"The Boy That Loved His Alcohol More Than Me"

[TheBigMachine]

Some one help me :(
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I realise now whats wrong,
Theres no way Ill be sleeping with this jacket on,
And if I was under twenty feet of water
Id still stand a chance of breathing
One that I kissed goodbye three months ago today.

This attempt of mine is as stupid
As trying to clear the air with just one tree;
One for you, and none for me.

But for some reason or another,
I just keep on keepin' on.
My face has passed purple and I know,
That with silence
I may just get a chance to break your heart.
And if that chance arises, I'll be sure to seize it
With both hands - where will that leave yours?

I know you know what Im thinking
Cause now you can hear it on the radio -
This is my last stand...

Ill stand by the docks for hours
Board the first ship without a letter of
Your whole name.
Hide within the holds and scribble
By the light of phosphorous flame
"Play this on the radio if you
Never see me again"

When I reach my destination,
I'll walk in the first direction that I'm thrown.
Walk away from all my toubles, head to the nearest bar
Without a letter in it's whole name and drink till I
Cant afford it.
Rely on the money that I got when I bet,
That you'd throw up when you see how...
Wrong you were.

So now I'm winding up, Im out words and
Actions could lead to custody
I hope that you remember me in twenty
Maybe thirty
Years from now, as "the boy that loved his alcohol
More than me"

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Heavily Brand New influenced, so some may not like it. Written for a mates band.
Shred it.

[Octavius]

Ahhhhh god!! i just did a whole verse by verse crit and browser crashed and i lost it all. Sorry dude. It basically said its really good and the last verse is great 8/10

[Surf]

i have no idea who brand new are, so I'm going in cold....

ok first off, the title. I'm in two minds about this. on one hand it has great fairytale imagery, something like Roald Dahl's revolting rhymes, but then you don;t build on this, which leaves me thinking the title is either a) a waste of a great oppurtunity, or b) daft. so my first suggestion is have a look at some of dahls stuff, http://www.cupola.com/html/wordplay/redride1.htm
- childish but fun and for some reason that's what the title reminded me of.

now for the main piece

I realise now whats wrong,
Theres no way Ill be sleeping with this jacket on,
And if I was under twenty feet of water
Id still stand a chance of breathing
One that I kissed goodbye three months ago today.

right well, the first line seems dull to me, i think there's definitely other ways to say that, other than 'i realise what's wrong'. i can't think of any suggestions right now, but maybe you'd want to set the scene, give the rest of the piece a reference point. second lines good, made me think of the link between homeless people and alcohol, or the jacket could be a metaphor for anger yada yada yada. next two lines are great, i wouldn't touch them. and the last line i think suffers from much the same problem as the first, it seems to blunt. too many words telling too little, especially when there's not one adjective.

This attempt of mine is as stupid
As trying to clear the air with just one tree;
One for you, and none for me.

first line is not great. i thin kthe problem is the word 'stupid'; there's no peotical resonance behind it, try something more. next two lines are great, not sure you were going for the air freshener metaphor, but i think it works well, and made me smile.

But for some reason or another,
I just keep on keepin' on.
My face has passed purple and I know,
That with silence
I may just get a chance to break your heart.
And if that chance arises, I'll be sure to seize it
With both hands - where will that leave yours?

i ilike the first two lines, nothing wrong with them, i can see how they'll work well in the context of a song. the main problem in this verse is 'my face has passed purple'. good alliteration aside, it reminded me more of a spoilt chiold holding their breathe, as opposed to the effect i thought you may be going for. and the last couple of lines seem ok, but i can't think of any suggestions, so i'll leave it at that.

I know you know what Im thinking
Cause now you can hear it on the radio -
This is my last stand...

this is good, the radio line especially, and i like the ceasurar and seeming enjambement. i.e. "this is my last stand" is being heard on the radio. this isn;t too obvious though, so i'd put the last line in speech marks, to really show that its from the radio.

Ill stand by the docks for hours
Board the first ship without a letter of
Your whole name.
Hide within the holds and scribble
By the light of phosphorous flame
"Play this on the radio if you
Never see me again"


this is great, my favourite part of the song, no changes here that i can think of.

When I reach my destination,
I'll walk in the first direction that I'm thrown.
Walk away from all my troubles, head to the nearest bar
Without a letter in it's whole name and drink till I
Cant afford it.
Rely on the money that I got when I bet,
That you'd throw up when you see how...
Wrong you were.

this is better, i can see you're starting to get into your stride more in the last two verses. again no suggested changes

And this song is just a ramble
Containing a boy and his emotions,
I hope the other girls that may hear it
Like it a fraction of as much as I like to drink
When Im alone.

now you've lost it again, and i think this is the low point of the song. in all honesty, i don;t think this adds anything, and the piece wouldn't suffer from having it cut

So now I'm winding up, Im out words and
Actions could lead to custody
I hope that you remember me in twenty
Maybe thirty
Years from now, as "the boy that loved his alcohol
More than me"

much better than the last verse, i like the flow in the first couple of lines, and again there's nothing i would really change.

so overall, a good piece that i think is wieghed down by one awkward verse and a couple of niggling problems. there's some really great stuff in here, so if you could expand on that, its got great potential

[TheBigMachine]

Thanks much. I've got bloody soccer training in about ten mintues though, so when I get back I'll get editing.
Thanks again.

[RollerQueen]

Oh, Brand New. As far as recent, young bands go, they're pretty good with music and lyrics.

Hm. I was talking to an ex-Marine last week, and he told me that during training, everyone wore these jackets that retained air when underwater and that the troops had to learn how to breathe through their suits. That's what your first stanza reminds me of. Anyway...

Well, I didn't know what to expect with this, and it wasn't half bad, honestly. Had you not given two scenarios with the "not a letter" part, I'd have been less favouring of its inclusion, but you keep it relevant, and that's good. That you go further than simply saying, "hey, it's over, and I don't want to be reminded of you" speaks of a more developed style than what is typical for this sort of song. Kudos for pinning some of the blame on the speaker, too, as it's all too common to dish out grievance after grievance and leave none for yourself.

To an extent, however, this comes across as too greatly influenced by "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot," from the title to the fact that the speaker wishes to be erased from/erase the life of the other party. Also, some of the sentimentality, like that of the first stanza, is a little... lame?

If you could ground the sentimentality and break away from the obvious influence, it'd only do good. As it is, your influence is barely hidden to anyone familiar with their work, and you bog yourself down with longingfulness. Otherwise, I can't complain much. It's not amazing, but it's fine for what it is, and I'm sure it would make a decent song.

[musicfriend]

Yes, that it is interesting song.
I am not forsure where I have heard that before, but I think it might of been on the internt. Also, do you know where I can get the song; "somebody bigger than I"

Thanks alot, I appreciate it:


________
http://www.10-free-ring-tones.com

[E_man]

the title screams panic! at the disco

[TheBigMachine]

Yes, that it is interesting song.
I am not forsure where I have heard that before, but I think it might of been on the internt. Also, do you know where I can get the song; "somebody bigger than I"

Thanks alot, I appreciate it:


________
http://www.10-free-ring-tones.com

This song is original, written by me.

@E-Man: Your point?