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View Full Version : Quick to heal (Not the best name)


Solacedrummer
08-02-2006, 05:05 AM
You are an empty christ to me, and I'm your sins.
Reaching In. Reaching Out.
And You are, just another, angel without a cover.
As thick as mine painted black and blue.

I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.

I hear you reaching out to me, I'm sorry but sometimes it makes me sick.
So much that everything turns red and blue.
I wish that I could fade away, fall down, the breaking of the chain.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.

:It is an old song of mine, but I really like the lyrics. The chorus part is not very interesting, nore creative, but it does the job.

Surf
08-02-2006, 08:48 AM
You are an empty christ to me, and I'm your sins.
Reaching In. Reaching Out.
And You are, just another, angel without a cover.
As thick as mine painted black and blue.
right first line and i can tell what kind of piece this is going to be. 'empty christ' is, i think too blunt a way of introducing the piece. if i were to go on, i'd find nothing new, no development past 'empty christ'. so, you can either a) use a subtler phrasing (i think this) or b) if you like the words too much, put them somewhere else, maybe at the end. most of the rest is fine, not much i can say, but thick in the last line seems to drag the flow, i don't know how
explain myself, but i found it was sticking to my tongue as i read it and hindering the rhythm.

I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
don't like commenting on choruses much, but i'll just say this is both a bit bland, and that it sounds like a stubborn child. no suggestions because i can't write choruses. but then, like you said, i'm sure it does the job

I hear you reaching out to me, I'm sorry but sometimes it makes me sick.
So much that everything turns red and blue.
I wish that I could fade away, fall down, the breaking of the chain.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

first line: too simple. try the same idea with less words, also too vague. rather than sometimes, commit yourself dammit, stop sitting on the fence. rest is fine. sense of despair. actually, did you know that despair is the ultimate sin? i only mention it because you've written a (somewhat) religious piece, but anyway, if you die, you're going straight to hell. going to be turned into a tree with harpies tearing off the leaves, so that as the blood escapes you can scream. anyway, enough dante. and to anyone who says 'ah surf, i thought that was suicides', despair = suicide, complete lack of faith that anything will improve. so yeash back to the piece. last but one line is the best here. maybe in the second line you've already used 'blue' so switch that around.

I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
I wont go, I wont show, that this is getting the best of me.
see above.

overall, quite good. good choice of theme, but i'd be interested to know are you religious, agnostic, aetheist? or something else? religious writing always interests me. but well done, definitely some changes could be made though.