Meditation on Religion: A Journey to Self-awareness

[Lowridenn]

It was a condiment tray of still-frames
and lead paints that lead me me to this place.
But it's only a time before this caffeine
fix fails and sobriety thrusts me back to reality.
The swirling scents of cinnamon and sex shoot
shivers down my spine as I regret to inform you
of my nicotine debts, these broken necks,
and dusty weathered texts.
I've been stuck on the edge of reason
as I fail to understand how those religious sects
can find something to believe in.
As the seasons change, I'm finding it difficult: believing,
I won't be caught believing.

[drumass04]

Very nice, very nice indeed.

I love the imagery within the description, it's very vivid and interesting. Really hel;ps to develop the piece.

The swirling scents of cinnamon and sex shoot
shivers down my spine -- That really is an awesome piece of imagery, I love it!

When I read about your 'nicotine debts' it immediately reminded me of oxygen debt after running a race. Works very well, whether that was intended I don't know, but I thought it created a great idea within my mind.

I'm not too sure about the repetition of 'believing' in the last few lines...try and think of another word, because you really say it too much. I know it emphasises the point a little more but it can get annoying, very quickly!

Other than that, fantastic piece.

Well done, keep it up!

Timmy

[Surf]

yeah, pretty much what tim said, really good.

my one niggle is the title - only a slight problem, but it doesn;t suit the piece at all. try a few words rather than a synopsis of the themes.

[Lowridenn]

The repetition of believing is working (the way that it is read in my mind) perfectly, and conveys exactly the meaning I wish it too. The title is supposed to help interpretation of the piece, so I feel that it fits. Do you have any suggestions on a different title? I'd love to hear them, at least an idea or a place that you would take the title. Thanks guys, I love the positive feedback.

[TojesDolan]

A little typo: sobriety.

It's very nice indeed, short, to the point. I like it a lot.

[Oh, Cassandra]

Not a word has been wasted.

Excellent piece, very well done.

[Lowridenn]

Bumit it like it's hot.

[Sloth]

I liked this right from the start.
ondiment tray of still-frames
and lead paints NICE!

The swirling scents of cinnamon and sex shoot
shivers down my spine Great line, but I hate you for it. I have almost this exact line in a piece I'm working on. Grrrrr *shakes fist at you*

I really like the rest of it. You really did a nice job with the end, with believing and such. I like you word choice especially. You show that you're trying to understand and trying to believe, but you can't take the "step of faith" so to say.
The only thing I don't like is how you make Caffeine and Nicotine to be some huge conflict and hinderance within yourself. Those two things just aren't serious enough for me.
Other than that little fuss, I like this a lot

[Lowridenn]

Oh, Sloth, how I always appreciate your kind words.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

It was a condiment tray of still-frames
and lead paints that lead me me to this place.
Personally, condiment tray wouldn't be my first choice for a metaphor, but at least it's original.
But it's only a time before this caffeine
fix fails and sobriety thrusts me back to reality.
The swirling scents of cinnamon and sex shoot
shivers down my spine as I regret to inform you
This part has lovely word play/interplay, and is very smooth.
of my nicotine debts, these broken necks,
I'm sorry, but I really really like that line.
and dusty weathered texts.
I've been stuck on the edge of reason
as I fail to understand how those religious sects
can find something to believe in.
I like this idea.
As the seasons change, I'm finding it difficult: believing,
I won't be caught believing.

It gets better as it goes. Beggining is just a random collection of images, and then the ending/conclusion/lesson/whatever-the-word-I-want-is kinda comes outta nowhere and seems unrelated. But, it's still a mighty fine piece of work.