Stalkers Of The Waters

[TheBigMachine]

Slack said it in the tips and questions thread..."Write a song about fishing".
So I did.
Boredom is good like that. Needs a better title, I know. Taking suggestions.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The water front, crystal clear with but a tinge of green,
Sunlight bounds of the surface throwing rainbows onto your eyes.
Upon the bow, I wait and watch the water,
As tranquil, as ever before.

Beneath the surface, the minute life fails to stir the dust,
But come closer to the top, where the streaks of silver,
Silent and stealthy, stalk through the pristine water-
The prey, I, the hunter.

Ripples run
Upon the surface
As the leaden weight pierces the glaze.
Sink quiclky, just below the feeding range.
And there...
Ominous, and haunting,
Silver and gently riding the currents
The fall,
Of those stalkers
Of the waters.

Fear not,
Baby daughter.
These creatures shall haunt your river,
No more.
I felt the pull,
Gentle and cautious
Wary of what might be to come.
How wise, these stalkers of,
Your waters,
Can be.

I feel another.
Far more bold and brave than the last.
Unseen, he takes off at speed.
And the creak,
Of the lines are heard.

Action!
I spring to my feet, reeling
In my prey
Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less horror in your river.

Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less
Horror, in your river!

One by one
I swear, Ill take them.
Sweet child, you have nothing
To fear, while I'm here.

So, just remember
When those beasts that frighten you so, draw near,
I am always by your side.

Twilight is here, my baby daughter
And it's time for you to rest.
Sleep easy, and do not dream,
Of those, silver stalkers.
No longer, will they live here.

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So the first two stanzas are gonna have some soft, low guitar notes going, and some really gentle ride cymbal in the background, pretty much spoken.

The rest is going to be pretty bluesy, but with more prog. metal riffage. Kind of Pain Of Salvation feel, methinks. Obviously, the climax of the song will be at "Action!", and there will be much cymbal work and all that jazz.

So yeah.

[pizzapizzapie]

I'm going for a haircut, then I'll dig into this.
Like the title though, It's quite... I don't know, unserious?

[pizzapizzapie]

The water front, crystal clear with but a tinge of green,
Sunlight bounds of the surface throwing rainbows onto your eyes.
Upon the bow, I wait and watch the water,
As tranquil, as ever before.
Perfect, dont know what to critique really. Wonderful beginning

Beneath the surface, the minute life fails to stir the dust,
But come closer to the top, where the streaks of silver,
Silent and stealthy, stalk through the pristine water-
The prey, I, the hunter.
This one's wonderful aswell. The 1st sentence is a bit unclear to me though.
2nd sentence might flow better and be more poetic if you removed the "but" and "come".

Ripples run
Upon the surface
As the leaden weight pierces the glaze.
Sink quiclky, just below the feeding range.
And there...
Ominous, and haunting,
Silver and gently riding the currents
The fall,
Of those stalkers
Of the waters.
First read of this and I think your flow is great.
At first the "ominous" line felt out of place, but after a while of thinking I find it so true. Great line!
The double use of "Of" is unnecessary. Remove the first "of" or come up with something imo.


Fear not,
Baby daughter.
These creatures shall haunt your river,
No more.
I felt the pull,
Gentle and cautious
Wary of what might be to come.
How wise, these stalkers of,
Your waters,
Can be.
Wonderful. Lovely. Excellent.


I feel another.
Far more bold and brave than the last.
Unseen, he takes off at speed.
And the creak,
Of the lines are heard.

This brilliant aswell.
But "the lines", shouldn't that be singular?

Action!
I spring to my feet, reeling
In my prey
Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less horror in your river.
I'm amazed. The "fear not baby daugther" use is perfect.
Reeling in my prey... this is blatant. Try adding some adjectives or something.


Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less
Horror, in your river!
Great!


One by one
I swear, Ill take them.
Sweet child, you have nothing
To fear, while I'm here.
To much "I'll do anything for you child" now imo. This line could be changed to his fight against the fish or something.

So, just remember
When those beasts that frighten you so, draw near,
I am always by your side.
As above, if you dont change it.


Twilight is here, my baby daughter
And it's time for you to rest.
Sleep easy, and do not dream,
Of those, silver stalkers.
No longer, will they live here.
Great ending.

OVERALL you repeat the baby daugther way to much, and that there will be no more monsters in the river bla bla. I got bored.
Change one or two of the verses and it'll be far more interesting. The 1st half is wonderful, one of the better I've read actually! I love the topic!

Easily 8/10, change some verses and I'd give you 10/10 without a doubt.

For the title. Boredom's taken overhand, or something xD. Cheers!

