input please

[johnb73]

i dont actually know the lyrics so i cant type them...
but i wasnt really digging my bands new songs lyrics do you guys think you could give input on them?
www.myspace.com/johnnyhitandrun
the song is called "tribute to chuck"

[slpntrx5]

can't really understand them. get your singer to write them down for you or something.

[tytothebenj]

We can't give you input if we don't know the lyrics. Especially me since I don't have any sound on my computer.

[johnb73]

ok, i will try to get him to write them down

[johnb73]

i finally got him to write them down... i think these are them..reading them i dont mind them as much, but input is still apreciated


In what I have come to learn
some days shine and some days burn
we cannot create only accept
through all of this I have kept

Being on the cusp of understanding
of wanting a complete perspective
all in all I am lucky
I’m still here standing

A thought not to question
the outcomes to my actions
a never ending drive for life
an undying misery

[Happy_Squirrel]

In what I have come to learn
some days shine and some days burn
we cannot create only accept
through all of this I have kept

Second rhyme (3rd & 4th lines) seems a bit much. I would change the last line, not only because it would eliminate that rhyme, but also because I don't like it even by itself. Overall, this opening stanza is ai'ight, but I don't think you ended up saying as much as you thought you sounded like you were saying, if that makes any sense. 3rd line is really good, though. A profound thought. I wish I penned it.

Being on the cusp of understanding
of wanting a complete perspective
all in all I am lucky
I’m still here standing

I'd eliminate the "Being" at the beginning of the 1st line. Actually, I'd eliminate the whole stanza. Sorry, I understand what you're saying but it's a bit too plainly stated and you come off as someone trying too hard to sound like some artsy philosophy professor, but not really pulling it off. I also don't like having "standing" at the end of the first & last lines.

A thought not to question
the outcomes to my actions
a never ending drive for life
an undying misery

The best stanza and a definite keeper. Can't think of any significant changes to make here.

This thing had its moments, but I think you'd be best to keep the last stanza and maybe start the rest over, save maybe a few lines. Just my opinion. :smoke:

[johnb73]

thanks for the input...pretty much everythign you said we should get rid of is the reason the song was written.....its lines taken from a letter chuck reagan wrote to explain why Hot Water Music broke up