In The Pen

[Iron_Weed]

Okay here's something nice and dark for you all. Decent crits will be returned.

A gun in my mouth and that sickly sideshow smile
Hey man, I’m gonna Maha Kal in style
And it tastes of filth and stinking bile
I’m the grit on these clear and bloodless tiles
Hey, hey, woah, woah
I am just another show

And the night just keeps on feeding from me
Every eye pushing out that carnival beat
Every mouth bragging of its sinful feast
Every nose raped by the stink of beasts
Hey, hey, yeah, yeah
I’m choking on my falling hair

Drugged up beauties crawling out from the walls
Writhing birds with hungry claws
And I’m the worm to fit their taste
I became an amputee today

The Pig Man cometh
The Pig Man cometh on
The Pig Man cometh
The Pig Man cometh on

[Surf]

there's some very nice lines in here, but i think that, as a whole, it suffer's from a disruptive flow. what's it all about? the verses seem not to be connected. form the title, i thought it may be something about a prison, and some lines confirm this, but i'm not that sure. but here's the real crit;

A gun in my mouth and that sickly sideshow smile
Hey man, I’m gonna Maha Kal in style

what is maha kal? this isn't really relavent to the crit, i just wondered what it was. anyway. the first line is good, obvious alliteration - mayhbe try and down play that a bit, go for less harsh sounding 's' sound. maybe change it to sinister sideshow smile. or something similar. since i don;t know what maha kal is, i can't comment objectivley on the line, so i'll move on.

And it tastes of filth and stinking bile
I’m the grit on these clear and bloodless tiles

i think you may be over using that rhyme. you get away without sounding forced, but it does become a bit boring. first line is very good. as a slight suggestion, and this would in no way be critical to the piece, find a word other than stinking. just seems a bit overused is all. last line seems a bit cryptic, but it reads well so i'll let it be.


Hey, hey, woah, woah
I am just another show

not much to say about this. maybe that it it sounds a bit like the ramones.


And the night just keeps on feeding from me
Every eye pushing out that carnival beat
Every mouth bragging of its sinful feast
Every nose raped by the stink of beasts

this is alot better, some great parts in this verse. the only thing i could suggest would be to change the last word. before you were getting away with it, but now, the rhyming seems a little forced. try using something that rhymes with 'me' for a more interesting rhyme scheme.

Hey, hey, yeah, yeah
I’m choking on my falling hair

again it seems like a chorus, and i don;t like commenting on chorus' because they're so often melodically driven, so yeah, not much to say on this.

Drugged up beauties crawling out from the walls
Writhing birds with hungry claws
And I’m the worm to fit their taste
I became an amputee today

another nice stanza. first line's fine.for the second, i'd add 'and' to the start, just to improve the flow a bit. again, cryptic last lines, but in this casee it seems to work. assuming the song is about prison, then the amputee line is great, very suggestive of the severance from society.

The Pig Man cometh
The Pig Man cometh on
The Pig Man cometh
The Pig Man cometh on

hmmm, not sure bout these lines. they seem as though thewy were tacked on the end for effect, rather than to actually advance the song. my suggestion; cut them. they do the song no favours. and 'the pig man cometh on' doesn't make sense. the cometh makes the on sound redundant.


so overall, a very good piece. several changes you could make, so good luck yada yada yada

p.s. if you do want to crit my piece, its called 'myself, mistress', and its floating round somewhere

[Iron_Weed]

Hey thanks for the crit, in answer to your question "Maha Kal" is from the Hari Krishna phrase "Akal, Maha Kal" meaning "Undying, great death", a chant for removing fear and relaxing the mind. The whole piece is about brutal sexuality so perhaps viewing it in that light will alter your perception of it. I will definatly rock over to your work at sometime, thanks again for an awesome crit.

[Surf]

brutal sexuality eh? well, that seems to change some of the meanings, and now i can't stop reading double entendres in it. i still think the crits are relevant though.