Tonights Lovely Nightmare

[takes2tokill]

Well Im more of a guitar player, so im not to good at writting, but heres one of my feeble attempts. i wrote it kinda fast, and i was just wondering if its any good. crits please?


Tonights Lovely Nightmare

V1
Pressed against your lips, I'm up against the wall,
And we're both standing in a now ficticious hall.
I place my hands around your hips,
Feelings reach tremendous heights,
This is a moment i've long invisioned,
I think we both just might
Be in for a wonderful time tonight.

V2
Im sliding down the wall, lower, lower,
Sinking farther our wieght sounds against the floor
I'll wrap my arms around your neck, breathing out to perfect rhyme,
How does it feel to be on the receiving end this time?

CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy this lust.
Wrapping your throat in precious revenge,
The back of your neck has never tasted so nice.

V3
My arms unfold, I touch your throat,
Both hands close, like a tightening rope.
Now you see, this is no ordinary love scene,
I know you thought you'd get what you want
Well guess again, you were wrong,
Once again you've urged my thougts of you along,
And this time its got you right where I want you.

(Chorus)

To know your wrong must be tough,
But how much worse to think you're right?

[pizzapizzapie]

Tonights Lovely Nightmare
I like the title, makes me hopefull!

V1
Pressed against my lips, I'm up against the wall,
My hands around your hips standing in a now ficticious hall.
Holding tight, feelings reaching tremendous heights,
I think we both just might
Be in for a wonderful time tonight.

Woah! Really nice verse!
I love the rhymes and imagery, great first verse

V2
Sinking lower our wieght sounds against the floor
Sitting right, I have you up against the door
I'll wrap my arms around your neck
How does it feel to be on the receiving end this time?
Dirty :naughty: I like this one aswell. Don't really understand "weight sounds against the floor" but it makes it flow wonderfully, and the last line will work as some kind of bridge I suppose. Great second verse!

CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy this lust.
Wrap your throat in precious revenge,
The back of your neck has never tasted so nice.

The first I notice here is that you break your pattern of wonderful rhyming. Why? Otherwise it's great, you understand (hopefully i'm not mistaking now) he's a vampire and it kinda explains the dirty verses (and the title).

V3
My arms unfold, I touch your throat,
Both hands close, like a tightening rope.
Now you see, this is no ordinary love scene,
You thought tonight you were in for a wonderful delight,
Well guess again, you were wrong.
Once again you've urged my angsty thougts along,
And look where its landed you, right where you belong.
You've added two lines here. And they dont rhyme! That's a music issue, but when I read it, I dont feel the same flow as you had in the first 2 verses.
Otherwise this is just as great as the first 2, I love your flow and imagery!

(CHORUS)

To know your wrong must be tough,
But to think your right must be worse.
True :/ Good ending

OVERALL
Great flow, great rhyming, I can't find any fillers or pickup lines and the chorus put everything in place! Very, very good work. The only thing that bothers me is the rhyme-pattern-break thingie in the 3rd verse and chorus.

9/10

[Surf]

four words for now; (i might have a proper look later)

Eric Clapton 'Wonderful Tonight'

listen to it, then look at the last line of your first verse. that is all for now

[Minos]

...I'll crit tomorrow, I need some sleep. But don't rewrite one line because of a similarity. That would be stupid.

[TheBigMachine]

four words for now; (i might have a proper look later)

Eric Clapton 'Wonderful Tonight'

listen to it, then look at the last line of your first verse. that is all for now

How many other lines like that could there be?
Silly comment.

Dotted.

[takes2tokill]

ok i looked up eric clapton lyrics, theres a little resemblence in one line, ur right, but iv never even heard of eric clapton, and i probly wouldnt like his music either...
so im gonna listen to minos and not change it, i wouldnt do that unless the line was exactly the same, and its not.

I made a few other tiny changes though, just cause i thought it sounded better, and to help the flow some in verse to i added to line 3, though im not sure if it worked...

[PECOAE]

I like it, but if you keep it consistent, it may flow better.

I love the story type thing - I could imagine this as a slow-moving verse with breaks between of fast guitar rock while the verses have some kind of riff.

[i am the robots]

four words for now; (i might have a proper look later)

Eric Clapton 'Wonderful Tonight'

listen to it, then look at the last line of your first verse. that is all for now

I'd like to add, look at the first line, and look up Underoath 'Reinventing Your Exit' too...

[takes2tokill]

I'd like to add, look at the first line, and look up Underoath 'Reinventing Your Exit' too...

Damn ur right, u mean "this is the way i would have done things, up against the wall, up against the wall"

i guess i have 2 many ideas in my head from music i already listen to. =[
...xcept the whole Eric Clapton thing.... who the h.ell is he..


I like it, but if you keep it consistent, it may flow better.

