I Think This Is Cliche But I Don't No

[sportsfan4427]

this maybe be a bit cliche or unorginal but i really like it soooo (it'd be kinda folkly with just an acoustic) crits for crit please

Mary-Beth Used To Be Pretty


Sultry dances
Surround the girl
As she cautiously prances
Through the hectic crowd
Of thin moist bodies
Looking to be unique and proud
But really they’re just a revolving reflection
Rotating from soul to soul

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them

A pit filled with pseudo danger
Attacks the nervous girl
To this scene she’s a stranger
From the outside it looked great
But from the outside so does hell
Those smoldering flames of hate
Look like stunning scarlet roses
So she decides to attack back

Tomorrow will turn to present
And the fads will turn to past
But you will always be you

A topic of intense heat
One she’s heard all about
But now finally gets to meet
She walks in desperate for a style
Designed by a matchless man
But she’ll be looking for a while
Cause the clerk, customer, and even the air
Are one and the same

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them

[i am the robots]

oh god damn it, cliches are non-existant in song writing, it's supposed to be your expression, why do you newbies care so much about the horrible c word?

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for that comment...so useful

[pizzapizzapie]

Mary-Beth Used To Be Pretty
Good title, fits the song.

Sultry dances
Surround the girl
As she cautiously prances
Through the hectic crowd
Of thin moist bodies
Looking to be unique and proud
But really they’re just a revolving reflection
Rotating from one soul to another
Wow, great! The "Of thin moist bodies" ruins the flow a bit, and it doesn't rhyme with "reflection". Consider the use of "But really..." aswell.
Fantastic verse otherwise.

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
Again, consider the use of "but". Otherwise it's great! Fits the verse.

A pit filled with pseudo danger
Attacks the nervous girl
To this scene she’s a stranger
From the outside it looked great
But from the exterior so does hell
Yea those smoldering flames of hate
Look like stunning scarlet roses
So she decides to attack back
This line fill me with doubt. Is she nervous? Danger? This is great imo!
"But from exterior so does hell" seem... wrong. Exterior ruins the flow. Use another word? The 6th lines connects it. I love that line (maybe remove the "yea"). The last line fill me with questions. What to happen?

Tomorrow will turn to present
And the fads will turn to past
But you will always be you
This is nice.
But the double use of "you" get a bit strange and the message become unclear. It might just be me.

A topic of intense heat
One she’s heard all about
But now finally gets to meet
She walks in desperate for a style
Designed by a matchless man
But she’ll be looking for a while
Cause the clerk, customer, and even the air
Are one and the same
First three lines are really, really good. They tell you what you want to know. But now the message is gone. I'm lost. What are you trying to say?

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
Good ending

OVERALL
Your imagery is great, one of the better I've seen. I like the rhymes, they don't seem forced at all. Consider the use of all your "but" and "and", it might flow even better! The last part of the last verse seem as a filler though, since I didn't understand it at all.

8½/10. Great work!

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for the crit glad u like it

this song is sort of a fu.ck your scene type song the so in explanation last verse

A topic of intense heat (hot topic)
One she’s heard all about (she heard that's where they hung out)
But now finally gets to meet(she's finally going in)
She walks in desperate for a style(she wants a style)
Designed by a matchless man(a style unique to her)
But she’ll be looking for a while(self explainatory for the rest)
Cause the clerk, customer, and even the air
Are one and the same

[sandsoftime]

Sultry dances
Surround the girl
As she cautiously prances
Through the hectic crowd
Of thin moist bodies
Looking to be unique and proud
But really they’re just a revolving reflection
Rotating from one soul to another
<saying that everyone is just the same has never been so well put>

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
<is mary-beth someone special...or did you just like the name...?>

A pit filled with pseudo danger
Attacks the nervous girl
To this scene she’s a stranger
From the outside it looked great
But from the exterior so does hell
Those smoldering flames of hate
Look like stunning scarlet roses
So she decides to attack back
<kind of a dark romantic feel...i like it...bring back the ruffles>

Tomorrow will turn to present
And the fads will turn to past
But you will always be you
<a anti scene song...been done but what hasn't...besides every word has more than one meaning...its conotations leave room for countless interpratations...this song could mean...anything...anything you want it to...if i really wanted to see this verse the way i wanted it could show a timeless quality about mary-beth>

