This morning I woke up to find out Santa Claus wasn’t real, you selfish pig

[tytothebenj]

I had an urge to write this morning, so I did. It might be lyrics to a song, it might just be a story. Who knows?

This morning I woke up to find out Santa Claus wasn’t real, you selfish pig REVISED

My face pressed so hard against the ground
Gravel embedded in my cheeks
That vise grip of yours, that’s sure to get you somewhere
Rubbing my nose in the cavity that used to be my shoulder

Yeah, I smell it
You sucker punched me
When we were back at the train station
You pretended the reason I fell was some unknown force
And that you were my friend nursing me back to health

Well I’m not quite sure, because I was unconscious
But I’m assuming you got on your knees and put your arms around me
While saying things like, “Are you alright?” “What happened?”
That’s what you did

Then you took one guilty conscious look around to find your escape
How else could you have got me out of that train station, right?
All those upstanding young businessmen and businesswomen
I’m sure they would have done something

I wouldn’t be surprised how many of them had a gun on them
Considering every one of them had a titanium briefcase
Full of who knows what
Come on, it’s a titanium briefcase
It could be anything

So, I’m glad I wasn’t wearing a tie
I might have choked out a while back
While you were dragging me down all those empty alleyways
But then I wouldn’t be living to suffer at our final destination
But then again, you could have used it to your advantage
You might’ve been in a better mood
Because I’d be easier to drag along

It’s okay though, I forgive you for this
I’m glad I’m not back at that train station
I rather not be one of those upstanding young businessmen with a titanium briefcase
Instead I’m the guy you sucker punched, dragged through the fish market
And then finally brought to these “Extermination grounds”

Thank you for this, I’m eternally grateful
But, enough of my complaining and crazy ranting
I’m sure it was all in good fun
Now, we’re here
You severed my arm with the machete you picked off that oblivious fish merchant
And now you’re watching me bathe my face in my own wound
All because I stepped on those nice upstanding young businessman shoes

[Surf]

right, this is either several full stops short of a story, or a few pauses short of a poem.

some structure would be nice, assuming it is a song/poem. it does have so semblenece of flow to it, but i think it needs to be more organised. there's some nice lines/ideas in there, but try breaking it into a few verses and then i'll take a fresh look at it.

[tytothebenj]

You want structure? There's some structure for ya.

[Surf]

i said i'd come back and i did. i also wrote a massive crit for this, and then lost it, this log in thing is starting to piss me off. so if this sounds rushed and half don, it is.

firstly the title. shorten it. its too long and overwrought. for example, salvador dali's paintings. how many people remember the title 'Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bumblebee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening' compared to how may remember 'the persistence of memory'
so yeah, shorten it. and definitely get rid of the insult.

not going to take it verse by verse, so here's some general criticisms

firstly, the word flow is poor in some cases. the piece has a free written style to it. because of this, the words could do with a change in places. 'business men and businesswomen' should defintiely go, as well as some others that i can't remember.

second: try to break to monotony by switching to a third person perspective for some of the verses. by doing this, you can give the reader a break from the narration, as well as give yourself a chance to include more insightful metaphors imagery etc.

thrid. so of this needs trimming. i'm not averse to ling pieces, but ask yourself, is it all necessary? does every line add something to the work, or by sheer abundance, does it detract? so get your editing hat on, you've some work to do.

anyway, theres some good points here, stream of conciousness aspect is well done, and there's a few nice phrases, but fdefinitely needs some work. sorry for losing the bigger crit, but here you have the distilled more direct post.

[takes2tokill]

Dude the same f^cking thing just happend to me as Surf. i cant deal with this log in thing it sucks arse. I had a good crit for u but its gone now and im really srry but i dont really wanna re-type everything...
long story made short:

First off, that is the best title ever. LOL
neways the flow to this didnt really well.. flow.. i think the free style writting here is what might be throwing it off.
Also, break it down a little bit, some of the lines arent really necessary here and there.

"My face pressed so hard against the ground
Gravel embedded in my cheeks
That vise grip of yours, that’s sure to get you somewhere
Rubbing my nose in the cavity that used to be my shoulder"

Nice beginning, i can even picture it happening.

And the rest states one thing...:

You knocked me out, and drug me away.

thats all i could find in it anyways.

maybe a little more could be added in place of some of the lines that are uneeded?

overall its got its good points and lines but i think it could still be worked on.