S.o.o

[pizzapizzapie]

Story of obliteration - S.O.O

Verse 1
Someone’s covering all the bases,
I can see them, pale faces,
What we call our most elementary need,
lost in others’ useless greed,

Verse 2
Everyone’s shred some blood,
It’s by time we understood,
Many years will come and elapse,
Common dreams exist to collapse,

Verse 3
Lost without a single trace,
Futile work for subjective space,
Live to love our Norma Jean,
We have things seldom seen,
Bright minds keep us smart n’ keen

Chorus
Coming closer, day by day,
You sordid lies, rest in peace,
Came to learn, then the tide took a turn
Break the pattern, S.O.O.

Verse 4
The search for mankinds final treat,
Gadgets built on a deserted street
Evergreen desire to break free,
what we know is what we see,

Verse 5
Haha, coming down and fast,
No one’s first and no one’s last,
a final eruption of the mind,
Desperate to save it’s kind,

Chorus
Fast and hard, no meaning at all,
exist one minute, then way out the limit,
Came to learn, then the tide took a turn
Break the pattern, S.O.O.
---------
I played with Guitar Pro one day, came up with a cool groove and wanted some lyrics. So, what do you think?

[Bass 5]

well can you tab out the gutair part in a post, you like norma jean? you might wanna check out my add in the classifids under east coast

[pizzapizzapie]

Ehm, I'm new on these forums, how do I attach the tabfile?
Who doesn't like Norma Jean? Ah, beauty *swept away*

[cure_for_cancer17]

****, just spent half an hour doing a crit, and the bastard thing says i'm not signed in. expect it in the morning ;)

[pizzapizzapie]

*backstabbing forum bugs*
*forum bugs doges*
*forum bugs gain rampage*
*forum bugs crit you for 4315 damage*
*you die*

That's happened to me aswell :mad:

[cure_for_cancer17]

i'll crit one verse after another etc, as i go.

Verse 1
"Someone’s covering all the bases,
I can see them, pale faces,
What we call our most elementary need,
lost in others’ useless greed," - i love the opening two lines. though obvious, the rhyming doesn't seem forced, which is always nice. it's saying (to me) that we know we're f*cked and can see them f*cking us, but doing nothing about it. a good opening verse!

Verse 2
"Everyone’s shred some blood,
It’s by time we understood,
Many years will come and elapse,
Common dreams exist to collapse," - i guess you mean 'shed' and 'about' in the first 2 (?) and maybe the rhyming's not as good as in the 1st verse. nothing generally wrong with this, though.

Verse 3
"Lost without a single trace,
Futile work for subjective space,
Live to love our Norma Jean,
We have things (they've) seldom seen,
Bright minds keep us smart n’ keen" - i'd remove 'single' from the 1st line, the 2nd is very good, and i added it in in brackets what else i'd change. Also, the use of 'keen' was well done, i was expecting 'clean'.

Chorus
"Coming closer, day by day,
You sordid lies, rest in peace,
Came to learn, then the tide took a turn
Break the pattern, S.O.O." - this is a bit confusing, 1st 2 lines especially. the use of 'peace' seems unnecessary. But i really like the last 2, especially if the 's.o.o.' bit was/is actually sung 'start of obliteration' then it would go well.

Verse 4
"The search for mankinds final treat,
Gadgets built on a deserted street
Evergreen desire to break free,
what we know is what we see," - i like the imagery here more than anything else so far. gadgets, deserted, and evergreen are all good words. i also think the contrast between 'deserted streets' and an 'evergreen desire' was really well done.

Verse 5
"Haha, coming down and fast,
No one’s first and no one’s last,
a final eruption of the mind,
Desperate to save it’s kind," - the middle 2 lines sit best in this verse, the 1st and last could do with a shuffle, i'm sure you'll think of something. Maybe add 'own' before 'kind'.

Chorus
"Fast and hard, no meaning at all,
exist one minute, then way out the limit,
Came to learn, then the tide took a turn
Break the pattern, S.O.O." this is a much better chorus than the 1st one! nothing wrong, only again i hope you don't sing/say it 'ESS -OH -OH'

overall it reminds me of stuff i've written, similar topics. 7/10 more work wouldn't be a waste of time!

[pizzapizzapie]

I've totally re-worked the song now XD
Many thanks for the review (I wasn't aware of my spelling mistakes)!

[cure_for_cancer17]

awesome. when i wake up, 'vile voices..' and 'fine-tuned power' will be reworked. many thanks to you also :chug: