Clouded Vision

[Scuba_Steve]

so yeah, this is the first song I've ever written I'e always thought to myself, man, I wish I could write. But then last night I though of a pair of lines, and it just grew into a song. I feel so great about it.

The Actual song-

A man in the park
read the notes on the tree
Found out about you and
found out about me

He was looking for something he lost
A long, long time ago
Looking for his love (Humming)
in all the wrong places
never knowing where to go

Drove his love deep into his arm
bringing back lost memories
Not thinking of who he'd harm

Vision was cloudy hearing was gone
His search for his love went on and on
His latest love didn't last for long

There was a man in the park
who read the notes on the tree
found out about you and me

-------------------------------------------
I realize it does seem sort shakey at parts, but that's why I posted it here.
I'm trying to make up a chord progression of sorts for it right now, and I'm tihnking it would sound good as a folkish maybe betle-esque song.

Any ideas or help would be great.

[bamboo_on_wheels]

im new to this but i think its a pretty cool subject but the way u did it was kinda bland and the verses dont really say too much

[Scuba_Steve]

im new to this but i think its a pretty cool subject but the way u did it was kinda bland and the verses dont really say too much


I thought the verses said quite alot.

especially revealing the fact that the "love" that the man is trying to find is heroin.

[pizzapizzapie]

A man in the park
read the notes on the tree
Found out about you and
found out about me
Overall, it's a nice verse.
I don't really like "the tree" and the double "the" makes that line quite odd. Maybe change "the tree" to "our tree" or something?
The "and" in the 3rd line ruins the flow a bit.

He was looking for something he lost
A long, long time ago
Looking for his love (Humming)
in all the wrong places
never knowing where to go

1st line, double use of he, imo not good.
2nd line is fine.
3rd line... (humming)? You mean humming in song? Otherwise it's good.
4th-5th are good aswell.

Drove his love deep into his arm
bringing back lost memories
Not thinking of who he'd harm
The first line seem like a filler to me. It has a meaning but it becomes quite odd since the two lines after are very good, and somehow don't fit together(imo, it could just be me). Otherwise the flow is good.

Vision was cloudy hearing was gone
His search for his love went on and on
His latest love didn't last for long
Very good, best so far. The double use of his in the beginning of both sentenses make it strange to read.

There was a man in the park
who read the notes on the tree
found out about you and me

Good work overall. I like the flow throughout the song. I would say you can shorten some of the lines, and the "drove his arm" verse could be changed.
7/10. Nicely nicely

EDIT: After reading your last post, I see that the "drove his arm" verse has a meaning. A but unclear, but it's better(since i thought he was hugging someone very hard...)

[cure_for_cancer17]

for a first song that's pretty good. in fact it's one of those where the more you read, the more sense it makes. i'm glad you pointed out that heroin was the subject otherwise i don't think i would've gotten it.

[sportsfan4427]

A man in the park
read the notes on the tree
Found out about you and
found out about me

the rhyming is very simple, actually the entire verse is extremely simple but really i like it quite a bit

He was looking for something he lost
A long, long time ago
Looking for his love (Humming)
in all the wrong places
never knowing where to go

this part doesn't seem as though it'd flow very well if song, also you might wanna add a bit more imagery here cause two simple type verses in a row may not be the way to go

Drove his love deep into his arm
bringing back lost memories
Not thinking of who he'd harm

alright see where your going with this and i like but i think it could be said a bit better... more poetic

Vision was cloudy hearing was gone
His search for his love went on and on
His latest love didn't last for long

well done

There was a man in the park
who read the notes on the tree
found out about you and me

that's not a very good ending i see what your going for but i'd maybe end with the verse before it... i don't know though

Overall this was a good considering it was your first attempt. but somethings to work on for future ones are adding a bit more poetic elements like similes, metaphor, alliteration, and imagery. Really try and paint a picture in the readers mind instead of just inform them on what it is that your writing about. i think you have a lot of potential as a lyricist so keep it up

if you could give mine a look it's the topic asking if my songs cliche or not...it's got my name under it lol

[Scuba_Steve]

thanks for the help you guys, at least now I know what I need to build on and such.

[pizzapizzapie]

I could add, if you want the listener/reader to understand the text you could change the title, since it's quite dim imo. But that's just me.

[iam2000pounds]

I like it okay, but what does humming mean?

[pizzapizzapie]

To emit a continuous low droning sound like that of the speech sound (m) when prolonged, is what my dictionary says.

EDIT www.thefreedictionary.com