Debonair dream

[pizzapizzapie]

Debonair dream

Cross the freeway with my segway, miss
Or give me my well-earned kiss
I’m not searching for eternal bliss
don’t want to hear your pointless hiss
think this is some kind of poetic chase
then it’s over, you’ve won the race
is it me, or her flirtatious face
I’m sure she knows when to play her ace

Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
Will I never come back?

Gently scarlet, yet a bit of blue,
Her sweet lips are hypnotic maroon,
Remind me of a children’s cartoon,
And we’re alone in this tiny room,
reverie of your velvet skin,
Would you please, caress my shin?
Took a turn to where the future’s been,
And now I lie with a blatant grin.

Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
the true perspective of time I lack,
want me to try to make you mine
----------
Ok. I've been playing with words in this one. Tell me if some words are way out of place.

[Dugan]

I am by no means a professional. So take my opinions lightly.

Debonair dream

Cross the freeway with my segway, miss
Or give me my well-earned kiss
I’m not searching for eternal bliss
don’t want to hear your pointless hiss
think this is some kind of poetic chase
then it’s over, you’ve won the race
is it me, or her flirtatious face
I’m sure she knows when to play her ace



I like the way it flows, tho the rhyme pattern is slightly repeative. But, I am just as bad when it comes to forced rhymes.

I think the last line could be better... Maybe just reword it? State it as she is playing the ace, or how how she uses it.

Debonair dream

Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
Will I never come back?

Gently scarlet, yet a bit of blue,
Her sweet lips are hypnotic maroon,
Remind me of a children’s cartoon,
And we’re alone in this tiny room,
reverie of your velvet skin,
Would you please, caress my shin?
Took a turn to where the future’s been,
And now I lie with a blatant grin.



This last verse almost made me laugh for some reason on "would you please caress my shin"

I would have probably described her there, or something, instead of conveying my desire to have my shin caressed.

Chin, thin, rear end, bend...

Debonair dream
Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
the true perspective of time I lack,
want me to try to make you mine
----------
Ok. I've been playing with words in this one. Tell me if some words are way out of place.

Overall, it has potential... Work over it a few times, and change the lines that seem forced.

[pizzapizzapie]

Thanks for the crit, I'll try to remove some of the forced rhymes, since some of them really are forced!

[sportsfan4427]

Cross the freeway with my segway, miss
Or give me my well-earned kiss
I’m not searching for eternal bliss
don’t want to hear your pointless hiss
think this is some kind of poetic chase
then it’s over, you’ve won the race
is it me, or her flirtatious face
I’m sure she knows when to play her ace

first off there are a lot of forced rhymes that aren't good, second though i like the ideas that you've got in each verse but they aren't connected very well

Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
Will I never come back?

Yellow Stop sign? good first and second line and the rhyming isn't great here but it's better

Gently scarlet, yet a bit of blue,
Her sweet lips are hypnotic maroon,
Remind me of a children’s cartoon,
And we’re alone in this tiny room,
reverie of your velvet skin,
Would you please, caress my shin?
Took a turn to where the future’s been,
And now I lie with a blatant grin.

this rhyming is the worst really forced i like the"Reverie of your velvet skin" the very well done

Lying on my back,
Song of distant wind chimes,
Completely lost my track,
Must’ve missed the yellow stop sign,
the true perspective of time I lack,
want me to try to make you mine

overall it's alright...LOTTA forced rhymes though

[pizzapizzapie]

Just figured the annoying AAAA BBBB AAAA BBBB rhyme pattern. It's up for a total make over! Thanks for the crit