Ham!

[slpntrx5]

i wrote this song while eating ham for dinner, hence the thread title :amaze: ...and i think i'm still owed a crit or two from the last coupla crits i posted. anyway, i wrote this after listening to TONS of alkaline trio today, so try to think of the singing style in "mercy me" and "we've had enough" :wave:


he's a clown, he's a joker
he's a lover, he's a player
he loves to do the voice
that sounds just like vader

he lives under rain-soaked
cardboard roofs
he's never been stuffed
with silver spoons

Chorus:
that sparkle in her eye
just makes him want to die
the way she swings her hips
he just wants to feel her lips
on his

he wrote a letter
it read just like this:
"I wanna meet you under
the cover of darkness"

oh, the dreams he had
he never turned his back

chorus

[slpntrx5]

anyone? anyone at all?

[Surf]

you really want a serious crit on a song called 'ham!'?

well then for a start change the title. no one can take you seriously, and it looks like a joke song; hence no serious crits. that and it has nothing to do with the subject matter


i think the problem with the content of the song is that there's no continuity, no story, no ideas. from what i gather some homeless person (seemingly) really likes a girl. this is boring. couple that with bland ideas - silver spoons-
and t makes for an uninteresting song. the word choice and form are also pretty dull.

if i were you, i would maybe keep the chorus, but scratch everything else. the idea isn't great, but i think you could make somthing from the chorus.

also, check out the songwriting guide, i may have already suggested it to you,. but it could really help you find a better way to voice your ideas

[slpntrx5]

okay, well thanks man. yeah, i couldn't think of a title at the time. i know this one is stupid (as is the song), but oh well...