1984 again

[notjester589]

For some reason when I write lately it all comes back to the book 1984 whether I plan it or not...so here are some tentative stanzas to what will become a song once I arrange it. I should just do a whole 1984 album and get it out of the way...although Bowie already conqured that territory

Dark breaths of the huddled masses
Poison anomalies nearly every day
Fire burns through their lack of a facade
False fronts breed in the den of hate

Togetherness is love, so is Big Brother
Bond to each other and become one and the same
One large super cell to blanket the land
Immortal as god, corrupt as the saints

Partake in bleak passions, dull lays on a stage
Love is a duty to the god of the war
With who are we fighting, depends on the week
History's eraser will fix the mistakes

Make love in a deep forest, trees used as protective walls
Is love truly sinful, I question it all
Hold me close like you should and be put away
Recognition danger, you won't know me again

[Surf]

first advice; widen you're reading range - this should help you embrace more ideas and hence be able to write about them. within the realm of dystopian fiction i would suggest the following, (some of which you may already of read)
animal farm, brave new world, utopia (all pretty essential), anything by philip k dick/margret atwood/william gibson. fahrenheit 451 and a clockwork orange


in-terms of the song: it feels like too much of a rip off of 1984 to stand on its own two feet. its not too bad referencing things like big brother etc, but this seems to be 1984 the musical, done poorly (like you said, Bowie. but he couldn't get the rights, and his project morphed into something else, diamond dogs i think), when the song leaves the references it becomes better. the last two verses are far and away the better ones, because the references aren't so overt, and they contain enough ideas to stand on their own. if i were you, i would scrap the first two stanzas, and try building somthing new (i.e. not based on 1984) from these last two verses.

[wartree]

i cant say anything about ur lyric ( literaly) cause some things are confuse to me , cause i am not an expert in english, and i think that i dont have much experience to comment any work of other compositors...
But it seems that have many elements to relact one fact, wich is good.. But i will remain shuted up

[DeadReligion]

Try Brave New World. BNW owns 1984. Or Fahrenheit 451... 1984 was terrible in comparison. And I hated it, to be honest.

[notjester589]

I am going to do what was suggested...drop the first part and start at the dull lays on a stage verse

I can see a much better story develop just out of that premise