Dreaming of You Breathing

[sandsoftime]

Tell me what you think...and what i can fix

Dreaming of You Breathing

I don’t need to sleep
‘Cus I’m already dreaming
And as your hearts beats
Moonlight plays on city streets

The stars, they hide behind
They can not match your beauty
You stopped the tick of time
‘Cus moving on would be a crime

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing

Can you hear my song
The leaves, they all start dancing
Did I leave my body
Or did heaven come down to me

the wind sings outside
it whispers it a tune just for you
the rain imitates
the beating that our hearts make

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing

as all stability
just abandons me
as I’m falling free
your right there to catch me

stop the sun from rising
let you and me just stay this way
the stars will fade to blue
bidding us there fond adieu

the wind sing softer
the entire world seems hollow now
but it never really leaves
it plays on your lips every time you breathe

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing

[Octavius]

I don’t need to sleep
‘Cus I’m already dreaming
And as your hearts beats
Moonlight plays on city streets
I love the first two lines, they're great. The last two lines feel forced and feel as if they end early. Maybe instead of rhyming lines three and four you could rhyme 2 and 4, That might make it flow better.

The stars, they hide behind
They can not match your beauty
You stopped the tick of time
‘Cus moving on would be a crime
What are the stars hiding behind? Comparing the stars to someones beauty has been done in songs alot but i think it works well in this piece. Again lines 3 and 4 feel forced.

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing
This sounds like something Evanescence would write, you can take that as a compliement or an insult lol. I'm guessing its the chorus, its a pretty standard love song chorus. I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'I can feel the air beneath me leaving'.

Can you hear my song
The leaves, they all start dancing
Did I leave my body
Or did heaven come down to me
I really like this verse, has great imagery and good use of words.

the wind sings outside
it whispers it a tune just for you
the rain imitates
the beating that our hearts make
This is cool aswell, i think that it would flow better if you added an extra word to the 3rd line, maybe change it to 'the rain always imitates'. Just a suggestion

as all stability
just abandons me
as I’m falling free
your right there to catch me
this is a bit cheesy, it doesn't really add anything to the piece.

stop the sun from rising
let you and me just stay this way
the stars will fade to blue
bidding us there fond adieu
In the first 2 lines you want it to stay night but from reading the 3rd line it seems like the stars are turning into the blue sky of day. Sounds forced again

the wind sing softer
the entire world seems hollow now
but it never really leaves
it plays on your lips every time you breathe
This is cool. It could be a great ending for the song instead of repeating the chorus again. I really like it.

So altogether it's good, there's just some parts like the third and fourth lines of some of the verses could be longer and flow better.
Well done 7/10

[pizzapizzapie]

Tell me what you think...and what i can fix

Dreaming of You Breathing

I don’t need to sleep
‘Cus I’m already dreaming
And as your hearts beats
Moonlight plays on city streets

I really like the 1st, 2nd and 4th. The "cus" seem forced though, I dont think you need it. There's something with the flow aswell(cant put my finger on it). The 3rd line seem forced aswell. Remind me of "Like a virgin".

The stars, they hide behind
They can not match your beauty
You stopped the tick of time
‘Cus moving on would be a crime
3rd and 4th line are great, but again the "cus" kinda ruins it.
1nd and 2nd are not very special, but they work. You try to explain her beauty, but I think you could do better.

So far, in my opinion, you've used to many words. The grammar is in your hands! You dont need "cus" and dont use "you" and "your" to much, the listener/reader still understand the purpose.

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing
Good work! The 3 first lines are great, the fourth is odd. I dont really understand that one. Is he falling?
Otherwise the chorus is good, but yet again, I think you use to many words!

Can you hear my song
The leaves, they all start dancing
Did I leave my body
Or did heaven come down to me

This verse is the best so far I think, I like "The leaves, they all started dancing". If you removed some of the words it would be better though.


the wind sings outside
it whispers it a tune just for you
the rain imitates
the beating that our hearts make
1st and 2nd line is great, besides the double use of "it".
3rd line is to short, ruins the flow, and both 3rd and 4th feel like fillers to me.

as all stability
just abandons me
as I’m falling free
your right there to catch me
To me, this verse's a filler. I understand what you're trying to say but you fail and you could do it better, I'm sure of it.

stop the sun from rising
let you and me just stay this way
the stars will fade to blue
bidding us there fond adieu
1st and 2nd line's are great, and as I read the 3rd and 4th I think this is the best verse so far! The use of "fond adieu" and "fade to blue" is great! I'm impressed!

the wind sing softer
the entire world seems hollow now
but it never really leaves
it plays on your lips every time you breathe

The 1st and 2nd promise much, but I dont think the 3rd and 4th lines do it. They have no meaning, and again, to many words.

OVERALL
The subject is a bit cliché, but I think you do a great work. The chorus and most of the verses need to be shortened, remove most of the words, like "now", "you" etc, fix the fillers. The "fond adieu" verse was great!
In this state 5/10, since it seem as a work in progress.

[dirtypirate337]

I like it. Like pizzapizzapie said, the subject is a little cliche, but it's still a good love song.

[sportsfan4427]

I don’t need to sleep
‘Cus I’m already dreaming
And as your hearts beats
Moonlight plays on city streets

pretty nice no really problems really like it actually

The stars, they hide behind
They can not match your beauty
You stopped the tick of time
‘Cus moving on would be a crime

very nice clever rhyme don't really like the first 2 line though

When I close my eyes
I can feel the world beneath me spinning
As I start to fall
I can feel the air beneath me leaving
Can you hear me now
I can feel your heart beside me beating
When I open my eyes
I can feel you next to me just breathing

very nice ending change the bolded line it's reminds me of the Verizon commericals and kudos on the rhyming so far

Can you hear my song
The leaves, they all start dancing
Did I leave my body
Or did heaven come down to me

the last 2 lines seem like horrible pick up lines

as all stability
just abandons me
as I’m falling free
your right there to catch me

simple, but not bad at all, seems like it'd flow great

the wind sings outside
it whispers it a tune just for you
the rain imitates
the beating that our hearts make

this is alright but here is where i think your song maybe getting a bit too long if you plan to add music, not good long but redundant

stop the sun from rising
let you and me just stay this way
the stars will fade to blue
bidding us there fond adieu

the last rhyme isn't that great just because it truely seems forced

the wind sing softer
the entire world seems hollow now
but it never really leaves
it plays on your lips every time you breathe

the last two lines here seem like a pick up line that i may have to actually use...so ummm thanks


OVERALL it was decent i'd give it a 6/10 but it got very long and extremely repetative. you did have good imagery and stuff but it was almost too much


could you crit my song it's asking if it's cliche and tell me what you think