Approach the storm

[Dugan]

I posted the start to this a while ago... I'm close to finishing now.

I have let a couple of people see this, and they all got a different meaning to it. So take it how you do, but give me some pointers to improve if you have a second.

Empty skies and burning lights
Ignites the fire building deep inside
Feel the wind; approach the storm
We are all taught despise when trust is torn

I stand and wait as the rain falls down
The fire filled sky striking to the ground
Feel the wind; approach the storm
We are all taught to lie from the day we’re born

Watch it wash away, alleviate
All the pain I feel today
Inside I can hide the rage
But my sanity has long since strayed

But I can’t wait for the rain, anymore
I need to cleanse my mind and revive my battered soul
Fortunes seen as a destiny is made
Which is all washed away by the wind and the rain

Smoke filled clouds; a burning hell
Coming from my lungs as I exhale
Roads that bend; no steering wheel
Destined from the start to fail

I stand and wait for the rain to fall down
Ears ringing from the thunderous sounds
Feel the wind; approach the storm
We are all taught from birth that we must conform

Will it wash away, alleviate
All the fear I feel today
Inside I can hide the hate
Watch what is left of me deteriorate

But I can’t wait for the rain, anymore
I need to cleanse my mind and revive my soul
A lie is told and a destiny is made
Which is all washed away by the wind and the rain

[Dugan]

No crits? Is it that bad? :)

[slowgunner]

I basically like this. I like theway it (to me) seems to be about the world as it seems today. I like the way it gives hope that things will change.
I think it still needs more work to be more concise. What do I mean by that? In your last verse for example, you can't wait for rain, but you are still talking about being washed away. I like it tho!

[Dugan]

I basically like this. I like theway it (to me) seems to be about the world as it seems today. I like the way it gives hope that things will change.
I think it still needs more work to be more concise. What do I mean by that? In your last verse for example, you can't wait for rain, but you are still talking about being washed away. I like it tho!

It actually was not that way from the start. It molded into what you see now.
I decided to make it not just about the rain being here, but the yerning for that rain. All into 1 long thought... Atleast that was the goal.

Thanks, I appreciate the comments.

[Dugan]

Anyone else have a few mins to crit? I really would like to get some opinions on this one.

[sjada]

I'm not quite sure what to say about this because it reminds me of my own writing. It definitly flows very well and it should sound good as a song and it uses pretty good description and writing. I especially like the fact that the rhyming is very loose. There isn't really much I can say as far as flaws in the song, very good.

[Dugan]

Bump.

Come on guys. I'm proud of this song, but I need you guys to rip me a new one so I can make it better. This site has helped me alot, but its frustrating when noone crits you.