So Far From Heaven

[EmergencyRoom]

Crit for crit as per the usual system. If i owe anyone crits from ages ago then let me know.


So Far From Heaven
by David Neilson

I’m not sure where I am,
Or even how I got here,
But it’s so far from heaven
I can’t even see hell.

There’s a winter’s night blackness
And a tortured voice screams,
With only emptiness as an audience.
I search the skies and the seas
As the trees bend to breaking.
Oaks snap and willows sway
And the sound of that voice still haunts silence.
That voice is me.

Some times I wonder
If there’s anything left to say,
Or if it’s all background noise designed to aid
The passing of each day.
Broken bottle words stick in my throat,
And sometimes I struggle for the strength not to choke
On those poisoned words,
Laced with cyanide syllables.

I scream when I’m not sure
If there’s direction anymore,
In a world where all that might be left
Is just another filled hole in the ground.

[TojesDolan]

Hello. I think you owe me. I suppose.

I’m not sure where I am,
Or even how I got here,
But it’s so far from heaven
I can’t even see hell.

slightly common place, but this could lead to a better tone. A growing tone in the lyrical department, I suppose. Nothing outstanding SO FAR.

There’s a winter’s night blackness
And a tortured voice screams,
With only emptiness as an audience.
I search the skies and the seas
As the trees bend to breaking.
Oaks snap and willows sway
And the sound of that voice still haunts silence.
That voice is me.

Ah, much better. Just the way I remember your lyrics, haha. I see that the vibe up to this point is angsty and somber. The use of some words is tiredsome "torture", "emptiness". The last couple lines are great. Nonetheless, I'd recommend a change in vocabulary, I suppose.

Some times I wonder
If there’s anything left to say,
Or if it’s all background noise designed to aid
The passing of each day.
Broken bottle words stick in my throat,
And sometimes I struggle for the strength not to choke
On those poisoned words,
Laced with cyanide syllables.

Ah, I liked this stanza better. Nothing that I'd pick out really. Still a dark vibe sorround the lyrics, but this seems a bit less familiar than the last stanza.

I scream when I’m not sure
If there’s direction anymore,
In a world where all that might be left
Is just another filled hole in the ground.

Good finishing. I suppose you are a bit rusty in the writing department. That's not bad, though. We all get the rustiness down the bones some times. This piece had it's moments, but the ones that were lacking were those that seemed too common place, and I don't think there's something particularly wrong about the overall writing, just slightly cliché at times. Good to see you around again. :D

[EmergencyRoom]

I think i do owe you one already actually.

Yeah, it's the first thing i've written in a while, plus it was written while i sat here browsing through the pit! I knew as i was writing it that some of it was way overused stuff. Nice to see that you thought some of it wasn't bad.

I'm likely to be around more often again. I need to write about ten songs worth of good lyrics so i need the practice.

Thanks for the crit:thumb:

[sjada]

Pretty good song. The first stanza wasn't very unique, and somehow I didn't think it sounded very well. The second was much better, although some of the wording was a bit generic, but not bad. The last half was really good, especially the third stanza. Nothing i would take out and it keeps the same dark feeling to the end. Nice song.

[Dugan]

>I’m not sure where I am,
>Or even how I got here,
>But it’s so far from heaven
>I can’t even see hell.

Not sure if you purposely did it, but the start seems as if it doesn't go with the rest. It is talking about the correct subject matter, but almost a completely different style of writing. Could be cool though as a lead in.

>There’s a winter’s night blackness
>And a tortured voice screams,
>With only emptiness as an audience.
>I search the skies and the seas
>As the trees bend to breaking.
>Oaks snap and willows sway
>And the sound of that voice still haunts silence.
>That voice is me.

This part is great. I love the oak snap and willows sway part.


>Some times I wonder
>If there’s anything left to say,
>Or if it’s all background noise designed to aid
>The passing of each day.
>Broken bottle words stick in my throat,
>And sometimes I struggle for the strength not to choke
>On those poisoned words,
>Laced with cyanide syllables.

For some reason, I didn't see it going where you did. Not sure if I think thats good or bad yet. I will try to reply later.

>I scream when I’m not sure
>If there’s direction anymore,
>In a world where all that might be left
>Is just another filled hole in the ground.

Seems the last 2 lines could be better.

Not too bad in my opinion. I would not have critted it other than that is the point of this forum. 7/10 could be higher with a small amount of work.

[Mitch2oo6]

I've never seen you around before, as Im new, but like Tojes summed up very well, your piece has it's shining moments. Take the highlights of your piece and study them, figure out where the inspiration came from and how you wrote them. Then try write the whole song like it.

[-:Vincent:-]

I’m not sure where I am,
Or even how I got here,
But it’s so far from heaven
I can’t even see hell.

Each line of this verse is usually overused accept maybe the last one. It is a good way to introduce the song, but not really written well.

There’s a winter’s night blackness
And a tortured voice screams,
With only emptiness as an audience.
I search the skies and the seas
As the trees bend to breaking.
Oaks snap and willows sway
And the sound of that voice still haunts silence.
That voice is me.

Big improvement from the last verse (which seems a bit out of place), I liked this one. It has good flow, the only line i'm not sure about is "I searched the skies and the seas", I don't know why but I don't like it much.

Some times I wonder
If there’s anything left to say,
Or if it’s all background noise designed to aid
The passing of each day.
Broken bottle words stick in my throat,
And sometimes I struggle for the strength not to choke
On those poisoned words,
Laced with cyanide syllables.

First two lines aren't that well, after that it gets better I like the lines "broken bottle words stick in my throat" and especially "laced with cyanide syllables".

I scream when I’m not sure
If there’s direction anymore,
In a world where all that might be left
Is just another filled hole in the ground.

This is an alright way to end it, nothing really special, I would recommend re-arranging some of the wording in the last line.

In all, this isn't bad at all (especially the second stanza). I would look through it and find all the stuff thats worth keeping then maybe consider re-writing. good job 6/10.

[deadXelmo]

This is amazing.
The beginning was quite usual but the ongoing verses were well written and i liked the imagery it gave.

'Laced with cyanide syllables.' - This is my favourite line.

[EmergencyRoom]

The two longer parts are probably the best part, The cyanide syllablles line is something i've been trying to fit somewhere that feels right for about a year now.

Thanks for all the crits, expect like for like in return.