Next pass

[Dugan]

I've been trying to work on becoming a better writer... Not sure if I have accomplished anything yet, but here's another try...

I added a chorus on (blue), after the fact. Still not sure if I like it or not.

Any crits would be appreciated.
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Everything’s so blurry
Can’t seem to walk straight
Love’s on my mind
Always
I’ll find a way to hate

Scenery
flying through my mind
Go blank and take the bait
I look to up the sky
I tempt the hand of fate

Walking through my life
Coming to the next pass,
Nerves dead
From the injures.
Will this end like
the last did?

Step to the challenge
Put it all up on the line
Pour my heart and soul in
For love
as its dying

Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Uncover the truth
In every circumstance
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Bruised and beaten
Repress how I feel
Reflect on my actions
I know in time
these wounds will heal

So keeping in step
On my toes ends
through the grass
Need to keep on going
And forget about the past stress

My throat is getting tight
It’s hard for me to breath
You’d think I’d walk away
repress what I need

But I step up to the plate
Put my sanity on the line
Bring my heart and mind back
from the dead
every time

Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Uncover the truth
In every circumstance
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

[BassInstinct]

keep on practicing the song and the right chorus will come :). you're the best person to write the chorus because you're the person who is most in touch with your own lyrics.
i always wanted to write my own songs. i bought a guitar with that idea in mind, but because i can't sing to save my life and my guitar skills are crap, it hasn't really got off the ground. i used to write a of poetry when i were younger and i love music, hence my need to want to write my own songs. i know that lyric writing is a completely different skill to poetry writing, though.
i like those lyrics. i think they're quite well written.

maybe someone can come up with a chorus if you let people know what the lyrics are about and the title of the song(is it called Next pass?).
it appears to me that the lyrics are about being afraid or unable to move on from a certain situation or stage in your life because of something thats happened thats preventing you from moving on, although i could be wrong.

btw i don't think i would have the chorus as the last verse. i think its always good to make the last line in the last verse hard hitting so that it leaves people thinking.

[Dugan]

Actually it was written with me thinking about walking through life looking for love. I did not want it to be sappy. I wanted it to be realistic. You keep trying. Walking from one person to the next, looking for the end to the search.

And as far as a title, I dont have one... I'm never any good at those. I always seem to want to use the first line as the title, which would have been "Everything's so blurry" But that didn't seem to fit.

[BassInstinct]

oh well, i got that one wrong didn't i? :D. its just what i read into it, thats all. i guess everyone will have their own interpretation.

as for the chorus, you could have something like:

and still i persue
my elusive holy grail
with all this devotion
i can only hope
not to find my destiny hollow

i've changed my mind about not having the last verse to be the chorus, because i think the chorus, in this case, suits being the last verse as its a summation.

you could title it "My Elusive Holy Grail"

[Dugan]

I love for people to interpet my lyrics differently... I try to write vague, but also be descriptive, so people can relate it to something in their life.

I am working on a chorus now. I will post when I finish.

I like the line "and still I persue." I think I will run off that.

I like the idea of the holy grail, but it seems as if it might take it in another direction.

oh well, i got that one wrong didn't i? :D. its just what i read into it, thats all. i guess everyone will have their own interpretation.

as for the chorus, you could have something like:

and still i persue
my elusive holy grail
with all this devotion
i can only hope
not to find my destiny hollow

i've changed my mind about not having the last verse to be the chorus, because i think the chorus, in this case, suits being the last verse as its a summation.

you could title it "My Elusive Holy Grail"

[Dugan]

Bump.

I will give a crit for a crit...

[BassInstinct]

Bump.

I will give a crit for a crit...
i would've thought that you would have worked on the chorus and rhrn presented what you've come up with.

i was say this: i think its good that you are expressing the theme of love in a non-sappy way. the thing about love themes is that it really does have to stand out in some way because the subject has been done a death. these days, i will only buy a cd that that predominantly covers the theme of love if, and only if, its ultra-original. i won't go anywhere near an album or song that has the ultra-hackneyed "i love you...i miss you......your eyes are like blah de blah..you hurt me so bad....." type lyrics that leave me rushing for the sickbowl. love lyrics are a poor choice because, as i said, the subject has been done a death.....so the lyrics really do have be original and non-sappy. threfore, i think its good that your lyrics hint at a love theme, but you haven't gone the way of the majority of sickbowl artists/songs. i think that when it comes to writing love themes, the more cryptic it is, the better.

[Dugan]

Ok... First draft of the chorus...

I tried to be creative with it, but felt like I was hitting a wall... I dunno. Lemme know what you think.

Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Uncover the truth
In every circumstance
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

[Leftovers]

Everything’s so blurry
I can’t seem to walk straight
Love’s on my mind
Always
I’ll find a way to hate

I like the whole idea but i maybe if you write "Love's always on my mind" it gives a better flow to the whole verse.

Don't quite catch the "I'll find a way to hate", you could complete the previous idea by saying "Love's always on my mind, Aswell as this constant hate" you hate the fact that you can't find love or something like that.


Scenery
flying through my mind
I go blank and take the bait
I look to up the sky
I tempt the hand of fate

My global feeling is that you repeat way too many times the "I", and that's unnecessary. You could say "Looking up to the sky" "Tempting the hand of fate"

I like the rhyming with the first verse, that's pretty nice.


Walking through my life
Coming to the next pass,
Nerves dead
From the injures.
Will this end like
the last did?

your trying to rhyme life with pass ? the "next step" fits better, and rhymes with "nerves dead".
I like the whole idea of love being hurtful, because it really is! You could keep the same structures, becasu if you read it out loud it doesn't have a pattern, and i'm not saying that it should, but it gives a better flow.

I step to the challenge
I put it all up on the line
I pour my heart and soul in
For love
as its dying

Like it, don't try not to repeat the "I" so much. You could give the idea of continuity, i mean if you write "I've been pouring my heart and soul, for a love that's now dying". But so far i really enjoy the whole idea, as you're really saying the truth.


Bruised and beaten
I Repress how I feel
I reflect on my actions
I know in time
these wounds will heal

love it, its great, just keep in mind the way you repeat "I"


So keeping in step
On my toes ends
through the grass
I need to keep on going
And forget about the past stress

don't quite catch it, and the flow is kinda of strange. just see what you can do.


My throat is getting tight
It’s hard for me to breath
You’d think I’d walk away
repress what I need

nice, like it... just look at the structure of all the verses...


But I step up to the plate
I Put my sanity on the line
Bring my heart and mind back
from the dead
every time

like the idea, don't follow the flow...


I like the idea, i'll give you a 7, because you're dealing with a big truth, and its kinda hard to write about it. Try to read the verses out loud and see if other thins fit better...

Hope i was of some help...

See ya!

[RollerQueen]

Black dot. I'll get to this tonight.

[Dugan]

Thanks for the crit Leftovers. If You have any, I will try to get to them.

I agree with you on the use of I. I originally did not have most of those in there, but I figured some might would like it better with them. Duely noted though.

There is a reason for the flow. I have been studying lyrics, and taking the crits from people on here.

As an example, lets take the first verse:

Everything's so blurry
Can't seem to walk straight
Love's on my mind
Always
I find a way to hate

The last part is structured that way to connect two opposite thoughts.

Love's on my mind, always
Always find a way to hate

So if you sing it:

Love's on my mind, always, I find a way to hate

It flows well... Atleast in my opinion. Same goes to the verses below. They are connecting or emphizing.

Let me know if I am off base here, but thats what I was trying to do.

I will modify my inital post, and put the version without the I's.

Also, look below for comments to your comments.

Everything’s so blurry
I can’t seem to walk straight
Love’s on my mind
Always
I’ll find a way to hate

I like the whole idea but i maybe if you write "Love's always on my mind" it gives a better flow to the whole verse.

Don't quite catch the "I'll find a way to hate", you could complete the previous idea by saying "Love's always on my mind, Aswell as this constant hate" you hate the fact that you can't find love or something like that.


Basically saying love always ends in hate.



Scenery
flying through my mind
I go blank and take the bait
I look to up the sky
I tempt the hand of fate

My global feeling is that you repeat way too many times the "I", and that's unnecessary. You could say "Looking up to the sky" "Tempting the hand of fate"

I like the rhyming with the first verse, that's pretty nice.


Walking through my life
Coming to the next pass,
Nerves dead
From the injures.
Will this end like
the last did?

your trying to rhyme life with pass ? the "next step" fits better, and rhymes with "nerves dead".
I like the whole idea of love being hurtful, because it really is! You could keep the same structures, becasu if you read it out loud it doesn't have a pattern, and i'm not saying that it should, but it gives a better flow.


Last rhymes with pass. Dead and did-just sound similar. I've gotten told many times on here to loosen my rhyming pattern.



I step to the challenge
I put it all up on the line
I pour my heart and soul in
For love
as its dying

Like it, don't try not to repeat the "I" so much. You could give the idea of continuity, i mean if you write "I've been pouring my heart and soul, for a love that's now dying". But so far i really enjoy the whole idea, as you're really saying the truth.


Bruised and beaten
I Repress how I feel
I reflect on my actions
I know in time
these wounds will heal

love it, its great, just keep in mind the way you repeat "I"


So keeping in step
On my toes ends
through the grass
I need to keep on going
And forget about the past stress

don't quite catch it, and the flow is kinda of strange. just see what you can do.


