Untitled - Please crit..

[runar5]

Hi there,

I've been getting into alot of songwriting recently, and I thought I'd post some of my stuff here. This song is about a man, who hasn't accomplished much in life, and regrets taking the path he took, and wishes he took another path.

Any comments, good or bad are welcome.:)

The song goes:

There's days of my life
when I wish I could go back,
to see what could've been,
and to be what should've been.

Reason leads me to believe,
The people I've led to deceive.
To create, to destroy, i condescend,
into nothing worthy of believeing in.

Without a trace, I disappear.
Without a trace, to no avail.

So loud but yet so quiet,
Sub-consciousness takes over me
for what? ONly I come back
and I am neglected.

Here I stand, mind full
of regrets, holistically praying
for independence.

Am I alive? I do not know.
I hope without believing
that what I've done
had rewards.

Without a trace, I disappear.
Without a trace, To no avail.
Without a trace, the other way.

So I wish for retribution,
for recreation.
My rebirth is untold.
Look at me as I unfold
into what I really am.

-------------------------------------

Well that's about it. Any constructive critisism welcome! Also help with a name is appreciated...

Thanks alot,

[sjada]

Good peice in general, very well written and a nice flow. One thing that bothered me was the was rhyming was or wasn't used. Obviously, you don't need to rhyme or stick to a certain rhyme scheme, but some places, like the end of the second stanza, seems like they should just because you already started to. It might seem like something else is following and lead to and awkward pause. This depends a lot on how it is sung and how the music sounds, but thats how it seemed to me. Anyway, not a bad song.

[runar5]

Thanks Sjada, yeah i sort of realise it depends on the way its sung and the music behind it, which I am working on at the moment. Thanks for the comment!

Anyone else?