[slack]

Haha man I was only being facetious, but this is cool. I'll get back to it. :)

[pizzapizzapie]

Hehe :thumb: I find critting others song quite inspiring so I take every chance I get!

[TheBigMachine]

bumpage

[Madmatt]

One by one
I swear, Ill take them.
Sweet child, you have nothing
To fear, while I'm here.

a lil clich on the last line but it works


and for the name why not call it "the day i killed the beast"
or "the waters edge"

i dont know something like that
i give it like a 9/10

[JCWash22]

Shorten it a little.

Other than that, very very good. 9/10.

[TojesDolan]

Thanks deeply for your critique. It's good to see new people with good things to offer. :)

The water front, crystal clear with but a tinge of green,
Sunlight bounds of the surface throwing rainbows onto your eyes.
Upon the bow, I wait and watch the water,
As tranquil, as ever before.

Through the first overall read, I didn't really dig the more prosey vibe throughout the lyric/poem/song, but I decided to make an objective point of view, I guess. The first verse is a good scene setter, I liked what you did there. I just feel "crystal clear...etc" is a bit too much information.

Beneath the surface, the minute life fails to stir the dust,
But come closer to the top, where the streaks of silver,
Silent and stealthy, stalk through the pristine water-
The prey, I, the hunter.

Very good. No complains here.

Ripples run
Upon the surface
As the leaden weight pierces the glaze.
Sink quiclky, just below the feeding range.
And there...
Ominous, and haunting,
Silver and gently riding the currents
The fall,
Of those stalkers
Of the waters.

;) Bold part. Anyway, the last part has a really strange flow to it. But yeah it's fine, I guess.

Fear not,
Baby daughter.
These creatures shall haunt your river,
No more.
I felt the pull,
Gentle and cautious
Wary of what might be to come.
How wise, these stalkers of,
Your waters,
Can be.

An excess of commas here man, that can either hinder or make reading more difficult ,being the only way of knowing how it will flow exactly.

I feel another.
Far more bold and brave than the last.
Unseen, he takes off at speed.
And the creak,
Of the lines are heard.


Eh, it's picking up (story-wise), but by this time attention could have gone elsewhere.

Action!
I spring to my feet, reeling
In my prey
Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less horror in your river.

Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less
Horror, in your river!

I enjoy the repeat, gives it a better vibe. This is the climax, I suppose. The attention focus is right where it should be.

One by one
I swear, Ill take them.
Sweet child, you have nothing
To fear, while I'm here.

So, just remember
When those beasts that frighten you so, draw near,
I am always by your side.

Twilight is here, my baby daughter
And it's time for you to rest.
Sleep easy, and do not dream,
Of those, silver stalkers.
No longer, will they live here.

After I read it overall, I think it's a good piece. It tells a good story with a great intention and pretty much well-driven, the use of vocabulary and all the other elements out there are right-on-queue, but at certain points it drags on, mostly because there's nothing really going on in the scene. This would work better if left as pure prose, besides it'd have a better development overall. It begins pertty strong and ends marvelously, it's the middle part that just slows this down like crazy.

Hope this helps somehow.

[TheBigMachine]

Why thankee. Yeah, most people have said that the middle bit is a little slow, so Ill see what I can do there...
And Im not new, per se, Im the old Mitch2oo6 but my old account died, so yeah...Thanks again.

[slack]

The first three stanzas are clearly the best, but they also seem very empty to me because it's just imagery. The majority of this piece is in the first person, which is to say it's coming from someone's personal point of view, and that is exactly why the first three stanzas feel so hollow. They're written as if the point of view is third person omniscient, i.e., lots of details, little interpretation. What it needs is more bias. You need to put personality into these details, establish some kind of inner dialogue, some thought process.

What do these details mean to the speaker?I feel another.
Far more bold and brave than the last.
Unseen, he takes off at speed.
And the creak,
Of the lines are heard.

Action!
I spring to my feet, reeling
In my prey
Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less horror in your river.These stanzas sound too much like a play-by-play. I suggest you get rid of them. Nice sound between not and daughter; still not sure about the overall phrase, however. Sounds very lofty. In my head I hear it being sung by some cheesy stuck-in-the-80's vocalist, just belting out those lines.

Fear not!
Baby daughter,
This is one less horror in your river!

Yeah. Spandex. You dig?

Anyway, this is an interesting take on the subject. I like the title; good idea, good phrase. As I said before, there is a disparity between the first three stanzas and the rest of the poem. I think that's a big enough criticism for now. If you revise, be sure to post it and we can continue from there. :)

[TheBigMachine]

Thankee. Well revision could take a little while cause Im busy, but Ill be sure to do it, and I will post when finished. Thanks again.