A topic of intense heat
One she’s heard all about
But now finally gets to meet
She walks in desperate for a style
Designed by a matchless man
But she’ll be looking for a while
Cause the clerk, customer, and even the air
Are one and the same
<its cool that this is hot topic...but bad that it needs an explination...>

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
<nice job i really liked it>
<9/10>

[cure_for_cancer17]

hey thanks for that, i think you're song's pretty good. it reminds me of stuff i've written in that you're trying to explain how we really are all the same, even if we think we're not.
i can't remember who said it but there's this quote that goes - "i express my individuality by continually dressing, acting and thinking the same as my friends" (or something to that effect) and that kinda reminds me of this song, or vice-versa.

"A pit filled with pseudo danger
Attacks the nervous girl
To this scene she’s a stranger
From the outside it looked great
But from the exterior so does hell
Those smoldering flames of hate
Look like stunning scarlet roses
So she decides to attack back" - i really like this verse in particular, seems that the point got well made, and the similie about hell sounds good, it evokes images straight away. for me. nice!


oh and on whether or not it's cliche, i say if it is then why's that a bad thing. you can't tell if it is or not and so it's not worth worrying about.
one thing i would say is that all the best lines/images willl eventually become cliche, because if they're good people will try to emulate, etc.

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for the crits...but more would be appreciated sooo much

[Minos]

First of all, whoever said cliches are non-existent in song-writing must be on crack. I swear to God, if I hear another rap song that consists of nothing more than cheesy innuendo, I will hurt somebody. Cliches are bad. But you don't need to worry, this is fine.

Basically, there are ways to avoid being "cliche". An overdone topic presented in a unique way (this writing), is one of those ways.

Mary-Beth Used To Be Pretty
eh...I think you could come up with a better title.

Sultry dances
Surround the girl
As she cautiously prances
Through the hectic crowd
Of thin moist bodies
Looking to be unique and proud
But really they’re just a revolving reflection
Rotating from one soul to another
To be honest, I'm kind of disappointed with the progression...the alliteration is wonderful in those first three lines, and then...bam. Other, harsher consonants take the stage. Now, judging from the topic, one *could* assume that this is symbolic...the beauty becomes...not so much. I doubt that was the intention, though. If it was, kudos to you.

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
Very blunt. Kind of a step away from that first verse.


A pit filled with pseudo danger
Attacks the nervous girl
To this scene she’s a stranger
From the outside it looked great
But from the exterior so does hell
Those smoldering flames of hate
Look like stunning scarlet roses
So she decides to attack back
The third and fourth lines just...don't fit, for whatever reason. Exterior doesn't seem quite the right word. Doesn't flow very well. And what is the exterior of hell? Are you looking at it from the top, but beneath the earth nonetheless? Or from the sky/stars, where you are simply looking at Earth (which would make it a wonderful point). Details wil usually help.

Tomorrow will turn to present
And the fads will turn to past
But you will always be you
Hmm...I don't think I like the repetition of you in the last line. Not sure though.

A topic of intense heat
One she’s heard all about
But now finally gets to meet
She walks in desperate for a style
Designed by a matchless man
But she’ll be looking for a while
Cause the clerk, customer, and even the air
Are one and the same
I read what you were going for, and I understand, but this seems the weakest of the verses. The rhyming became very forced...you were trying too hard to stay within those ideas. I think you could salvage this, even preserve the symbolism by just becoming a bit more lenient with the concepts.
an example:
"Put the subject on the fire (make the topic hot)
And the smoke will fill her eyes
Walk through flames in dark desire (she steps inside)"
I don't know...I don't know the music it will go to or anything, I think it just needs something :\

Her names Mary-Beth
And she used to be pretty
But now she’s just another one of them
Again, these little three line stanzas are a rather drastic change from the verses, but good idea to tie up the end with the beginning. It gives a good sense of closure.

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for that crit i changed a few minor things and much respect for the last little example it's really nice(considering i don't think you took too much time on it)

[Madmatt]

i like it i would give it a 10/10

Sultry dances
Surround the girl
As she cautiously prances
Through the hectic crowd
Of empty souls with no direction
Looking to be unique and proud
But really they’re just a revolving reflection
Rotating from one soul to another

and it would be good