Dreaming In Bliss And Living Lies Has Left Me With A Heart Of Despise

[Kade100]

Who knew? Until now, I never knew that you
Were just something to do
I thought that what we had did not
Contain thoughts and actions of naughty reactions
To what guys did when I wasn’t there to get rid
Of them and I bet if I wasn’t around
You’d do it again; concur to their wishes
I can already see you going down

Today I vow to stop dreaming bliss; to stop living this
Life of lies; failed attempts to try and stay pure
There’s no way I could’ve known that you were so
Lost… you were and always will be a-

Wait, I see you and me in a dream
We’re happy like any couple should be
But I’ll wave my hands and I shout to the Heavens
I’ll count to ten, and when I open my eyes again
I’ll see or hear no trace of you, and if I do
I’ll conclude, that leaving you dead was not a last resort because

Today I vow to stop dreaming bliss; to stop living this
Life of lies; failed attempts to try and stay pure
There’s no way I could’ve known that you were so
Lost… you were and always will be a-

Bleep…
I’ll turn my television set off
Because watching the beginning of Pretty Woman
Brings back to many memories of a person I used to know.

[sportsfan4427]

Who knew? Until now, I never knew that you
Were just something to do
I thought that what we had did not
Contain thoughts and actions of naughty reactions
To what guys did when I wasn’t there to get rid
Of them and I bet if I wasn’t around
You’d do it again; concur to their wishes
I can already see you going down

this verse is alright but what you might wanna do is be a bit more vague and try and hide what your saying simple because it's such a common topic

Today I vow to stop dreaming bliss; to stop living this
Life of lies; failed attempts to try and stay pure
There’s no way I could’ve known that you were so
Lost… you were and always will be a-

pretty nice job here no really complaints except for the ending but i imagine it's like that for musical purposes

Wait, I see you and me in a dream
We’re happy like any couple should be
But I’ll wave my hands and I shout to the Heavens
I’ll count to ten, and when I open my eyes again
I’ll see or hear no trace of you, and if I do
I’ll conclude, that leaving you dead was not a last resort because

i really enjoyed this verse it starts out sorta bland but then it sorta surprised me with the ending 3 or 4 lines very nice

Bleep…
I’ll turn my television set off
Because watching the beginning of Pretty Woman
Brings back to many memories of a person I used to know.

i wouldn't end a song like this it's kinda weird, mentioning Pretty Woman is never a good idea, and making a bleep sound doesn't seem like it'd work, it's kinda bland so unless your in love with this part i'd just delete cause the rest is good


Overall VERY NICE JOB i'd maybe do something about the end and make this into a killer song

[TheBigMachine]

Quick one...

Who knew? Until now, I never knew that you
Were just something to do
I thought that what we had did not
Contain thoughts and actions of naughty reactions
To what guys did when I wasn’t there to get rid
Of them and I bet if I wasn’t around
You’d do it again; concur to their wishes
I can already see you going down


You repeat the word 'knew' which has a flow restricting, yucky effect when both reading and saying out loud. There's some many 'u' sounds, that it just becomes congested and sound like a group of girls saying ewww but cant get it in unison. Line three is a little shady, too wordy to say something very simple. Line four, the actual internal rhyme sounds good, but it makes no sence. Look over that. A classic begginer sign is the hackneyed lines, and when you go "to what guys did when I wasn't there to get rid/of them and i bet if I wasn't around/etc etc" instead of improving the flow and feel of the piece it cuts it off entirely. Again, your using to many words for little ideas, which is often a side effect of chopping up your lines.

Today I vow to stop dreaming bliss; to stop living this
Life of lies; failed attempts to try and stay pure
There’s no way I could’ve known that you were so
Lost… you were and always will be a-

Here however, a better use of line breaks is show, in line one and two, which is good. More grammer as well, also good. This is actually pretty decent, so I dont have much to say.

Wait, I see you and me in a dream
We’re happy like any couple should be
But I’ll wave my hands and I shout to the Heavens
I’ll count to ten, and when I open my eyes again
I’ll see or hear no trace of you, and if I do
I’ll conclude, that leaving you dead was not a last resort because

Your line break/brakes(i forget which it is) have gone back to normal, and the flow has picked up straight away. Your still a little bit wordy, but I guess we can look over that. Line four onwards is great stuff, line two is not.

Today I vow to stop dreaming bliss; to stop living this
Life of lies; failed attempts to try and stay pure
There’s no way I could’ve known that you were so
Lost… you were and always will be a-

Bleep…
I’ll turn my television set off
Because watching the beginning of Pretty Woman
Brings back to many memories of a person I used to know.

The 'bleep' is kinda...lame. Sorry to say. But the rest is ok. That said it's very immature sentimentallity.