Not quite sure what I was doing here either, but it seems pretty cool to me... Basically just talking about stepping through different relationships... Step carefully, and dont relate it to past ones. Read it as I have broken the lines, and it flows pretty well.



My throat is getting tight
It’s hard for me to breath
You’d think I’d walk away
repress what I need

nice, like it... just look at the structure of all the verses...


But I step up to the plate
I Put my sanity on the line
Bring my heart and mind back
from the dead
every time

like the idea, don't follow the flow...


I like the idea, i'll give you a 7, because you're dealing with a big truth, and its kinda hard to write about it. Try to read the verses out loud and see if other thins fit better...

Hope i was of some help...

See ya!

Any crit is appreciated, and I always use all advice I receive. Please dont take me as ungreatful on the reply to your crit, Just trying to give insight from my point of view.

[sportsfan4427]

Bump.

I will give a crit for a crit...


Everything’s so blurry
Can’t seem to walk straight
Love’s on my mind
Always
I’ll find a way to hate

i change the 4rd and 5th line to "Always though/I seem to find hate or something like that the way you have is worded a bit funny

Scenery
flying through my mind
Go blank and take the bait
I look to up the sky
I tempt the hand of fate

i really like this part bait and fate is really nicely rhymed together nice job here

Walking through my life
Coming to the next pass,
Nerves dead
From the injures.
Will this end like
the last did?

i don't like the nerves dead from injuries part maybe have your nerves die from something else i can't think of anything else and the first line i think could be expressed a little better

Step to the challenge
Put it all up on the line
Pour my heart and soul in
For love
as its dying

I like this alot the last two lines are sweet


Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Seeking death? i'm a bit confused here


Uncover the truth
In every circumstance
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

i like the first 2 lines but again i don't really like the second half

Bruised and beaten
Repress how I feel
Reflect on my actions
I know in time
these wounds will heal

this is a good verse the rhyming is excellent

So keeping in step
On my toes ends
through the grass
Need to keep on going
And forget about the past stress

you could get rid of stress at the end it really messes up the flow and you'd still have u rhyme

My throat is getting tight
It’s hard for me to breath
You’d think I’d walk away
repress what I need

this is a little redundant sub in another word instead of repress


But I step up to the plate
Put my sanity on the line
Bring my heart and mind back
from the dead
every time

this is alright there's something wrong with it but i'm not sure what it is(sorry)

Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Uncover the truth
In every circumstance
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

[Dugan]

Still I persue
The end to this quest
Searching for life-
Seeking the end

Seeking death? i'm a bit confused here


Thanks for the crit.
I was pretty unsure about this myself. It was an after thought.

Its supposed to be the end of the search. Or to express that it is overwhelming.

End to the stress of it all... Not death.

[Leftovers]

you are absolutely right about the flow, i just realize that spanish lyrics are way to structured, thats one of the reason i write lyrics in english :D.

I've read the guide for better songwritters and there were many things i thought not good but thinking about it gave me a new perpective.

Now that you've explain the way yoo see it i undertand what i could not understand before...

i'm not even close to being a songwritter, much more bein a spanish-speaking person, but mi crit comes from how i feel about music so i apologise for the lack of knowledge :D

[Madmatt]

i like it 10/10 really like the first verse

Everything’s so blurry
Can’t seem to walk straight
Love’s on my mind
Always
I’ll find a way to hate

it really hits close to me
awesome

[RollerQueen]

Hoyo. Thanks for the quick comment on my piece. Not to nit-pick, but can you be a little more detailed the next time you comment on one of my pieces?

Alright... It's been said that if a piece doesn't make you want to continue reading within the first couple of stanzas, it's probably not going to by the end, and that's what I feel here. Let me back that up by saying I'm the vice president of my college's writing organization (until I graduate and freak out in May), and I go through 50-200 submissions each year in deciding what makes it into the annual publication, so I've seen my share.

My suggestion is that you go beyond just talking about the intrinsic problems in trying to find someone and make it personal, or make a story about it. For now, you have general statements that almost any adolescent/early-20's person can relate to, but it's not personal. In fact, in reading this, I thought of a Death Cab for Cutie song "Brothers on a Hotel Bed":

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
Cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
But these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below
Who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside
Someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident.

That's what this needs, a personality, specific details. As of now, it's too conversational, like something posted on a blog or a drunken rambling on being alone and unable to find someone. There's nothing wrong with that, but art goes beyond reactionary observations. Really, that's what's missing. Until then, this is just another piece about looking for someone.

Ah, well. I have high standards, so forgive me if I'm getting too into something if you're not that serious as a writer. Take care now.