No beautiful goodbye

[JasonP]

No beautiful goodbye

Lying awake
Singing songs about maroon romances
The tear in the corner, blind to the world
Can’t you see the broken part of me
The damage you left behind

Hollow promises
The man on my radio telling tales of destruction
Nothing has changed since you walked out the door
Next time I’ll lock it
If you ever return

Blasphemous mouths
Speaking ill of my saviour, trying to ignore
The voices get louder as my ignorance falls
The face in the mirror
Turns away in disgrace

I feel the silence, it blinds me more than ever
Can’t you see the broken part of me
The damage you left behind
No beautiful goodbye
Just a hole in my sky

---
Was thinking about some stuff that has happened to me recently and came up with this..
It was written really quick...
But hey, enjoy..
Any constructive crits would be appreciated.
(If you'll leave a link I'll try to check some of your stuff, try and crit while I'm at it:p)

[JasonP]

Anyone?

[Dugan]

It left me confused in a few places, and seems to jump through a few subjects. Who is the man on the radio? Is the same person talking ill of your saviour as you are locking out?

There is nothing wrong with it, I just could quite grasp the goodbye part. You start and end with it, but the middle seems to be an internal conflict?

[JasonP]

Ok..
Anyone else?

[JasonP]

Anyone?
78 views and not a single proper crit yet..

[Mitch2oo6]

Dont ya hate it? No doubt Ill get back to you Jas, but right now it's 10 am and I just woke up, so chances are my crit wouldnt be too good anyway. Dot.

[JasonP]

Sorry to be annoying (could't check all weekend)
But I could realy use a crit on this...

[Mitch2oo6]

A mixed bag of lollies. You've got the odd ripper one liner, and then you've got some very cliche lines. The first stanza is trite and boring. Youve obviously made an attempt at using imagery, but it hasnt been pulled off too well. Try using your own ideas for imagery instead of using idea's from other artists. Stanza two is salvagable, the last two lines were a nice touch, cleverly broken up also. The imagery here is a less cliche also, which is good.

In stanza three, though, it seems a little disjointed like you were searching for words. It seems forced. Youve tried to repeat the touch in stanza two, and I thought it was going to work, but the last line killed it. With the second last line, you give a build up for something incredibly witty and clever, but then kill it off with a boring, non-flowing line.

Stanza four, and you've reverted back to the trite ways of stanza one. Revise.


Sorry to be harsh, but I know you can write better than this. It seems to be like a close to heart topic. That doesnt mean you have to rush through your writing though. Chill out and take some time when you write. Itll do you the world of good.

Check out Lima Six D if you like.