I just found this on my computer...

[Malice]

...and I wanted to ask you guys if you agree when I say that I was ****ed in the head when I wrote this;

I’d set myself alight for you.
I’d swallow acid if it made you smile.
I’d crawl over broken glass to get to you.
I’d disembowel myself to see you happy.

I’d hack off my limbs if it made you laugh.
I’d create chaos just to calm you down.
I’d jump into a razor pit to stop those tears.
I’d bleed to death if it intoxicated you.

If it stopped you from hitting me, I’d murder a hundred people.
If it stopped you from hitting yourself, I’d paint the walls red.
Red with my blood, our blood rich with love.
Rich with a love you only find once.
Love between you and me,
Love only we can see.
I’d keep you jealously to myself.
Just to see that smile.

Your words are like knives to my ears.
Sharp and sincere, unstoppable and chemical.
Chemical like the reaction caused by your appetite.
So c’mon; crush me baby. I‘m all ears.
SCREAM AT ME! SCREAM UNTIL YOU THROAT BLEEDS!
You bet I’m scared as hell but…
I BLAME YOU! NOW I BLAME YOU!

If it stopped you from hitting me, I’d massacre a whole town.
If it stopped you from hitting yourself, I’d paint the walls black.
Black with my hate, our hate for this design.
A design specific for us, the rape of my mind.
I’m drowning, no one can save me now.
I love you in a way so unnatural.
I’d shower a preschool with arsenic.
Just to see that smile.

Now smile.


I do admit I like the last 3 lines, but man I was messed up!

[takes2tokill]

angsty arent we... though i like the way the words "unstoppable" and "chemical" sound 2gether. lol.

but, this is kinda how i feel about sum1 right now, even though its kinda disturbing, sum1 came 2 mind while i was reading over this...

=/

[Malice]

I wrote that like 5 years ago.

[TheBigMachine]

One of the more dark angst songs. Yes, you were ****ed up. Also cliche.

[cure_for_cancer17]

Aw man.. i'm agreeing with takes2, i think everyone has someone they feel this way about.

"rich with a love you only find once" - I think is one of the key lines, it makes it clear you're not just a psycho/stalker.

The only thing i'm not sure if i like is the way you hop from one thing to another,
"If it stopped you from hitting yourself, I’d paint the walls red.
Red with my blood, our blood rich with love.
Rich with a love you only find once.
Love between you and me" - As in, mentioning red in the first line, then explaining what it's like, then onto blood, then love. It does actually work quite well i just don't think i'd use this technique much. A very dark, but somehow positive, read.

[Malice]

Awesome. Thanks!

[Dinosawesome]

"I’d shower a preschool with arsenic.
Just to see that smile."

:lol:

Pure. Genius.

[kevbud187]

Black with my hate, our hate for this design.
A design specific for us, the rape of my mind.

I <3 skull raping as well. lol. You obviously hate/love whomever this was written for. I dunno I kinda like it. lol

[FA]

Post a piece you're proud of or want critiquing for, don't post something you might not think the community will like and pass it off as some piece of trash you're pretending you wrote a while ago. If it's a piece you just wrote and want someone to comment fully on, just say so man, otherwise the comments being posted are basically pointless.....

[El_Goodo]

Sounds like it belongs on that terrible new band Blue October's single.

[Minos]

I don't think angsty is quite the word. Masochistic works a bit better. Why is it that people feel become inspired after a tragedy? Inspiration doesn't make something well-written. To prove the point:

You used "I'd" in almost (not quite) 50% of the song's lines.

The word "you" was used 20 times. There are only 32 lines in your song.

The construction is simple.
"I'd [do something ****ed up] if [a phrase expressing her happiness]"
"I'd **** a goat if makes you chuckle."

To improve upon this, make the two things tie into each other.
ex. "I'd drain the veins if it'd help quench your thirst."
Then, there is a reason for the madness. Still, it's an overdone topic.

If you weren't looking for a crit, too bad. Post here, it's what you get.

[Malice]

Post a piece you're proud of or want critiquing for, don't post something you might not think the community will like and pass it off as some piece of trash you're pretending you wrote a while ago. If it's a piece you just wrote and want someone to comment fully on, just say so man, otherwise the comments being posted are basically pointless.....
1) I was 12 when I wrote this and mentally ill.
2) I am proud of this, and I do want critiquing for it.
3) I am not posting this as something the community won't like and pass off as some piece of trash;
4) I'll say it again, I did write this.
5) Of course I want comments on it; this is a songwriting/lyrics board, isn't it?

[Mared]

"I’d create chaos just to calm you down" - I love that line
Anyway.. I like this, even if most of the lines are way too cliché. I recognize many of my own feelings in it.
And if you wrote this when you were 12, wow. That's some strong words coming from a 12 year old.

[El_Goodo]

1) I was 12 when I wrote this and mentally ill.
2) I am proud of this, and I do want critiquing for it.
3) I am not posting this as something the community won't like and pass off as some piece of trash;
4) I'll say it again, I did write this.
5) Of course I want comments on it; this is a songwriting/lyrics board, isn't it?

The only thing you asked for in this thread was if we agree you were ****ed in the head when you wrote it. And I think we all agree...and you seem proud of it.

[i am the robots]

That song was kind of bland, yes, but it was at least true to some meaning.... a tad repetative.