Draped In Crimson (revised)

[i am the robots]

In my mind are images of beauty, unparalelled
Draped in crimson, your silhouette
And on my hands is writ in blood, the word, 'regret,'
A thousand roses for your tomb

Five hundred and four hours would be too much
To be left alone and waiting for so very long
In my dreams I leave you waiting vengefully
A thousand rose petals on a ruptured throat

In my sleep I dream of you, restlessness
Waking to dissappointment, living in a tangled web
Tearing myself apart, leaving you to wonder
A thousand fantasies play in my mind

Ammends, attempts to be made
Spend my nights kneeling in the dark
In silent conselation with my dreams
A thousand prayers speak your name

Ever revisitting the day I tore my heart out
Chest bloodied and red, tears falling
Wet face, bloody hands, echoed screams
A thousand tears shed for you

[usuck]

QUOTE=Eleventeen]Five hundred and four hours would be too much
To be left alone and waiting for so very long
In my dreams I leave you waiting vengefully
A thousand rose petals on a ruptured throat
I really like this part. Doesn't need changing.


In my mind are images of beauty, unparalelled
Draped in crimson, your silhouette
And on my hands is writ in blood, the word, 'regret,'
A thousand roses for your tomb
I like this too except the last seems disconnected from the rest. Maybe try rephrasing it so it fits.

In my sleep I dream of you, restlessness
Waking to dissappointment, living in a tangled web
Tearing myself apart, leaving you to wonder
A thousand fantasies play in my mind
Again the last line seems disconnected.

Ammends, attempts to be made
Spend my nights kneeling in the dark
In silent conselation with my dreams
A thousand prayers speak your name
This is good, though not as good as the rest, but nothing really needs changed.

I still visit the day I tore my heart out
Chest bloodied and red, tears falling
Wet face, bloody hands, echoed screams
A thousand tears shed for you
Good ending. In the first line revisit seems like it would make more sense than visit.

This is a very good song in my opinion. Only really needs a few minor changes. 8/10.
[/QUOTE]

[i am the robots]

Thanks man, I need to elaborate one it, however I've figured it out for the most part, I'll edit it again later.

[Surf]

this has been hanging around for a while andi haven't said anything, but here goes.

Five hundred and four hours would be too much
To be left alone and waiting for so very long
In my dreams I leave you waiting vengefully
A thousand rose petals on a ruptured throat

first line is fine, i think you said that it was three weeks or something. but whatever, its not too desparate for a change. second line however is where the proverbial faeces hit the fan. 'To be left alone and waiting for so very long' you got all uppit when people commented on this last time, but i'm going to have a go anyway. this is boring. first line = pretty original, but the second line could have come from any some any time any where. it may be exactly how you feel, but it could be a metal song (as i think is the case) or a boyzone song, or a line from a jacobean drama. so this needs immeadiate redressing. third lines alright, nothing cataclysmically bad, but nothing jumps of the page (or in this case screen). last line and with back with the pooey fan. the whole rose petal = blood metaphor has been used extensively. off the top of my head, i think shelley used it in frankenstein, as did hundreds of other writers. so, this to would benefit from a makeover.

In my mind are images of beauty, unparalelled
Draped in crimson, your silhouette
And on my hands is writ in blood, the word, 'regret,'
A thousand roses for your tomb

ok, the only compliment i can pay you here is that you spelt silhouette right, not something i can say for unparalleled. the rest, i'm afraid is deathly (sic) boring. its been done, and that's that. try looking at whatever you're loooking at from a new perspective, bring something to the table. be original. the best, and quickest way to do this is to use metaphor, liken your love to something people wouldn;t usually associate with it, so that they can see how your love differs, etc. the best example i can think of off the top of my head would be 'valentine' by carol ann duffy. read it, and appreciate the way she uses the metaphor to explore the love she feels. so try that please.

In my sleep I dream of you, restlessness
Waking to dissappointment, living in a tangled web
Tearing myself apart, leaving you to wonder
A thousand fantasies play in my mind

again boring bland and unoriginal.

Ammends, attempts to be made
Spend my nights kneeling in the dark
In silent conselation with my dreams
A thousand prayers speak your name

the only original thing here is the spelling of conselation. i don't want to lecture you, so i'll leave this verse alone.

I still visit the day I tore my heart out
Chest bloodied and red, tears falling
Wet face, bloody hands, echoed screams
A thousand tears shed for you

..........whatever. i've given up.


the problem here is the second hand feeling to everything. i've read it all and now i'm bored by it. even the title. boring. i don't know what else to say. i'm sure you could salvage something, if you would just make it more interesting. i'll look forward to the promised edit.

[i am the robots]

I'm not gonna be a dick or anything. But you can't just criticize someone as being unoriginal, and that be your only criticism, it's just being lazy.

It seems that entire crit was just basically insulting me, making references to spelling, wow.

A thousand rose petals = a thousand rose petals, nothing to do with blood.

I wish kids who could actually write still posted here, I'm done with this forum.

go write pop-punk and 'emo' songs about break-ups and talk about wearing jackets to swim as if its an amazing metaphore, the whole of this forum has turned itno generic brand new/blink182/busted drivel, and it's sad, really.

[sportsfan4427]

Five hundred and four hours would be too much
To be left alone and waiting for so very long
In my dreams I leave you waiting vengefully
A thousand rose petals on a ruptured throat

this is pretty good one question though if a thousand rose petals=actually 1000 rose petals that last line make very little sense to me

In my mind are images of beauty, unparalelled
Draped in crimson, your silhouette
And on my hands is writ in blood, the word, 'regret,'
A thousand roses for your tomb

very nice the 1000 rose petal thing is sorta cleared up here i'm digging the 3rd line maybe change to On my hands written by your soul is 'regret' written in blood is not very orginal(my lines not to great but you see what i'm saying)

Ammends, attempts to be made
Spend my nights kneeling in the dark
In silent conselation with my dreams
A thousand prayers speak your name

this part had a nice flow

Ever revisitting the day I tore my heart out
Chest bloodied and red, tears falling
Wet face, bloody hands, echoed screams
A thousand tears shed for you

this is decent not very creative just because you used blood and to describe alot of things here

OVERALL IT'S NICE MAYBE GET SOME MORE UNIQUE WORD CHOSES THOUGH

[Surf]

i didn't mean to be a dick either, and i'm sorry if i insulted you, that wasn't my intention, but I'm not sorry for giving an honest opinion. do you want me to lie and tell you its great, its perfect, there's nothing wrong with it? do you want to be mothered, or would you like an genuine perspective on your piece?

and why can't a criticism be that its unoriginal? its a valid arguement; if something is unorginal, then readers/listeners will not be interested. this would damage both their opinion of you as an artist, and make the entire piece seem redundant; rather pointless. the lack of anything new, due to unoriginality, meant that there was nothing else to crit.

cliché. its not exactly a compliment you know?

sorry about the spelling thing, that was a bit below the belt, i'll admit that, especially when mine's not so great.

I'll not bother addressing the musical comments, that's moronic.

and here, three pieces of work that i've read here that i've really liked, by people who can obviously write

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=485356

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=482226

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=483653

well then if you're going you probably won't read this, but its here should you decide to come back. i wish you good luck in your travels, :wave: goodbye.

[i am the robots]

I mean, good people used to post. Tojes was the only one who's song I liked that you posted...
http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=259513
http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=468181