Fine-tuned Power

[cure_for_cancer17]

Please take care when in command
We don’t want to ruin this land
Making bombs and joining hands
All that we’ve wanted we have taken

Speaking fine words to the flowers
Turning steeples into watchtowers
Guard them with the guns and hours
What’s the point in continually breaking

Down the door you never knocked upon
The smell it filters down through the long
And dusty village to your desert door
but your nose is blocked and you can't see no more.

It comes and they don’t notice, do not make a sound
We only just got here, but these have been around
And for sure, it’s not as bad as things they seen before
Hurt people clasping at the ladder on the wall.

All the remorse has shocked me so numb
Standing just watching an elegant slum
With sleepers, dreamers, bigwigs and bums,
It’s time for naked apocalypse

So the tanks they stroll in, take one look and “fire!”
Your mother’s just broken right down to the wire
But there is no complaint, they’re doing us good
Using our homes as rocket fire-wood.

By now the end has not even begun
A family is drowning from mother to son
A meteor falls on the bland desert plain
killing one, killing all who oppose the game.

From the robust dirt leader
To the cowardly thief
I want to show them what they need to keep
It involves all the harm, but to keep it from mind
They need to know we can all heal the blind

Please take care when in command
We don’t want to keep this land
Made our bombs, now our hands are tied
We cut the rope and then laugh as they cry.
Speaking fine words to the flowers
Turned the churches into watchtowers.


i know this can be improved so, please leave some remarks and whatnot. :chug:

[pizzapizzapie]

Please take care when in command
We don’t want to ruin this land
Making bombs and joining hands
All that we’ve wanted we have taken
1st line doesn't go along with the other 3, the flow is strange.
I like the rhyme! Try to change the 4th line though, it's to long. "We've take nwhat we've wanted" for example, to help the flow.

Speaking fine words to the flowers
Turning steeples into watchtowers
Guard them with the guns and hours
What’s the point in continually breaking
The first thing I notice is the changed rhyme pattern here, but it still flows.
The last line seem out of place though.

So far, I like your imagery. But the rhyming seem forced.

Down the door you never knocked upon
The smell it filters down through the long
And dusty village to your desert door
but your nose is blocked and you can't see no more.
"But", "You", "your", "and" and "the" are words that you can remove, i.e "Down the door never knocked upon" sounds great. The small words ruin the flow and imagery(not always though)! The 2 last lines seem as pickup lines.
Otherwise it's good.

It comes and they don’t notice, do not make a sound
We only just got here, but these have been around
And for sure, it’s not as bad as things they seen before
Hurt people clasping at the ladder on the wall.
Consider shorten it a bit, removing the small words. What's the "only" doing in the 2nd line?!The grammar is quite out of place, I have trouble reading the two first lines. Besides that, It's really good.

All the remorse has shocked me so numb
Standing just watching an elegant slum
With sleepers, dreamers, bigwigs and bums,
It’s time for naked apocalypse
Really good verse! Shorten it and make the last line flow a bit more.

So the tanks they stroll in, take one look and “fire!”
Your mother’s just broken right down to the wire
But there is no complaint, they’re doing us good
Using our homes as rocket fire-wood.
Again, shorten it. The 2nd line seem as a forced rhyme line.
I guess you mean rocket-fire wood, or remove the "-". I like the idea though!

By now the end has not even begun
A family is drowning from mother to son
A meteor falls on the bland desert plain
killing one, killing all who oppose the game.
To many small words again. Otherwise I like it, as it give me a quite chaotic imagery!

From the robust dirt leader
To the cowardly thief
I want to show them what they need to keep
It involves all the harm, but to keep it from mind
They need to know we can all heal the blind
Best rhyme so far, even though you have to shorten it. Good imagery aswell.

OVERALL
Ok, you really REALLY have to shorten the verses, by shorten I mean remove the "small words" like and, I, but, to etc. Some of them are just worthless. Don't remove the imagery words. I really like your imagery.
Secondly I think there's quite alot pickup/forced rhyme lines. Consider chancing som of them.

5/10, since this is a work in progress

[sportsfan4427]

Please take care when in command
We don’t want to ruin this land
Making bombs and joining hands
All that we’ve wanted we have taken

i'm liking some of the lines here the rhyming is not very good and another thing with political songs you really have to try harder and make them somewhat unique and i'm not sure if you did that here

Speaking fine words to the flowers
Turning steeples into watchtowers
Guard them with the guns and hours
What’s the point in continually breaking

first to lines i love...the third line however is really forced

Down the door you never knocked upon
The smell it filters down through the long
And dusty village to your desert door
but your nose is blocked and you can't see no more.

this is nice nothing really wrong maybe instead of 'but you nose is block and you can see no more...changed see to smell or nose to eyes because obviously a nose seeing makes no sense

It comes and they don’t notice, do not make a sound
We only just got here, but these have been around
And for sure, it’s not as bad as things they seen before
Hurt people clasping at the ladder on the wall.

this is good but the first line has no flow to it at all and then in the second line you go from They to We that's a bit confusing

All the remorse has shocked me so numb
Standing just watching an elegant slum
With sleepers, dreamers, bigwigs and bums,
It’s time for naked apocalypse

that's perfect make everything like this love every line...best so far

So the tanks they stroll in, take one look and “fire!”
Your mother’s just broken right down to the wire
But there is no complaint, they’re doing us good
Using our homes as rocket fire-wood.

he rhyming here again is not very good this is probably the worst stanza in the song...luckily it's right after the best one

By now the end has not even begun
A family is drowning from mother to son
A meteor falls on the bland desert plain
killing one, killing all who oppose the game.

not bad at all really like the 2nd and 3rd line the first line is a tad unorginal

From the robust dirt leader
To the cowardly thief
I want to show them what they need to keep
It involves all the harm, but to keep it from mind
They need to know we can all heal the blind

this very good it up there with that other good stanza the ideas are good and it bring some orginality to a political song

.Please take care when in command
We don’t want to keep this land
Made our bombs, now our hands are tied
We cut the rope and then laugh as they cry.
Speaking fine words to the flowers
Turned the churches into watchtowers

decent enough ending

Overall
i'd give this a 6/10 it's song that has a few good verses and a few boring ones. it maybe too long too, i'd maybe get rid of some of the verses with lesser quality. but i do think this could be really good once you're completely done

[cure_for_cancer17]

cool cheers i'll work on it

[TheBigMachine]

The verses that you think arent as good, and dont contribute to the song, get rid of. Then I will come back for you.