An Epic Tale; Chapter One

[drumass04]

Here's the first chapter of my latest work. I wrote this in about 15 minutes, during that time the music I was listening to changed (Moonlight Sonata to Clair de Lune), the style of writing changed a little when the music did. Thing is, the style change doesn't even relate to the music!

Anyway, I've revised it a little since the first 15 minutes, but I think it still needs a fair bit of work. I'd call this a first draft.

For those who haven't read the Prologue; http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=489771

Chapter One

Hardened steel, locked around his wrists
Forcefully tied, to the wrought iron trellis.
Captured and incensed he’d been lead
From his home, away from that beautiful nestling
That he was now so besotted;
Through a grainy, unnatural love.

Bare, his chest rasped, breathing
Against the blooms of his un-homely domicile.
Brutal, the force of their hands
Still tolling upon his mind as
Cold, his breath formed upon the bars.
Creeping, his cell mate slid, from his
Sheet less bunk to where the old man stood.

Thoughts linger, around his mind.
Just like the first clumsy flight of that
Tiny, new born chick that he’d watched.

As though the dreamlike grazing,
Through the moonlight shadows; hurt
The old man fell;
Broken on the harsh flagstone floor.

Below the shaft of moon light
A love awoke, in an old man’s heart
Fluttering like the wings of ‘his’ chick,
Upon the hard stone floor.

Around an old man’s shoulders
The weight of something unfamiliar.

Tim Peacock
13/9/2006
©2006

Crits will be returned as usual. If I still owe you please tell me!!!!

Hope you enjoyed,

Timmy

[Surf]

s'up? i like this alot, but i've got a few criticisms.

The hardened steel, locked around his wrists
And tied to the wrought ironwork.
Captured and incensed he’d been lead
From his home, away from that beautiful chick
That he was now, so besotted;
Through a grainy, rough unnatural love.

this reads alot like prose. too many connectives that don;t help, just make it feel like a story cut off at the line breaks. if i were you, i'd remove some of the 'and's and 'the's. e.g.

The hardened steel, locked around his wrists
And tied to the wrought ironwork.
Captured and incensed he’d been lead
From his home, away from that beautiful chick
That he was now, so besotted;
Through a grainy, rough unnatural love.

all those you can afford to cut. there are others, but they require a change in syntax etc, so i'll leave that to you. i've bolded 'rough' because you have too many adjectives describing the same thing in the same way, and rough is the worst of them; ditch it. another (albeit slight) problem is the use of 'chick' i know its a bird, but i couldn't shake the idea that you were refering to a woman. that you use it later on also suggests that you need to change the word choice. even if you are drawing a bird/woman parallel, you could do it in a much more mature way. i can;t think of anything right now, so i'll leave that up to you.

Bare, his chest rasped, breathing
Against the bars of his un-homely domicile.
Brutal, the force of their hands
Still tolling upon his mind as
Cold, his breath formed upon the bars.
Creeping, his cell mate slid, from his
Sheet less bunk to where the old man stood.

much better, reads less like prose right from the off. the only thing i word suggest would be to ease up on the description of the jail, or at least make it more interesting. you've described/mentioned the bars twice, but neither time does the reader/listener get a real idea of what the bars are like, just that they are there, and that they are a bit of an inconvienience.


Thoughts flitted, around his mind.
Just like the first clumsy flight of that
Tiny, new born chick that he’d watched.

though flitted is a word, it sounds awkward, and i don;t like it. i'm sure there's plenty of other words to describe a light airy movement. nice stanza though, i think (but can;t be bothered to check) that it refers to the prolouge in terms of some of the phrasing.

As though the dreamlike grazing,
Through the moonlit bars of his cell hurt.
The old man fell;
Broken on the harsh flagstone floor.

there's the bars again, but still no description of them; i'd advise using a synonymn, just to stop it wearing out, if this song is about jail, you'll need to use bars again probably, and best not to wear it out early on. i would also suggest using a semi-colon after 'cell', and dropping the full stop after 'hurt'

Upon that harsh flagstone floor,
A love awoke, in an old man’s heart
Fluttering like the wings of ‘his’ chick,
Upon the hard stone floor.

not sure about the repitition so early, the second time is fine, but in the first line it seems too sudden, let it sink into the reader's mind set first. also the apostrophes around chick i don't get, but then its probably rewfering to some part of the story i haven't read yet.


