What turned out to be my first attempt.

[Dirty]

I was reading through the tips & questions thread for song writing, so i started randomly jotting stuff down.

This is what i came up with, it makes no sense, and dosen't really have a point, but meh.


Theres a black house with a white washed door,
there's no one in, not any more
there's a boy playing with a car,
he thinks it will be fine when they get back.

He was wrong , he was always wrong
he tried so hard, yet never got it right.
One day he would, but that day would hurt.
Tommorow.

in a dream full of colours,
this boy was a key,
with the door wide open,
nothing could be left secret?

He was wrong, he was always wrong
he tried so hard, yet never got it right.
One day he would, but that day would hurt.
Tommorow.

Why must it hurt to be right?
All things in life end, but none end happy,
a tree falling in the wind, or a bottle smashing,

I think i'll call it tommorow.



Hit me.

[Daisy_5]

Theres a black house with a white washed door,
there's no one in, not any more
there's a boy playing with a car,
he thinks it will be fine when they get back.

First line, I like it, it sort of has a bleak feel but then white signifies some form of hope.
Second line, it leads on but I don't like it, you start off with a descriptive linethen move into filler.
Last 2 lines, From reading those I'd say it's about some kid being left alone?

He was wrong , he was always wrong
he tried so hard, yet never got it right.
One day he would, but that day would hurt.
Tommorow.

Again this speaks kids + Violent home. Or at least to me it does. It's not special as a verse but it's not bad either. I think it needs some work on the way it's structured maybe. Throw in some imagery/Metaphors maybe. With a song with the subject matter I'm taking from it I'd say it needs a much more subtle influence to it.

in a dream full of colours,
this boy was a key,
with the door wide open,
nothing could be left secret?


Again not bad,pretty basic imagery. I have no idea why you put a question mark there, it disrupts any sort of flow structure you had going on. Again not a bad verse but needs work on the imagery.


Why must it hurt to be right?
All things in life end, but none end happy,
a tree falling in the wind, or a bottle smashing,

This is far too blunt. The last line isn't bad I just think you need to work on the way you put across your imagery.

Overall it's not a bad piece of writing by far but I think you need to work alot on the tools you've used. Imagery,Metaphors,Alliteration and so on will be your friends.
If this is your first attempt at writing anything great job :thumb:

[sjada]

For a first song, its not bad at all, but it could be worked on. Half of the song is filler, but some of the rest is pretty good. Just work on forcing yourself to include more meaningfull parts instead.

[fuzzyhair]

That song kinda had the same feel as "The Hardest Button To Button" by The White Stripes.

I liked it.

[Fish]

yeah, i liked it, its different, its good.

[Violent_Bill]

Theres a black house with a white washed door,
there's no one in, not any more
there's a boy playing with a car,
he thinks it will be fine when they get back.

First line is an interesting opener, not bad, but your second line sounds quite forced in its rhyme and phrasing. Last two lines are pretty average, just not written in a particularly interesting way and although a steady rhyme scheme is certainly not essential it seems almost to have been abandoned here out of sheer laziness. Consider exactly what message you were trying to convey with these lines and think if there is a smoother and more thoughtful way to say them.

He was wrong , he was always wrong
he tried so hard, yet never got it right.
One day he would, but that day would hurt.
Tommorow.

One word: Rephrase. Bluntness can be effective but this just comes of whiny. Your second line is extremely redundant following your first line and "tommorow" just feels like its been tossed in there. Again really consider what you were trying to say here and rephrase it.

in a dream full of colours,
this boy was a key,
with the door wide open,
nothing could be left secret?

Hmm, fragments of a decent metaphor here but it's just not being used effectively and your last line doesn't seem like it's a question.

Why must it hurt to be right?
All things in life end, but none end happy,
a tree falling in the wind, or a bottle smashing,

Best stanza so far undoubtably but still only scratching at the surface of its potential in my opinion.

Okay, sorry if this seemed harsh, it was pretty good for a first piece but I don't like to hold back. You could definatly turn this into something good but it will take a lot of rewriting so you may just want to chuck this on the experience pile, I don't know, it's up to you. Keep writing and improving and don't let negative crits discourage you, just try and learn from them.

3/10

[Dirty]

Thanks guys.

As i said, i wasn't intending to write anything, i just thought i'd give it a go whilst i had nothing to do etc.

Thanks especially to Daisy 5, and Violent Bill. I'm gonna read through your replies a few more times, and then maybe start to re-write parts of it.

Actually scrap that, i think i'll keep it the same for now, and start to work out how to fit it with music - thats the next stage for me, and i suppose this will be good to practise with.

Thanks again guys, i really appreciate the comments.