Next To Me (Constructive Critisim PLEASE)

[MassacreDrummer]

I'm really trying to improve my songwritting so any comments are extremely welcome. Negative comments that aren't flaming would be great thank you :)

Unfortunately it's a bit depressing, but I'll write a happier song for the next thread! :thumb:

Next To Me

When I say what I've been thinking
When I say what's on my mind
When I feel the way I feel
It's this way all of the time

I can see myself in my own eyes
Staring back at me, like I've never seen
I'll just stay woven in these lines
But it won't ever be, you that's next to me.

All the time when I stand by
I want you here for some time
All the time when I say that it's just fine
She walks in and suddenly I do mind

I can see myself in my own eyes
Staring back at me, like I've never seen
I'll just stay woven in these lines
But it won't ever be, you that's next to me.

When will she go away?
Just leave us all alone
Can't be apart for one day?
Just leave and go home

I can see myself in my own eyes
Staring back at me, like I've never seen
I'll just stay woven in these lines
But it won't ever be, you that's next to me.

-MassacreDrummer :evil:

[Angelicrock]

I say this a lot but "not to be a dick," I hated it. My advice would be to write about something with substance. Think of all the pressing issues in the world and your own life and I garuntee you that this person is not the most important or the one you are most passionate about. I can tell because the writing wasnt good. You put no emotion into it. You need to find something that you are 100% devoted to emotionally and mentally, then express that into words. Thats what makes up good lyrics.

[DeadReligion]

He's right. But, to your credit, you didn't use a lame rhyme scheme. Thanks for that. Also, the right amounts of imagery, metaphor and other such techniques enhance writing as well. Oh, and good word choice as well.