Around an old man’s shoulders
The weight of something unfamiliar.

great finish, nothing i can suggest.


overall, really good, apart from a slightly prose-y first stanza (which will always happen when telling a story like this). i've focused only on the negative bits here, but rest assured, there's some really good writing, and i'm very much looking forward to the next part. :)

[drumass04]

Thanks Surf :)

Extremely helpful once again!! I'll have a look at those bits now while I get the chance.

Timmy

[DeadReligion]

You make me want to write, hah, I missed you Timtim. Lol. Anyway I really like this, the imagery isn't superfluous, the meaning is clear (provided you've read the prologue). Just two small things, I don't like domicile as word choice and "sheet less" should be sheetless. I know this isn't much of a crit, but if you could check my new one out, I'd deeply appreciate your input.

[drumass04]

Thanks DR, good to see you around again!!

For some reason the spellcheck didn't like 'sheetless' :confuzzled:

I'll go check out yours in two seconds.

Timmy

[Ishy_]

Hardened steel, locked around his wrists
Forcefully tied, to the wrought iron trellis.
Captured and incensed he’d been lead
From his home, away from that beautiful nestling
That he was now so besotted;
Through a grainy, unnatural love.

^ Unnecessary puntuation really adds nothing to this. No need for a comma after tied. Put it after wrists if you want it that badly. I'd take the 'and' out, after captured. Maybe a comma there?

'That he was now' sounds kinda weird, like you need a 'with' in there. 'With whom' would probably be more grammatically correct. I'm not sure, it's your call. The last line is strong, but the group of 2 adjectives sounds odd. You were right to get rid of rough though. Maybe something like 'grainy lust; unnatural love.'


Bare, his chest rasped, breathing
Against the blooms of his un-homely domicile.
Brutal, the force of their hands
Still tolling upon his mind as
Cold, his breath formed upon the bars.
Creeping, his cell mate slid, from his
Sheet less bunk to where the old man stood.
^You're changing the normal syntax of a sentence in the first line, and I'm not sure why. It doesn't add any particular effect. 'His bare chest..' would sound equally good. It's pulled off better in L3.
I'm pretty sure it is 'sheetless.' -less is a suffix. Screw you, spellcheck. :p


Thoughts linger, around his mind.
Just like the first clumsy flight of that
Tiny, new born chick that he’d watched.
^ *ishy burns the unnecessary comma*

As though the dreamlike grazing,
Through the moonlight shadows; hurt
The old man fell;
Broken on the harsh flagstone floor.
^this makes no sense. If you remove the linbreaks it reads

As though the dreamlike grazing, through the moonlight shadows; hurt(,) the old man fell; Broken on the harsh flagstone floor.

Moonlight shadows is cliche, as is broken on the floor. The dreamlike grazing what? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but your weakest part so far.

Below the shaft of moon light
A love awoke, in an old man’s heart
Fluttering like the wings of ‘his’ chick,
Upon the hard stone floor.

^Im sure moonlight is one word.
You've only just mentioned the stone floor; I'm bored.

Around an old man’s shoulders
The weight of something unfamiliar.

^Good ending.

I really like the concept, but I reckon you fell short on the execution. He's in prison, okay. But you only seem to really develop anything towards the end, the rest is just setting another scene.

Sorry to be so negative about this one tim.
Plus, I'm in a bad mood and you caught a lot of it.

[TojesDolan]

The first one is highly descriptive, so highly descriptive, tense and well, BIG words are a bit unnecesary, or at least I feel there are too many. A couple could be simplified, and it'd work wonders, it's very descriptive, so cheers on that.

The second stanza is good enough to drop dead. There's a balance between everything, so cheers on that too.

In the third stanza you can dismiss the comma, there's no need to have it, the first line would flow perfectly without it.

Fourth stanza: Chick is vague and not very glamorous (to name it somehow, haha), but clumsy is a good word ,which is fitting and good, I think. I like how it looks.

The rest of the piece flows perfectly. "chick" Still bugs me, though. What's the purpose behind using such... bad word? Unless there's something to back up such thing, which I'd love to hear... Otherwise I feel it doesn't fit the medieval mood. Otherwise it's a good epic. Seems like there will beplenty of death and shi.

[drumass04]

Thanks everyone, sorry I haven't been around to return any crits, I'll get to them this evening. Unfortunately my computer decided to die, and I've only just got it back from wherever the computer hospital is.

I've been working on this a lot in my notepad, so I'll put up some more revisions in an hour or so, once I've got round to catching up on some crits!

Special thanks to Tojes, Ish and Surf :D

Timmy