Something I'm working on (will need a lot of help)

[I heart Ska]

This is basically a poem, but hey:


Untitled:

It starts young.
How can you hate life before it's begun?
A violent fascination. Strange impersinations
Of warlords, warriors, criminals and rapists.
A crimson tide is childs play these days.
But where do the boundaries end?
TV becomes reality.
The playground is a warzone.
A child's eye is blind to life.
They cannot see.

Life is in silence.
Person to person speach becomes imagination.
Stale communication. Resulting in digital aggrevation.
The battlefield is binary.
Ones killing Zeros.
Pain is but a simulation,
Poisoning the polluted,
Bringing death to the diseased.
The ring tone is the death tole.
Child sized graves,

The world is segmented.
Black. White. Black. Green.
Cults of society. Incestous times.
Brother, sister, spawning their clones.
Black on black, White on white.
Protect your own.
The rules of breeding, set in steel;
Moses has an upgrade.
Religion. Shot down. In flames.
She's dead. Check again.

The bomb.
Check the planes.



Lyrics are dead.
The meaning lost in plastic. Respresentations of the people.
Passion is but a dance move.
Sex sold to the young.
Lies in primary colours
From the prismatic theives.
Who's fires of inspiration have died with hope.

Music is a living.

Music is a paycheck.

Music is dead.





Thats it. I really dont think of it as songlike. But I like as a poem and would love to try and get it across with my band.

EDIT: Typo.

[Volume8]

KEY to crit

[] Lines i thought weren't all that true
[] Lines that if you really think about it, make no sence
[] Lines i thought were excellent!





It starts young.
How can you hate life before it's begun?
A violent fascination. Strange impersinations
Of warlords, warriors, criminals and rapists.
A crimson tide is childs play these days.
But where do the boundaries end?
TV becomes reality.
The playground is a warzone.
A child's eye is blind to life.
They cannot see.

Life is in silence.
Person to person speach becomes imagination.
Stale communication. Resulting in digital aggrevation.
The battlefield is binary.
Ones killing Zeros.
Pain is but a simulation,
Poisoning the polluted,
Bringing death to the diseased.
The ring tone is the death tole.
Child sized graves,

The world is segmented.
Black. White. Black. Green.
Cults of society. Incestous times.
Brother, sister, spawning their clones.
Black on black, White on white.
Protect your own.
The rules of breeding, set in stone;
Moses has an upgrade.
Religion. Shot down. In flames.
She's dead. Check again.

The bomb.
Check the planes.



Lyrics are dead.
The meaning lost in plastic. Respresentations of the people.
Passion is but a dance move.
Sex sold to the young.
Lies in primary colours
From the prismatic theives.
Who's fires of inspiration have died with hope.

Music is a living.

Music is a paycheck.

Music is dead. <--- Contradicting yourself,

Well,

To be honest this song seems like a bit of a durge, its trying to tackle too many subjects at one time;

- Terrorism
- Rising crime rates among youth's
- The taint of the music industry
- Interacial Relations
- The desensitization of people through the medium of digital entertainment.

One of your main problems is that the song is almost entirely constructed of huge sweeping generalizations and accusations with no actual proof to back them up, I suggest you take the 5 subject matters and then write five differen't songs.

Granted if you were playing this to a crowed of dead head punks who are hungry for the buzz word it would go down fantastically, theres nothing better than generalizations and controversy to get the monkeys wheeping and barking.