Friend

[slowgunner]

short one




Buy me a rainbow in the spring
So that we can watch it glow,
Watch it change colors, and fade like the others,
Just like the melting snow.

[drumass04]

More poetry than lyrics, and I rather like it.

It's very simple, but triggers tremendous images and thoughts. The sign of beautiful writing.

Just a few things I'll mention;

The third verse is stupidly long compared to the others in the piece; I would strongly recommend that you put a line break where you split the verse with a comma. It may not make much difference, but when something's written that way I know that I read it in a different way.

The simplicity is nice, so I'm not going to challenge it.

I'm not too sure about 'buy' in the first verse. I can think of other words that would sound much better and still keep that same effect almost of the rainbow being a gift. Perhaps you could make it feel a little more personal by changing that one word.

I love the idea of the melting snow, it just seems slightly cliched though. But to be honest it didn't bother me, it's nice as it is! What makes the image particularly strong is the in which you previously mentioned the coming of Spring, which suggests the warmer weather coming and the snow starting to melt and dissapear.


Quite how I've written that much about such a short piece is beyond me, but nevermind. Well done, short and sweet as they always say!

Good luck and keep on writing.

Timmy

[slowgunner]

Thankyou Tim!
I'll try it like this:

Give me a rainbow in the Spring
So that we can watch it glow.
Watch it change colors
And fade like the others
Just like the melting snow.

[drumass04]

The line break is good :thumb:

It sounds like I'm pestering you, but I'm sure you can think of something a little more poetic than 'give'. Let your imagination run free. Look in a thesaurus/dictionary for inspiration.

There are words that you often don't connect to other purposes that will leap out at you. Believe me!!

Give it a go, if not give me a shout :p

Timmy

[slowgunner]

I agree, with you. :)


Build me a rainbow in the Spring
So that we can watch it glow.
Watch it change colors
And fade like the others
Just like the melting snow.

[Dugan]

Nothin wrong with that