First Song

[Ethan.]

So I wrote my first real song last night and figured I'd let you guys see it and see what you think. I would appreciate constructive criticism.

I haven't named it yet :lol:
...

He can't escape what has become so real
He'll never realize that there is no return
He tried so hard, so hard to warn them
They didn't see; they could not understand

We were told that it would make us better
We were fools for believing it
Now he's just a number and a letter
Living life without a reason

He was born the man of a million years
Considered gifted, privelidged, and wise
But now, he is the man of a million tears
For all hope was lost in a world full of lies

He tried to tell them again what was in store
But it was too late; they didn't trust him anymore
They mocked him for his wisdom and concern
And he kept living to die, for there was no return

We were told that it would make us better
We were fools for believing it
Technology isn't all it's said to be
Soon the world will be run by the machine

He was born the man of a million years
Considered gifted, privelidged, and wise
But now, he is the man of a million tears
For all hope was lost in a world full of lies

As I stand on my front steps and look into the city
I can not help but to wonder what's to become
All of the crime, hate, and poverty
It seems like all the good is becoming undone

...

So what do you think? And please don't copy my song.

[Dugan]

Pretty good overall, if you ask me. Especially for a first song.

My advice would be to help us see what you are seeing. Use symbolism to help us relate. I know your looking at the world, but everyone might not see it like you. So, help them visualize is all that I am saying.

[King of Diamonds]

yea i liked it

[slowgunner]

For a guy with 1500+ posts, a first song seems strange. But I truly like this song. I agree with Dugan about symbolism, but this is great stuff.

[deadXelmo]

I like this. Symbolism would be good but i think that as long as you understand it, then it is good. Overall the writing is brilliant.

[Ethan.]

Thanks a lot guys. I really appreciate the comments. I'm proud of this. :D
What's wierd is this idea stemmed from my original goal of writing a song about how fake Hollywood is.
My advice would be to help us see what you are seeing. Use symbolism to help us relate. I know your looking at the world, but everyone might not see it like you. So, help them visualize is all that I am saying.
Yeah that was the one thing that I thought I was missing when I posted it. I'll work on making it more clear.

For a guy with 1500+ posts, a first song seems strange. But I truly like this song. I agree with Dugan about symbolism, but this is great stuff.
I have been a drummer for a few years, but this is my first serious band.

Something else that is wierd is that everyone who replied has under 50 posts... Just an interesting coincedence.

[EmergencyRoom]

I'll do this soon. Have a go at mine in the mean time.

[Ethan.]

Did you forget about this one ER?