Six Sides

[Iron_Weed]

I just wrote this now, can't tell if I like it yet, so guide me. Decent crits will be returned.

I count the hours by
God is in my sheets
It’s just a passing thing
It was just a passing thing
I hit so hard my fists turn numb
I pray for sleep but sleep won’t come

I’m in my silent kingdom
Pipers lull me dry
There’s no depth in my eyes
It’s something I despise
I think so much I lose my mind
This rooms so dark I could be blind

Goodbye my outlet
This was my only meeting with you

I count the hours by
Fate has left me clean
There’ll be no mark on me
There’ll be no more marks on me
I sin so hard I can’t atone
I wish for skin to free my bones

Goodbye my outlet
I surely doubt I’ll see you again

[Surf]

well, i like it, but i think that there's some bits which need some work.
ensue crit:

I count the hours by
God is in my sheets
It’s just a passing thing
It was just a passing thing
I hit so hard my fists turn numb
I pray for sleep but sleep won’t come

this is a good opening verse. i really like the last line. but i think that maybe 'god is in my sheets' could use some expansion, just an adjective, or whatnot, its just a little blank.

I’m in my silent kingdom
Pipers lull me dry
There’s no depth in my eyes
It’s something I despise
I think so much I lose my mind
This rooms so dark I could be blind

first two lines are great, but i've bolded the parts i think cause the biggest problem. the rhyming seems a tad forced, and the rhythm of the second line is way off. it doesn;t fit alongside pipers lull me dry. try moving the third line to the forth, and putting a new line in for the thrid. this way, you break up and mae more interesting the rhyme scheme, as well as getting rid of 'despise' which is the line i don't like.


Goodbye my outlet
This was my only meeting with you

interesting and good. my only criticism is that it reminds me of james blunt. please try to avoid that if you put this to music.


I count the hours by
Fate has left me clean
There’ll be no mark on me
There’ll be no more marks on me
I sin so hard I can’t atone
I wish for skin to free my bones

last two lines are very good, so the only only suggestion i have is to try to marry them to a more intersting start. its good, but not as good as the last lines warrant. but thats a rubbish criticism, so you can ignore it if you want. what i really would suggest is that during the rpeated line in the first verse, the second line switched to the past tense, so maybe thats something that should be continued here?

Goodbye my outlet
I surely doubt I’ll see you again

i'm starting to get doubts about the word outlet. seems brings ideas of janitors to mind more than what you're trying for. maybe change this to something more romantic. e.g. release or whatever

so yeah, its got potential, and i see that its come hot off the presses, so it needs some editing. some more ideas from others would be nice though.