Tell me what ya think. i changed the name to "Felony"

[StoneTemplePilot]

This is a song i wrote for my band (Im the bassist/SInger/Lyricist), tell me what ya think.

"A shotglass full of insanity,
A pill that gives me energy,
I dont know if im coming or going,
All i know is where ive been,

Cover your eyes young one,
You dont know whats outside your window,
A scary man a creepy man,
Just ignore him and he will go away now,

Dance in the fire young one,
Only ashes remain,
Dance in the smoke young one,
You have nothing to gain,

Barrel full of sand,
World in my hand,
If you want the man,
Track him down and catch him X4

He was caught and put to death now X2
Its all over done with and said nowX2"

[DeadReligion]

Mmm bass. Most underrated instrument ever. Your lyrics are too generic, cliche, the first two lines are nice I guess. Your word choice is childish ex. see "creepy".

[TheBigMachine]

The narrator is talking to a young child, so it's warranted. There should be no now on the end of the last line in stanza two. I have no idea why it's there, it throws off the rhythm of the song completely and does nothing for the song as a piece of poetry.

And as DeadReligion said, it's pretty cheesy. Typical band music, you might say. I would advise against repeating the couplet four times, or the lines twice each. For a start, it's a boring couplet. Perhaps repeat it once, then tweak it and repeat it again. Just a suggestion to make it more interesting.

Also, "track him down and catch him" four times is too much. Twice, ok maybe, but four times is a little over the top. Again, the line is too bland. And even the most brilliant one liner in history should never be repeated too many times.

Rhymes: Rhymes were quite predictable, and easy to forsee. With music, this could be ok, but as a set of lyrics, again they're too boring.

However, on a positive note, the first two lines were good - a good rhyme, and nice metaphors, which is always great.

IF you haven't already, pay a visit to the song writing guide at the top of the page. Good luck :)