She'd kill me

[Octavius]

This is a song that I wrote a couple of days ago, but i've only just finished cleaning it up. It's a bit of a cliche but i like it and i though i'd post it.

I guess I wasn’t what you wanted me to be
But it’s hard to think like that when you’re seventeen
I need time to grow so lend me a watch
I’ll be ready when you’re far far away

The silence was loudest when we first spoke
My mind was empty of what things provoke
Without the blink of an eye i think we both clicked
Into something that felt alright

If it wasn't for you I'd still be stuck in a rut
waiting to find my perfect slut
You changed my world and burned some bridges
I know that its been hard for you

But now its time to face the truth and admit
Spinning circles can easily colide
And create a shape thats not easy to hide

I don’t know how much I can think about
Its hurting me to speak
I’ve got no words to say to you
I made promises but didn’t follow them through
Growing is everything in this mixed up world
I guess its time to turn my life around


You've still got to wink for me


Comments Cheers

[mutant!]

I know that its* been hard for you
And create a shape thats* not easy to hide
*"it's" and *"that's". I'm a spelling Nazi. :D

I guess I wasn’t what you wanted me to be
But it’s hard to think like that when you’re seventeen
I need time to grow so lend me a watch
I’ll be ready when you’re far far away
This strongly implies to me that she was significantly older than you (it sounds like you're being apologetic for being "only" seventeen). If that's what you're aiming for, well done; if not, change it.

The silence was loudest when we first spoke
My mind was empty of what things provoke
Without the blink of an eye i think we both clicked
Into something that felt alright
The first line is great, I totally identify. The second... I have no idea what it means. The third line is cool too. I don't know whether this is intentional, but the fact that you use "without" instead of the "within" that I expect creates this image of you both blinking at the same time, but then outside of that blink - in other words, in the space between you - this magical bond is formed. I guess you just meant to say "without blinking an eye". But I like it this way. :D

Maybe not now but later I could come away with you
This line is just going "HI! MY NAME IS AWKWARD, AND I AM RIGHT HERE!" haha, I'm just joking around. But I think you could state it better. Maybe add a line break somewhere, and just reword it a little. It's a little bland as is.

If it wasn't for you I'd still be stuck in a rut
waiting to find my perfect slut
You changed my world and burned some bridges
I know that its been hard for you
First line all melancholy and stuff - and then you suddenly seem to get angry! And then all melancholy and nostalgic again, and then suddenly Fire! Burn! And finally a last line that concedes that maybe it was hard for her too. Again, if this conflict of emotions is what you intended (very Thom Yorke, I must say), then keep it - if not, change it. (I'm just giving you POV feedback on this so you can get an idea of how this piece affects people.)

But now its time to face the truth and admit
Spinning circles can easily colide
And create a shape thats not easy to hide
Deliciously awkward, descriptive of a broken relationship. Doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece though.

I don’t know how much I can think about
Its hurting me to speak
I’ve got no words to say to you
I made promises but didn’t follow them through
Growing is everything in this mixed up world
I guess its time to turn my life around
I suppose the cliches are forgivable in light of your admittance that you still have some growing left to do - fitting, in a sense.

You've still got to wink for me
say what

idk... 6/10?

PS I'm new here and I haven't posted any of my own stuff yet, so don't have a stroke when you want to crit me back and you can't find my work. :)

[Octavius]

Cheers for the indepth crit man. Just to answer some of your questions:

This strongly implies to me that she was significantly older than you (it sounds like you're being apologetic for being "only" seventeen). If that's what you're aiming for, well done; if not, change it.
Yes she was a couple of years older than me, but she was alot my mature than me. So that was what i was aiming for.

The second... I have no idea what it means.QUOTE]
'My mind was empty of what things provoke' Basically 'things' provoke thoughts, and my mind was empty of thoughts when we spoke. Slight hidden meaning in that part.

[QUOTE]The third line is cool too. I don't know whether this is intentional, but the fact that you use "without" instead of the "within" that I expect creates this image of you both blinking at the same time, but then outside of that blink - in other words, in the space between you - this magical bond is formed. I guess you just meant to say "without blinking an eye". But I like it this way.
You probably wont understand this but the girl i wrote the song about could only wink with her right eye, she couldn't wink with her left. I spent hours with her one night trying to get her to try to blink with her left eye, and i think that really brought us together and gave us something to talk about.

Maybe not now but later I could come away with you
This line is just going "HI! MY NAME IS AWKWARD, AND I AM RIGHT HERE!" haha, I'm just joking around. But I think you could state it better. Maybe add a line break somewhere, and just reword it a little. It's a little bland as is.
Yeah that line shouldn't be there, i thought i deleted it

Deliciously awkward, descriptive of a broken relationship. Doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece though.
I like this line aswell but i dont think it fits, maybe i will change it into a bridge part.

You've still got to wink for me
say what
Again the winking thing.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, i really apreciate it. And i will keep a look out for any of your work on here.

Any other comments?

[insaneflyingmonkey]

I guess I wasn’t what you wanted me to be
But it’s hard to think like that when you’re seventeen
I need time to grow so lend me a watch
I’ll be ready when you’re far far away

First off, and I know that you or someone will be annoyed with this comment, but the uneven rhyme sheme is kinda distracting. Maybe I'm a loser, but I kept trying to see what the last two lines rhymed with (such as the last two lines of the next verse, or etc...), and I couldn't find it. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of rhyme schemes, so I'm probably biased on this point. I didn't like "so lend me a watch," and the last line seems (as you say) cliche. Otherwise, satisfactory.

The silence was loudest when we first spoke
My mind was empty of what things provoke
Without the blink of an eye i think we both clicked
Into something that felt alright

First line is worthy of a gold star... I like the vague feeling of an unresolved problem building on the last line. Second line confuses me. Thid line is a little weak, but works.

If it wasn't for you I'd still be stuck in a rut
waiting to find my perfect slut
You changed my world and burned some bridges
I know that its been hard for you

First line, is 'meh.' Second line is pretty good. See what rhyme schemes are capable of? Last half is kinda cliched, but somehow I like just the same.

But now its time to face the truth and admit
Spinning circles can easily colide
And create a shape thats not easy to hide

Not bad.

I don’t know how much I can think about
Its hurting me to speak
I’ve got no words to say to you
I made promises but didn’t follow them through
Growing is everything in this mixed up world
I guess its time to turn my life around

Get. Rid. Of. Last. Two. Lines. Also, third line is disruptive, and a little weak. Find a new way to say that. The line below seems different in a good way.

You've still got to wink for me


Overall: Could use some work, but its pretty good.