White Stains And Grey Skies Of The Future (Fixed)

[DeadReligion]

I actually like this piece a lot. Woohoo. Oh, sorry, I forgot that the standard color is that new silver for the background, when I log in, it always turns to the original blue that the site had when I originally came on.


White Stains and Gray Skies Of The Future

The white stains of reflection on the window,
Show the grayest sky mankind has ever seen.
In the future, some would hope for a world without a sky,
A world without the gray, a world without torture nor toil.
Impossibility is the word that comes to my mind.

Without bad there is no good.
No light to look up and smile at.
And though I look for my own utopia
It is impossible. All we can do…is lessen the pain.
Hold the dying in our arms, instead of pushing them off the cliff.

There is an ascension in the tension.
It lives up high, on snow-capped mountains.
In the passing cloud, looking up at the moon.
That huge circle of emptiness.
Just another entity in the sky, with no answers.

The tension is felt through the shaking finger,
On the back of the blade.
In the watery blood that falls from the wound.
In the crying friend’s hand that tries to stop the bleeding.
And the injured man holding on to the edge of the volcano.

The tension is built, and the common ground fell
Into liquid hot magma.

[jurialmunkey]

I like this piece. Sums up atleast the Western World feeling at the moment. Bleak. Some parts are a little bitting wooden and akward but overall I like. I really like how you mix up the metre and feel with your choice of words. I especially like how you rhyme within the line (hehe) and across lines rather than using more standard basic forms of rhyming. I guess the tailend needs the most work, just a bit of smoothing out. Also I don't especially like how you recycle words such as gray and tension... Isn't there another word in your vocabulary that you could use, or another way of expressing the idea to avoid reapting yourself?

This is a very strong peice and with a little fine-touching and smoothing of the creases it will turn out very nicely. Good work.

[DeadReligion]

Bump bitches, bump.

[TheBigMachine]

Impossibility is the word that comes to my mind.

Would work better without the 'my' at the end.

Without bad there is no good.


This is true, nice line.

Yes, I did enjoy this alot. Nice job.

[drumass04]

I enjoyed reading this, and it's good to see a piece from you; it's been a long time!!!

It seemed to run a little too much like prose at some points, especially the first stanza. However, there are a lot of really nice bits in that stanza, and in the piece as a whole. I particularly enjoyed;

'There is an ascension in the tension' -- That just seemed to work, and flow suprisingly well.

I think the piece ends a little too abruptly, doesn't really seem like an ending to me, the way I read it.

Still, this is a wonderful piece. A little bit of work and it'll be sorted :)

Timmy