Pirate Punx

[dirtypirate337]

Verse 1 - There has been a time when everyone has tried
to try to be something that they're not.
But now the time has come for us to join as one,
we've gotta give it all that we've got.

Chorus - And on we sail through the lakes of Hell,
til' we find salvation in the kegs of Heaven.
The waters run red with the blood that we've shed.
But we sail on.

Verse 2 - Moving on and on again, we work hard until the end.
The water's running fast and our time is running out,
so I stand beside my comrades and continue on the route.

Chorus

Verse 3 - The sail is what keeps me alive!
When I'm down and out the waves revive!
We don't need you, we're doing it our way,
the past is gone so we live for today!

Chorus

Britton Morgan

[Surf]

quick advice, this isn't prose, so add some line breaks every now and then e.g. at the end of a line.
when that's done, i'll come back and have a better look

edit: and learn to spell punks

[dirtypirate337]

quick advice, this isn't prose, so add some line breaks every now and then e.g. at the end of a line.
when that's done, i'll come back and have a better look

edit: and learn to spell punks

I added the line breaks, I don't think it matters how I spell punks though. We spell it like that out of habit. It's a long story about how the habit started though.

[Surf]

i see we have structure, so i shall begin.

the title shall be tackled first. if you want the lyrics to be taken seriously, and iassume you do because you posted them, then changing the title is a must. its entirely at your discretion, but at the moment it sounds like a comedy sketch. like pigs in space from the muppets, but not funny.


There has been a time when everyone has tried
to try to be something that they're not.
But now the time has come for us to join as one,
we've gotta give it all that we've got.

first fault, tried to try seems a bit cumbersome. i can see the effect you're going for, and its hindered by the 'to be something'. the problem is that you use a very decisive and to the point phrase 'tried/ to try' but place it next to a vauge one. i suggest something a little more steadfast, rather than 'something' which is far too open. kudos onmn not constraining yourself with a rhyme scheme, easily avoided a rookie mistake (don't actually know how long you've been writing, but this is the first of yours i've read, so i'll assume its the first). second half could do with some work, a bit boring, as though the lines are too duictated by the message. use some imagery/metaphor etc - there's a guide at the top of the page that'll explain it better than i can here.

And on we sail through the lakes of Hell,
til' we find salvation in the kegs of Heaven.
The waters run red with the blood that we've shed.
But we sail on.

ok. first thing, not really to do with the song, but its a personal thing, and not really a relevant criticism. but you can't sail across the lakes of hell. if we take the model of hell laid down by dante, then there are four main rivers in hell; Acheron, Styx, Phlegethon and Cocytus. now the first isn't actually in hell, souls cross it in order to reach hell, so we can rule that out. Styx is a swamp and the only way across is via the ferryman. Phlegethon is a river of boiling blood, so not much sailings gonna happen, seeing as its full of the violent against others. and cocytus is a frozen lake, at the centre of which is lucifer. so all in all, not much chances for sailing. i'm sorry, i've gone off on a tangent, but this was a specialist subject for me this year, so i'm all clued in and touchy about it. any way, relevnt parts. in order to maintain some intergrity, you should remove all references to the kegs of hell. daft line. i'll let you have the third line, because its the Phlegethon in a lose kind of way. last line is good.

Moving on and on again, we work hard until the end.
The water's running fast and our time is running out,
so I stand beside my comrades and continue on the route.

ok, i'm starting to read socialist undertones into this verse. are you a communist? because communist songs tend not to make for great lyrics. e.g. the old soviet anthem was rubbish. try to include some references to actually being on a ship, make the idea work better for you is my advice. i'm sure there are hundreds of nautical metaphors you could use here, just of the top of my head, an achor wiehging you down has potential. so yeah, try something like that


The sail is what keeps me alive!
When I'm down and out the waves revive!
We don't need you, we're doing it our way,
the past is gone so we live for today!

ok, firstly i hate exclamation marks in poetry/lyrics, makes it seem so forced. but thats just me, so alter that at your own discretion. rhyming between the lines rhyme seems a tad forced. if you musty have rhyming, and i reccomend not, then try a more interesting rhyme scheme. abab for example or, from a Petrachan sonnet abba if you want to look clever in front of your friends.
personally, i think this is the weekest verse, and the problem is the rhyming.


overall, not great, but room for improvement, and thats what these forums are for. so get editing and good luck etc etc and change the title - there's not one refernce to either piracy or punks

[dirtypirate337]

ok, firstly i hate exclamation marks in poetry/lyrics, makes it seem so forced. but thats just me, so alter that at your own discretion. rhyming between the lines rhyme seems a tad forced.

Yeah, I didn't wanna do that. After every rhyming word in that verse, the word is repeated in gang vocals. I just thought it would look dumber to put some words in parentheses. Thanks for the review though. If you wanna hear the song go to myspace.com/ilovethedirtymugz. (I don't know if linking to the song is against the rules or not. Thats why I didn't put the link in the first post.

[sportsfan4427]

There has been a time when everyone has tried
to try to be something that they're not.
But now the time has come for us to join as one,
we've gotta give it all that we've got

sweet

And on we sail through the lakes of Hell,
til' we find salvation in the kegs of Heaven.
The waters run red with the blood that we've shed.
But we sail on.

i like the water theme here. the third and fourth line here kicka.s.s

Moving on and on again, we work hard until the end.
The water's running fast and our time is running out,
so I stand beside my comrades and continue on the route.


this would be the worst verse. one it not the same length as the others. two it has very very little flow. three the thing that i bold running-running. but those things can certainly be fixed

The sail is what keeps me alive!
When I'm down and out the waves revive!
We don't need you, we're doing it our way,
the past is gone so we live for today!

very nice rhyming. i'd complain about the exclamations but u cleared it up so this is my favorite verse

Overall NICE Job just fix up the 3rd verse

Could you give mine a crit it's the topic asking if it's cliche it'd be much appreciated