This Distance Between Us.

[jurialmunkey]

Down by the right foot, dripping, lies, a ribbon with ties;
Drenched by the sweat and the blood of your father,
Who could not want you.

Circle like running clowns on a pedestal;
Up high with balance beam harmony.
Celebrate the sound, the silence of the tension
That floats amongst the ground.

A pinnacle at height in gratuitous space,
Treason! The foot quavers,
Looking for the rope, and a reason
Not to slip…

Faltering feet, a few hundred underneath,
The cord comes undone, perspiration laced,
And trembling in the uncertainty that
The two hands one length away will grasp…

Down by the right foot, dripping, lies, a ribbon with ties;
Drenched by the sweat and the blood of your father,
Who could not want you.

[lilwing89]

take out with in the first line, it ruins the flow and it makes sense without it.

the 3rd and 4th verses are my favorite :)

[jurialmunkey]

Yeah the 3rd and 4th are mine too.. I think they have the most direction.

I specifically use "with ties" because I wanted to play on the idea of the ribbon having "ties" on varying levels. The physical image of the ribbon being actually tied, alongside the emotional image of blood relations (ties) to the father which is a typical image of the provider hence also having a "tie" on another level with the allusion that the father has provided the ribbon to tie the shoe in order to walk the rope through his own blood and sweat but then the question is posed, is it even worth it when you don't know whether you will be rescued if it fails.

Still, I agree with you, it would be nicer to cut the "with" but I do think it loses some of its meaning (not all though).

[Lowridenn]

I think the first line is fine the way it is, the "with" is fine. I'm so glad that you added the first stanza again at the end of the piece. Nice way to reiterate your point. Overall I think the metaphors and imagery are well worded and well placed, not overdone. I give it a thumbs up. (=

[jurialmunkey]

thanx.




...

bump.