Spot The Similarities (Work In Progress)

[El_Goodo]

Chorus:
We all know were not getting out of here alive,
So I don't understand why,
Were not living while were here,

Man wakes up alone each day,
Seven A.M.,
Re-runs the same routines,
before he drags himself off to work
turns off his mind,
drifts way,
dreams he's 10 years old again,
the picture of his childhood dreams,
contrasts with his reality
and his smile starts to fade
as he notices the lack of similarities,
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I just wrote that after listening to Round Here by the Counting Crows and reading what it was about, is it any good. Do I have some good ideas? I will update this thread as I finish it.

[TheBigMachine]

The brackets are so out of place and make it feel like prose. While it's small, the imagery is actually not to bad, while I dont think you could put that to music to easily. The chorus is a little bland and generic however, with the same old rhetorical stuff. So ya. Good idea though.

[Madmatt]

change the last line in the chorus and edit the (too work) part and it should be good like 7/10

[Surf]

I'll do a proper crit later, but i'm pretty sure that the (to work) thing is designed to be an alternate lyric, rather than a part of the line. i.e. "he drags himself to work".

just a thought.

edit with bigger crit:

chorus seems fine, not much i can suggest other than the use of apostrophes (we're)

couple of problems with the verse. firstly, and this isn;t a criticism, more curiosity, how will the 7:00 am part besung? will it just be seven a m or will you pronounce the zeros? i think the line doesn;t sit well with the song, so maybe slim it down to something like 'at seven'; people will know you're talking about time, and it won't sound as odd. secondly, the last line is poor. not sure whether it the rhyming (forced) or the flow(not great - too long) but something seems off. and sorry for mentioning forced rhyming, i know you don't like that as a criticism.

but on the upside, the chorus is good, the idea is solid, and most of the lines are good. so with a bit of editing, this could become a good set of lyrics.

[El_Goodo]

Yeah he's right...(to work) is an alternate line, not part of it.

Haha and no I will not pronounce the 0's. Thanks for the comments.

And also that rhyming for the last two lines was not forced at all, if I was purposley trying to rhyme it would have ended up like

placed next to his reality,
he could not find a single similarity,

or something like that haha

[Surf]

hurrah, i'm right. in that case i suggest changing it to 'to work' (just one 'o' in to)as it keeps the lines shorter, and gives it more 'bounce'.

in terms of the 7:00 am thing, keep it as it is , i.e. "seven A M" works fine.

[El_Goodo]

I edited it a little, the things in italics are new.

[TheBigMachine]

Ah this time it's the word childhood after the "back to when he was ten years again" line or however it goes. The improvements youve made are great no doubt, but that word, "childhood" sticks out like a sore thumb in a crowd of fingers.

[RollerQueen]

Hey there. Sorry about our imbroglio and whatnot in my old song.

The carpe diem sentiment of the chorus is fair enough, but it doesn't bring anything new to the theme. As a chorus, as a focal point to be repeated, it's simple enough to work, but you could do more with it. For the verse, you leave an idea hanging, and that idea is centrifugal to making this piece a great deal better: the childhood dreams. Obviously, the man falls short of what the 10 year old had in mind, but how? It's short enough so that you can expand upon this without letting the piece become bloated. The last three lines work, but they'd be much better if there was a sort of back story, a reason for the man to be so downcast about his life.

It's all about the potential. Also, darn MX for constantly signing me off...

[El_Goodo]

Hey there. Sorry about our imbroglio and whatnot in my old song.

The carpe diem sentiment of the chorus is fair enough, but it doesn't bring anything new to the theme. As a chorus, as a focal point to be repeated, it's simple enough to work, but you could do more with it. For the verse, you leave an idea hanging, and that idea is centrifugal to making this piece a great deal better: the childhood dreams. Obviously, the man falls short of what the 10 year old had in mind, but how? It's short enough so that you can expand upon this without letting the piece become bloated. The last three lines work, but they'd be much better if there was a sort of back story, a reason for the man to be so downcast about his life.

It's all about the potential. Also, darn MX for constantly signing me off...

I totally understand what you mean, thanks for the crit, and I agree totally with the last part about MX haha.