a 14 year olds song/poem

[guitarist7]

this is actually a poem but im thinking i will make it a song, possitive reanforcement, negitive critisism, give it to me! im 14 this was written in mexico. its about how i see an acid trip, though i never have.


as the possesing colors move into my soul,
nobody joins them because no one knows,
the songs of yesterday hide away,
never to be known but just for today,
in the shallow emptyness of a familiar breeze,
the gypsy dances with my mind to seize,
few shall posses her due to the limited sight,
as my absorbant soul flies in to the night,
as the high grows grim in pain and sorrow,
the emtyness will fill my tomarrow,

[FA]

I'm assuming he meant his mind....although it still is a fragment.

Has tripping on acid always interested you or what? I found it odd to write a piece on something like that, especially something you've never experienced. Oh well, things I write aren't always normal.

[drumass04]

This seemed a little perculiar to me, for one, not all of it makes sense. I could only really piece it together because you'd said it was about a drug trip.

I think that it's often difficult to write about something you've never experienced. If one of your friends is falling apart from drugs why not write about how you feel about his disintergration. If you right something about what you know, or have felt it's much easier to get a meaningful piece of writing.

In places it seemed a little verbose, and often felt as if it was hitting a dead end. Also, use wordcheck :p


This isn't bad, I'm guessing that you are fairly new to the whole songwriting side of things? But I feel it could be strengthened in many ways.

Firstly by creating a story or emotion that you are trying to talk about, rather than what appears to be random words relating to the theme.


I suggest you read the guide at the top of the S&L forums entitled 'how to be a better writer' or something along those lines. I feel it'll help you a lot :)

Good luck, and keep on writing!!!

Timmy

[Volume8]

as the possesing colors move into my soul,
nobody joins them because no one knows,
the songs of yesterday hide away,
never to be known but just for today,
in the shallow emptyness of a familiar breeze,
the gypsy dances with my mind to seize,
few shall posses her due to the limited sight,
as my absorbant soul flies in to the night,
as the high grows grim in pain and sorrow,
the emtyness will fill my tomarrow,

Why the **** does a 14 year old want to write a poem about an acid trip??? Jesus im pretty sure that when i was 14 i was close to a saint in comparrison to kids today, well i was close to saint ish... Around that general saint area.

Anyway, Acid is a load of ****, 3 out of the four times ive dropped acid have been absolutely aweful, Ive had complete demons on that stuff and now all i have to show for it is a few nights that were potentially ruined by this hippie bound drug and the possibility of some day having acid flashbacks.

Just read a book and use your imagination, i guarentee it will be more amusing in the long run.

[jon_slaps_bass]

drink yourself into a stupor with your friends insult one of them.......write afterwards.

[TojesDolan]

Experience is necessary for you to actually have some... position on things.

SO go out experience stuff. Your writing is good, it needs refinement, and less pompousness. :)

[wartree]

Ya its true, i am 14 years old too, and i´ve written a lyric: "screw the teacher" see here http://sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=489715
and stanza of mine : http://sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=491905

cause are experiences of my person...

[TojesDolan]

It's also hard to write about things you don't know, because there's not much to get stuff from. Eh.

[Surf]

i don't find it too hard to write about something of which i know nothing, but the experience definitley helps. i focus a lot on old age and the passing of time in my writing, which i'm not too schooled in (i'm 18). i've also talked about an affair, which isn;t something of which i have any experience.

in terms of this piece, i think that the rhyme scheme definitely hinders the work. an acid trip is something i imagine would be very random, yet the simple AABB structure grounds it too much. try combing and alternating form and strucute between stanzas, it'll give the piece a much looser feel, and help give the reader a sense of the obsucrity of the situation.

[El_Goodo]

anyway the meter is off on some of the lines, the rhymes are forced, and it's too wordy and blunt.

People rarely pay attention to meter and such especailly in songwriting. And I will never approve of saying rhymes are forced...when is a rhyme not forced? When you write to lines without thinking and they accidentally rhyme? I've done that before...and it was still called forced rhyming on here.

[Oblique]

to write a piece about an acid trip, you really have to have dropped acid first, trust me. You have no idea what its like until you actually do it.

[Volume8]

to write a piece about an acid trip, you really have to have dropped acid first, trust me. You have no idea what its like until you actually do it.

That being said, Never drop acid!

ESPECIALLY if you happen to be at a friends house who has a ****ed up pattern on their carpet. Anyway,

Drugs aren't cool, stay in school.
tH@ was teh forCed rhymorZ!

[Oblique]

lmao

acid is really not something "depressed" people should do anyway. and plus its not very smart.

[Oblique]

but to be honest, you really didnt do a bad job describing what its like on acid. Every trip is personal and different but you seem to have the general idea down. are you sure you havent tripped before?

[Volume8]

as the possesing colors move into my soul,


Come to think of it, he hasn't done that bad a job. One of the lads i know was running around the house claiming to have a "Ready brek glow".

He was off his tits, I also recall another friend who was stood on our stairs waiting for the "escalator" to work. Haha, random.

/drugs aren't fun

[Oblique]

liar

[Volume8]

Alright,

Drugs (on occassion and within moderation) are fun!

But they are not clever!

[Oblique]

lol

but being serious for a moment, if you can find better ways to have fun than doing drugs, do those things instead

[sexymuffin]

now i want to do acid again.

anyways, describing acid when you've never done it is like a frog that has lived in a pond all his life describing the ocean. Just becuase he's seen pictures, heard stories and dreamt about it, doesn't mean he understands it.

[stevensonmat2]

how fauxetic.

[guitarist7]

well, this isnt really about acid, kinda but not really, i wrote this in mexico watching some weird gypsy dance, and i refined it after reading doors of perception (the drug refreces) and also ive done shrooms and morning glory so i kinda get the basis. but dont do drugs anymore, i just tried them to alter my perception, not just to get high.

[Volume8]

well, this isnt really about acid, kinda but not really, i wrote this in mexico watching some weird gypsy dance, and i refined it after reading doors of perception (the drug refreces) and also ive done shrooms and morning glory so i kinda get the basis. but dont do drugs anymore, i just tried them to alter my perception, not just to get high.

Now thats a pile of bollocks if ever i saw one

[kidthatplaysguitar91]

Who cares if your 14?

I'm also 14 but you dont see me whining about it.

[wartree]

Who cares if your 14?

I'm also 14 but you dont see me whining about it.

after this post you are whining about your age, too, ahahahha , the people is all the same... (even me, who knew)