I love the story type thing - I could imagine this as a slow-moving verse with breaks between of fast guitar rock while the verses have some kind of riff.

yes brilliant =) its meant to be a kind of rock anyways.

[Surf]

i know, it was a silly comment. i wasn't suggesting a rewrite, just reminded me of the really cheesy line (anyway have you really not heard of eric clapton? he's one of the most famous guitarists in the world).
but a real crit to make up for the wasted space in the thread i've caused.


Tonight's Lovely Nightmare

the title's ok, nothing special; on one hand, it does capture the mood of the piece, but on the other, it doesn't grasp people's (or at least my) attention.

Pressed against my lips, I'm up against the wall,
My hands around your hips standing in a now ficticious hall.
Holding tight, feelings reaching tremendous heights,
I think we both just might
Be in for a wonderful time tonight.

the first two lines have too much rhyming going on. the internal rhyme between the two lines could be dropped, just to remove the forced fel and to give the song a better flow. rather than 'hands on hips, try a metaphor,or at least an image less clinical the hands on hips, which gives nothing but the bare facts to the listener. now fictious hall does have a great flow to it either. try rewriting the phrase focusing on the shadows of the hall; linking the atmosphere of the song to the imaginary/false state of the hall. despite earlier posts by myself, don;t change the last three lines, they're good; much better flow and the line break adds interest. one qualm. is 'holding tight' necessary? it seems as though its been put there just to rhyme with 'might' i.e. forced rhyming. so my suggestion would be to cut those two words.

V2
Sinking lower, our weight sounds against the floor
Sitting right, I have you up against the door
I'll wrap my arms around your neck, breathing to perfect rhyme,
How does it feel to be on the receiving end this time?

this is better, you've dropped the clumsy internal rhyme, and (at least on the first two lines) used a more subtle cossonance approach. i've added a comma, but only because i thought it warranted it. if its a song, its doesn;t matter too much. seeing as this stanza seems to be about a couple sharing a dance, i would drop the 'i have you up against the door' to a less arcane expression. rather than talk in an imposing manner, talk of the shared moment, maybe touch on time as a theme, hows its drawn out etc etc.
but overall a nice stanza


CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy this lust.
Wraping your throat in precious revenge,
The back of your neck has never tasted so nice.

rather than a reference to vapirism, which seems a tad childish, i'll take this verse as being about a kiss, which i really hope it is. just a bit of confusion, is wraping meant to be raping or wrapping? you never know on the internet. but anyway, not much to comment on, its seems to be fine. but choruses are usually more about melody than words so....


V3
My arms unfold, I touch your throat,
Both hands close, like a tightening rope.
Now you see, this is no ordinary love scene,
You thought tonight you were in for a wonderful delight,
Well guess again, you were wrong,
Once again you've urged my angsty thougts along,
And this time its landed you right where you belong.

first two lines are good, probably the best flow in the song. well done for using a more subtle rhyme for throat than stoat or goat or boat. maybe the forth line is too much, too many words for such a simple line. you've already used wonderful, so try a different word, but with less syllables, just so yoiu're not slowing down the whole verse. last two lines need some work. remove the word angsty, as this helps noone. replace it with something more mature sounding. and the word order in the last line hinder the flow. try saying it aloud, and then see how the tougue trips over the words. it would work as well without 'you right', if only you were to replace 'its' with you.


To know your wrong must be tough,
But to think your right must be worse.

again, i think you could achieve alot by playing with the word order. for example;

its must be tough, to know you're wrong
but it must be worse, to think you're right.

this way, the juxtapostion between the two concepts is heighted by their appearance in the same area of the lines, if you see what i meen. so, have another little play around, as you could make it more effective.


so overall, sorry for the daft earlier post, and i hope this advice goes some way towards the wasted bandwidth. but anyway, this is an alright pice, but it could be better, mostly if you looked at the word order from a different perspective.

[Madmatt]

nice like 9/10

CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy
Wraping your throat in a precious beat
The back of your neck has never tasted so sweet

that would be a lil better if you like it 10/10 with the verse like that

[takes2tokill]

Alright iv finally edited it, i changed it up a little along the lines of surf's and pizza's crits.

[El_Goodo]

Well Im more of a guitar player,

never even heard of eric clapton,[/B] and i probly wouldnt like his music either...

If you value your life you will run before it's too late. Most people would consider him one of the best guitarists of all time, he's played with countless artists (The Beatles), been in great bands (Cream, Derek and The Dominoes), and has written some great rock classics (Layla, Cocaine). I myself find him to be a little overrated, bu t you can't be a guitar player and not know who Eric Clapton is.

[takes2tokill]

well iv heard his name b4 so im not totally oblivious, i just dont pay attention 2 it.

i could be the pittiful first who doesnt know anything but his name.

=/