but it's actually to late to regenerate what you've done up to now.

[A Spoonful Supreme]

hes in a high flying fighter plane so thats why he has a mask for oxygen and an atomic bomb goes off underneath him, i hate metal :) is it possible these days to write a poem about something negative without being either emo or metal. would injecting it with romanticism remedy that stigma

[TojesDolan]

Welcome to the world of songwriting.

The catch is to write things without other knowing what ou're talking about, but them having this little idea on what you're planning to outcase... it's a weird thing. It's all about hinding and being mysterious.

I don't like that personally, but I've grown fascinated with the more obscure style of songwriting, so whatever. Anyway you are walking a path that will probably lead nowhere good. :(

[A Spoonful Supreme]

erm, ive never written a song this is more of a poem of prose, broken to flow. inspired by this:


The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner
by Randall Jarrell

From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,
And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze.
Six miles from earth, loosed from the dream of life,
I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.

so would u say that that is metal?

[El_Goodo]

hes in a high flying fighter plane so thats why he has a mask for oxygen and an atomic bomb goes off underneath him, i hate metal :) is it possible these days to write a poem about something negative without being either emo or metal. would injecting it with romanticism remedy that stigma

Settle down...would you have rather gotten no comments? If you hate the entire genre of metal then you probably never heard Megadeth. Your lyrics do have a sort of Megadeth feel to them, that's not a bad thing Mustaine can write some pretty great political lyrics when he wants too. And just because someone pictures it as a metal song doesn't mean it's going to be a metal song.

[A Spoonful Supreme]

im not getting worked up u misinterpreted the vibe i was just srsly wondering since alot of metal deals with these negative type things, dont tell me to settle down eitehr lol, yeah ive heard megadeath