begone! my vile voices..

[cure_for_cancer17]

why does eveything, reflect around the constant battles.
an issue i deem overrated is war and conflict, battles and battles.
lsd seems like a rival, do not take or you may see!
can you remember the last time you were free?

it seems that illusion has us down, tempted from all sides
to become the enemy, kissing whores and buying the death of the sky
why do i bother to try, if it makes no difference.
100,000 never matters, only scatters our emotions further apart.
i feel that we should make a start but
it breaks my heart to hear it from your lips
all my friends want to get in those hips.

a sunny sunshine afternoon in any month
except everytime i check.
no one ever dares to think, and now to think is to dare.

i feel like i lost something huge
consoled in heady herbs, i'm subdued
is it an issue with you if i don't think i care
about what they hear or want to wear..

spare me a gift, advice on the highest level
can we contemplate a different sun
so many are already rebels.

sometimes i feel i can't romance
head too busy with circumstance
and nothing i see ever helps me breathe
more easily.
..our fate is not a criminal
it contains whatever will become
dipsh*ts and do-gooders
all are under the same sun.



just posted it in full, there WILL be stuff in here a lot of people hate, but that's where we all help each other, can i get a hell yeah?

and also while i'm here, i know i haven't been critting much since my return the other day, but this is because i'd much rather be in the mood than just do it for the sake.. unlike writing songs/lyrics :rolleyes:

[pizzapizzapie]

just posted it in full, there WILL be stuff in here a lot of people hate, but that's where we all help each other, can i get a hell yeah?

and also while i'm here, i know i haven't been critting much since my return the other day, but this is because i'd much rather be in the mood than just do it for the sake.. unlike writing songs/lyrics :rolleyes:

You could always rate my song when you're in the mood *totally over-serious face*

Hell yea!

why does eveything, reflect around the constant battles.
an issue i deem overrated is war and conflict, battles and battles.
lsd seems like a rival, do not take or you may see!
can you remember the last time you were free?
I like the 1st line, and the beginning of the 2nd. "Battles and battles" seem very forced, but could be cool with the right music.
Tbh I dont understand the 3rd one at all, LSD and rival dont fit imo.
Last line's ok

it seems that illusion has us down, tempted from all sides
to become the enemy, kissing whores and buying the death of the sky
why do i bother to try, if it makes no difference.
100,000 never matters, only scatters our emotions further apart.
i feel that we should make a start but
it breaks my heart to hear it from your lips
all my friends want to get in those hips.
Okey, shorten, shorten, shorten! You dont need the "it" for instance, and some of the "and", "to", "it's", "I", "the" etc just make the lines unflow and disturbing to sing/read.
Otherwise I like the meaning of this verse. Chaotic.
"Get in those hips" seem strange though, touch seem more logical.

a sunny sunshine afternoon in any month
except everytime i check.
no one ever dares to think, and now to think is to dare.
Same again, shorten it. Imagery's good but double using of dare and sun makes it strange. I don't understand it really, it's to chaotic for my brain! It seem to me it ain't got no special meaning.

i feel like i lost something huge
consoled in heady herbs, i'm subdued
is it an issue with you if i don't think i care
about what they hear or want to wear..
First to lines need's to be shortened, otherwise I thumb 'em up.
Same with the other two.

spare me a gift, advice on the highest level
can we contemplate a different sun
so many are already rebels.

This doesn't make any sense to me. Rebels seem like a forced rhyme, 1st and 2nd line are great. I would call the 1st line controlled chaos. I love that!

sometimes i feel i can't romance
head too busy with circumstance
and nothing i see ever helps me breathe
more easily.
..our fate is not a criminal
it contains whatever will become
dipsh*ts and do-gooders
all are under the same sun.
Shorten and add some words imo.
Be more direct. Circumstance? Romance? Seem odd, even though I like the lines, they don't really fit together.
3rd's lines good.
4th ruins the flow but fit with the 3rd! Add some words maybe.
Dip****s and do-gooders. Consider a wordchange. Last line's good!

OVERALL I would like you to remove the useless, meaningless, pointless "smallwords", like "I", "and", "but" etc. They totally ruin the flow. Remove pickup/filler lines and make the flow better.
What I really like is your chaotic writing. Add the write music, and BINGO you're a marvelous songwriter! Sharpen this song, make it keen. And I will lean (I had to rhyme)!

5/10, since this is a work in progress.

[cure_for_cancer17]

haha thanks again buddy:thumb: i like your reviews. the thing is i get the feeling this is gonna start taking up all my time, which isn't a bad thing, but it's like Argh gotta make that song better for them guys, and to be honest it all makes sense to me but then i wrote it.. so basically from the first few days here i've discovered i'm a chaotic writer with good imagery (which i wasn't aiming for) and i have too many smallwords. hehe this is good sh*t, i think i might be a regular round here.. i need to learn to crit though.

[pizzapizzapie]

No problem ;>
I know the feeling. You're writing what you think, but then to many words come out. Try to read it through once or twice, being really poetic and it'll help alot.
It takes time. I love time!

[cure_for_cancer17]

Version 2.0

Why does eveything, reflect around the constant battles.
War and conflict overrated, masochist just herd your cattle.
Depleting bag of lsd, do not take or you may see.
Truth evolved through memory, gliding of the sheltered quay.


It seems that illusion has us down, tempted from all sides
To become the enemy, kissing whores and buying the death of the sky
Why do i struggle to create when most will not even cry.
100,000 matters left, scatters emotion apart.
I feel that we should make a start but it
Breaks my heart to hear it from your lips
All my friends want to get in those hips.

A sunny sunshine afternoon in any month
Except everytime i'm there.
No one ever dares to think, and now
To think is to dare.

I feel like i lost something huge
Consoled in heady herbs, i'm subdued.
Lose sight of this nightmare or give it your all
And deathly quiet, the music shall fall.


Spare me a gift, advice on the highest level
Can we contemplate a different sun
So many are already rebels.
The day comes, i can't romance with you
Circumstance is a trap door too.

Breathe
More easily.
..Our fate is not a criminal
It contains whatever will become.
Dipsh*ts and do-gooders, all are under the same sun.

:naughty: um, i could use a hand, this can still be better, i know it. or is it just down to me now?

[cure_for_cancer17]

hey it's been redone.. anyone care for a word or two :confused: