A Ginger Birch Dresser

[sportsfan4427]

I wrote this a little while back and showed it to my friend he liked it, so now i want to see what you guys think

A Ginger Birch Dresser

Sitting calmly in my room
Is a ginger birch chest
Filled with old memories
When pleasure was a plastic slide
And I still thought
Only children cried

Together we overcame the spin
Of a rusty roller coaster
We weaved amongst the air
As though our lives
Were free from care
Timidly we marveled
At a pleasant breeze
As it blew through our hair

So let the choir sing themselves a dream
And watch all their soothing notes
Turn into a scream

Now I’m just a lonely car
In a traffic jam
Cause by a family man
Holding us motionless
With a disease so abstract
There’s no kind of cure
Just then I realize
That life isn’t even close pure

But this was all before you
A forceful memory
I thought untrue

[Surf]

s'up? nice piece, here's a crit;

title: no real problems other than the use of ginger, i'm just worried that people will think more of the hair than a colour. if you're trying for the dresser/person metaphor, i'd make it a bit more subtle

Sitting calmly in my room
Is a ginger birch chest
Filled with old memories
When pleasure was a plastic slide
And I still thought
Only children cried

ok start, nothing much wrong with them, but then the las three lines are really good. not sure the enjambment is neccessary ( i appreciate the irony of my last piece being full of it) as the lines don;t make a whole heap of sense on their own. not really an issue though. as i said, these lines are great, especiually the alliteration of 'pleasure was a plastic slide'; has a nice flow to it

Together we overcame the spin
Of a rusty roller coaster
We weaved amongst the air
As though our lives
Were free from care
Hesitantly we marveled
At a pleasant breeze
While it blew through our hair

bit of a problem with the roller coaster but, but maybe its just me. ever hear that song by ronan keating, probably not if you live anywhere other than the uk, but its a cheesy pop song called life is a rollercoaster. like i said, not a problem for foreigners, but not a nice memory for me. rest ig great, nothing i can say.


So let the choir sing themselves a dream
And watch all their soothing notes
Turn into a scream

ok, bit of a problem here. first two lines are the best in the piece, but then the final line ruins it, it seems really forced and awkward. please change this, tout suite.

Now I’m just a lonely car
In a traffic jam
Cause by a family man
Holding us motionless
With a disease so abstract
There’s no kind of cure
Just then I realize
That life isn’t even close pure

most of this is fine, but i don;t like the blunt traffic jam line. its a bit easy if you know what i mean. try finding another metaphor, as i think this hinders the piece.

But this was all before you
A legendary storm
I thought untrue

this is fine, not much to say on it. maybe a bit clouded, the asllusions to the chest have all but dried up, so maybe link to back to the title and the beginning.


overall, nice piece of work, a bit different and i liked that. well done.]


*editing rather than making a new post: (to post below) no problem, if you want/have time you could have a look at http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=485009

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for the crit

[El_Goodo]

Sitting calmly in my room
Is a ginger birch chest
Filled with old memories
When pleasure was a plastic slide
And I still thought
Only children cried


Fairly good stanza, although the last three lines confused me. When Pleasure was a plastic side makes me think of children and parks. And I still thought only children cried, makes me think has this kid never seen anyone else cry, or is he now older and believes that he himself is expected not to cry.

That explanation confused even me, but hopefully you know what I mean.


Together we overcame the spin
Of a rusty roller coaster
We weaved amongst the air
As though our lives
Were free from care
Hesitantly we marveled
At a pleasant breeze
While it blew through our hair
[/[quote]]

No lines as good as when pleasure was a plastic slide, but it's a pretty good stanza. I don't see why the roller coaster needs ot be rusty haha.

[quote]
So let the choir sing themselves a dream
And watch all their soothing notes
Turn into a scream

Sounds like it could be a really catchy chorus.


Now I’m just a lonely car
In a traffic jam
Cause by a family man
Holding us motionless
With a disease so abstract
There’s no kind of cure
Just then I realize
That life isn’t even close pure

This verse seems less focused than the other two. You go from car's to family men, to disease. I prefer the last 4 lines to the first 4.


But this was all before you
A forceful memory
I thought untrue

Nice suttle ending. I like it.

[sportsfan4427]

In the first stanza it means that when i was younger i thought only children cried